EVANSTON – Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.”

In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best prom on a boat Washburn’s ever had,” according to yearbook committee chair Kari Aleckstaf. Along with his accomplishments in student government, she gives credit for the win to his career drive and strong resume. “He interned at an investor bank or whatever last summer. I think his dad’s on the board. They have really nice alcohol at their house.”

On campus at Northwestern, Krawson has continued a tradition of public service, despite faltering academically. “His ‘Chill for the Children’ smoke-in benefit event last week raised nearly $200 for charity, and he’s been very successful as our vice-treasurer-at-arms” said fellow Pi Kappa Alpha member Kyle Carter. “He’s definitely going places.” Other brothers expressed their agreement, saying “That dude’s awesome,” and “Have you seen his Beamer? It’s sick!”

Krawson himself declined a full interview with The Flipside. When asked about the situation, his only comment was “Westside, bitches,” with an accompanying hand gesture.

As for the failing mark on the midterm, it appears that Krawson will be appealing for a regrade. “He sent me an email last night expressing his dissatisfaction,” said Teaching Assistant Kelly Wu. “I think he might have been trying to offer sexual favors for a better grade, but there were a lot of misspellings and the whole thing was generally pretty jumbled, so I’m not sure.”

CHICAGO – Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago.

Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of worldwide nuclear disarmament). Residing in the “hearty” south side of Chicago, the University of Chicago has recently furthered its rather “uncommon” application.

Nix nearly fainted among glancing at the envelope. It had the word “Congratulations” written in bold. “My parents made me apply there,” said Nix. “I went on a tour there. I can only describe it as a black hole of emotion. I left campus joyless, pale, and trembling.”

Fortunately for Nix, the enclosed letter informed him of his rejection. “I was so relieved,” added Nix. “The thought of hanging out with UChicago kids for four years wanted to make me enlist in the army.”
Starting this year, only rejected applicants will receive the big congratulation envelopes. Accepted applicants will receive small, discrete letters. “We thought we’d change our notification system this year,” a UChicago admissions officer told The Flipside. “Too many students were disappointed when they opened our congratulation letters to find that they had been accepted. This new system is more appropriate given the overwhelmingly common emotional response.”

It will be some time before he hears back from Stanford, but Nix hasn’t taken his UChicago rejection harshly. “Regardless of where I end up, I know I’ll still be sane four years from now.”

EVANSTON — Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day.

“I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.”

“I’m gay now,” he posted right after.

Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend requests he accepted without checking to make sure he knew them.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he was so excited to talk to me,” says Rupert O’Flaherty, whose profile picture shows more acne than skin.

Overnight, Miller became a fan of “Women in the Workforce,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and “The Herpes Helpline.”

When asked the next morning about the sudden changes, Miller asked “what the fuck are you talking about and how did you get into my room?”

EVANSTON-NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features.

“Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman.

“Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative to install more water fountains in campus buildings. It’s great to see students using the app to work together,” he added.

The updated version also includes more features targeted directly at students, most notably an action that allows for direct chatting with NU President Morty Schapiro.

“I just thought about, like, dumb stuff I wish I could do on my phone, and then, like, designed the software around that,” said McCormick senior Dave Brenning, who also worked on the app’s design.

When asked how the application enables the school president to BBM, a function currently only capable on the BlackBerry, Brenning responded, “Want to do worthless and unfeasible things using valuable Northwestern resources? There’s an app for that.”

The updated application also makes greater use of the interactive map that was created in the first version of the app. Now students can use the GPS system to find their way back to their dorm room from anywhere in Evanston and the greater Chicago area.

“Perfect for one-night stands,” explained freshman Sally Merkelson, who uses the Northwestern app on her purple bejeweled iPhone.

“Knowing that now I’ll somehow make it back to Bobb in the morning takes a little bit of headache out of my already horrible hangover.”

While Bergman is proud of NAGS’ work on the app, he knows there will be more room for improvement. He said he hopes to develop a breathalyzer for the phone, which rates inebriation on a scale of “buzzed,” “schwasted,” and “shitfaced”.

“It’s all about making life more enjoyable for the kids, even if it will cause tuition costs to double in the next two years. I really look forward to getting to work on version 1.667,” he said.

EVANSTON – With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world.

Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available.

“We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be more on the ‘New’ than the ‘Journalism’.”

Non-Medill Northwestern students and faculty are also excited about the shift. The ratio of eight students to every one journalist will disappear, allowing people to walk to class without getting cornered for questions. Medill 2030 is also working on eliminating the presence of guilt-trippers handing out fliers.

Levine hopes Medill students are going to become with productive members of society that can potentially support a family of four, like janitors, mechanics, and benches.

Still, some remain in opposition to the change, maintaining that journalism remains a noble and viable profession. “If you go to Medill, you’re going to make it in the journalism world,” said Noam Kupfer, who became a professor after losing his job at the Tribune.

“Just kidding,” he added.

EVANSTON – WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.”

Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed one too many shots of Smirnoff. “I got 19 phone calls, 31 texts, and 44 emails from this guy,” explained Rivers, “and the one time I picked up my phone this male voice was like ‘Yo brah, so fuckin schwasted right now. Just like anyone who gets shot by this gunman. Peace, bro.’”

Several NU students posted messages they received to the popular site “Texts From Last Night”, where the front page featured the entry, “(847) FUCK MAN still lookin 4 the gunman…goddamn I’m so high.”

At the time of the crisis, the disembodied emergency notification voice was reportedly indulging with the infamously cheerful voice of the Northwestern’s Health Service’s automated answering service. In addition to the Chicago campus shooter, several cases of rampant mononucleosis and pregnancy were also reported. The two debauched voices recruited a venerable dream team (including the voices of Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine, and James Earl Jones) to search for threats to campus safety. All allegations have since been refuted as mere drug-induced hallucinations.

NU Emergency Notifications probably owes its life to the final emergency message it sent to the Northwestern community before its collapse in a disreputable Chicago neighborhood: “Awwwmaan. Fuckkkk.  I thhnjima paaassss ouu–”

Though Emergency Notifications survived, the Northwestern community won’t be hearing from it for a long while… the voice accidentally butt-dialed its mother during the bender and is now grounded indefinitely.

EVANSTON — Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).

EVANSTON – As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a big announcement: Blumenthal had just made the millionth out-of-context Anchorman reference.

“The shock still hasn’t worn off,” explained the startled freshman, “I knew I was making an incredibly obvious and ill-fitting reference, but I didn’t realize it was such a significant obvious and ill-fitting reference.”

The university plans to commemorate the occasion by screening Anchorman at Tech Auditorium this Saturday, allowing the three NU students who haven’t it to leave their rocks and join in on the out-of-context quotation bonanza. Blumenthal is expected to give a keynote address before the film. “It’s an honor to be such an important part of Anchorman-quoting history,” he said, “this is a proud day for douchebags everywhere.”

In other news, junior Keith Remsen quoted a line from the cult film Eraserhead for the third time ever. There was no notable celebration, but his two friends were seen chuckling contently to themselves for getting the reference.

EVANSTON – After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers.

The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of sonar communication was a student texting on a cell phone in the third row.

The plot of the show was so deep that no dolphin in their right mind would ever swim in waters of that depth. It seemed that there was no way to tell the porpoise of any of the action and the story was too difficult to wade in. Not to go overboard on the nautical measurement metaphors, but this show was leagues below what I expected. The main character was always sad; dolphins do not like to see dark drama, instead preferring light comedy such as the wildly imaginative sketch involving a seal with a beach ball on its nose.

Next time I go to a dolphin show, I think I will just stick with Sea World. Shamu and his dolphin friends have never failed to impress.

EVANSTON – Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.