EVANSTON – Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “ and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.

1. He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice”
2. He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up”
3. It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place”
4. “Tip drill” gone bad
5. “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer
6. Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar”
7. Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles”
8. To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones”
9. Got a little too close to her “Tail Feather”
10. Burnt himself testing out “Grillz”

EVANSTON – A controversial new initiative sponsored by the Gender Studies department intends to revive customs long thought by intellectual heavyweights to be part and parcel of outmoded gender concepts. Though it may be difficult to imagine now, there was once a time when women had to fend off the attentions of men on campus, who would approach them, signal their interest, begin a conversation, and finally ask them out to some form of social gathering. The women, it was reported, would say yes or no, depending on if they liked the guy. This endured until seventies-era student cohorts began to realize that was all structured gender oppression and the tyranny of the male gaze.

Yet thanks to a generation of virtual reality, declining public life, increased social isolation, and a general slowing-down of American childhood development, those dark days are long over, leading many to question why Gender Studies wants to reverse all that.

“Um, well, nobody was getting any—on any kind of regular basis,” said Gender Studies archivist Sybelline Peters-Garcia. “And we were contacted because of our award-winning work on gendered interactions, and, well, we, um, had a frank conversation about the last time we saw somebody get hit on.”

“We date the definitive end of these practices back to what I call Late Grunge, roughly 1995,” recalls History Professor Jordan Severinsen.

Since then the prevalence of secondary means of achieving intercourse—namely, getting drunk and falling on top of someone—have virtually replaced the archaic custom of the “hit-on.” Remnants of these ancient practices, however, still plague present-day college students. “You had clueless women thinking they were ‘sending signals’ no guy could hear, and clueless guys wondering what they had to do to ‘get a piece of that pie,’ with both parties locked in absolute silence and terror, glancing at each other over the computers in the library,” Peters-Garcia continued. Interestingly, queer students will not benefit from the initiative, as same-sex interactions seem to have preserved the rudimentary elements of how to cruise.

“Once we realized that we had a backlog of research here, mostly written by angry feminist undergrads in the seventies and eighties, it was a no-brainer,” she said. “We know what hitting on people used to look like. Now, they desperately need to figure out how to get the goods. We are just putting the two together.”

The commentary on these male displays of interest, frozen in countless densely worded papers, will be interpreted with the help of Performance Studies students into skits, interpretive dances, and a series of ultra-realistic, step-by-step examples. Workshops have already begun.

“I—like—you,” says one male participant, who wished to remain anonymous, during a recent roleplay.

“Good,” enthused doctoral student Antoine Sellers, “ Now tell her something nice about her.”

After an agonizing ten second delay, the participant continued, “You—are—funny.”

“We might…get along?” said his female counterpart, who also wished to remain anonymous, unless he wanted her name, which he should have asked for, unless he didn’t want it—did he?—as both looked away, and then at their group leader for confirmation.

“The teaching goes both ways,” said workshop coordinators Lisa Gerards, “You have no idea how many of these girls have no clue when they are being hit on. By the same token, we need to teach these valuable ‘hitting-on’ skills to women as well, as it becomes apparent that the species could die out waiting on these dweeby studs to get a move on.”

Though higher level activities, such as sharing dinner, dancing more or less facing each other, and mutual offers of backrubs, are scheduled in the series, the program is still in its tentative stages. “We don’t want to scare them away,” said Sellers. “No one should have to think that full engagement with another human being is the ultimate goal. None of us is ready for that world.”

New NU President Morton Shapiro at first pledged financial support and commended the initiative, thinking it was intended to curb gender-related violence or increase equity in leadership support for women students. Finally cognizant of the actual nature of the workshops far too late, Schapiro was reticent: “Are you serious? They don’t know how to what?”

Defending the use of funds, Gerards had this to say: “Think of the children. Or, rather, not any. Ever.”

Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?”

“The Prisoner’s Dilemma is a fundamental and central example in the field of game theory,” explained Joan Docter, Eisner’s professor, “and it is impossible to proceed without first reviewing this basic concept.” Eisner’s reply was simple: “I really don’t care. I swear to god, if I hear about each individual’s likelihood to defect one more time, I will flip. There won’t be any hope for a cooperative equilibrium after that.”

“I would ignore it,” the junior explained, “but I know there will be that one question on the test about tit for tat, and that shit always gets me. I don’t have a choice besides showing up and listening to the definition of ‘iteration’ again.”

Eisner believes that the constant repetition of the Prisoner’s Dilemma prevents students from learning more important concepts. “We could be learning about so many more interesting things if not for this damn concept. For instance, every time I think about the Prisoner’s Dilemma, I get a headache. I guess there’s a causal link between the two. Now there’s something that would be interesting to learn about.”

EVANSTON – Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs.

Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public safety. No, this is much more about knowing one’s place. There’s a hierarchy in place here. If chess-clubbers like Moscowitz thinks he’s cool, what next? Aspirations? Dreams? Hope? When you’ve been on the beat long enough, you come to realize what all of those point towards: false confidence, and of course, guns. Always guns”.

At this point, Officer Lucerin clubbed Moscowitz in the back of the head, possibly to make a point. Luckily, no one of actual importance was injured as the officers apprehended the technically-slower-than-walking vehicle during passing time.

EVANSTON – Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it.

The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has sparked a lot of controversy, confusion and passion. The people who claim to have “seen it,” are always unable to lead anybody else back to it on demand. They just get lost somewhere around Tech. Some people claim that they have actually eaten there multiple times, but there is no evidence to support these statements. One student reported that her friend set out to find it, and he never came back: “I kept telling him not to go and look for it, but he wouldn’t listen. And now he’s gone [sobs].” Another student said that it exists, but conditions just have to be right: “It’s gotta be a little rainy, and ya just gotta be feelin’ it, ya know what I mean? It’s out there, all right.” Other people argue that it’s just an urban legend. One graduate student is skeptical: “People just get carried away with stories and myths and such. If there were an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus, there would be signs around to help us find it. Duh!”

Luckily, it looks as if this cloud has a silver lining. Dr. Richard McManus, 53, a prominent archaeologist and expert on elusive modern architecture, has finished gathering some of the finest archaeologists from around the globe and prepared millions of dollars worth of equipment to embark on what he calls his “most ambitious quest yet.” McManus, the winner of the Keeler’s International Archaeological Achievement Award in 2003 and a Nobel Prize in 1998, describes his team: “They are without a doubt the most talented and wise archaeologists the world has to offer. I’m sure that they will be able to piece together all of the clues to help me find my prize. It’s sure to be one hell of a ride. I mean, Atlantis was one thing, but this is like… totally different.”

McManus and his team will set out from Tech on Wednesday, sources say. Yet many are concerned that he is making a foolish decision. Joseph Roberts, a friend of McManus, says “Richard is just so stubborn. No matter what his family and I say, he just insists on attempting the impossible.”

EVANSTON- Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.

EVANSTON – In a startling discovery garnering the attention of local news media, NU Anthropology major and incipient researcher Allison Dumke, through her immersion in local culture, has uncovered the existence of a social life.

“I will not commit the error of overgeneralizing—often called the ‘ethnographic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on the structural or political economic exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke said, “but it appears they deploy this ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a hegemonically constructed, definitely not a priori or ‘given’ sense—fun.” Over the course of a year of fieldwork, she was obliged to attend gatherings where these subjects engaged in an array of rituals involving conversation, drinking, musical performances, long walks, or simply sitting in place together. The reason for these ceremonial practices eludes contemporary anthropologists.

In a brave attempt to resist romanticizing the indigenous, or overly identifying with them in an effort to ‘go native,’ Dumke has declined all offers from her informants to help her in developing her own social life. “It works…within…their culture,” the erstwhile researcher articulated, “But there are experiential limits to cultural relativism. I cannot simply ‘hang out’ for no reason.”

What similarity these humans-with-a-social-life might have to fully civilized, modern, present day human anthropology students at Northwestern remains unanswered as of press time.

EVANSTON – A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas.

“We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able to interact with that many communities was definitely worth the strain,” says McCormick sophomore Charlie Jenkins.

Some of the communities that participating students serviced were the Cherokee Nation in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, the Philadelphia Veterans Multi-Service & Education Center, and a Colorado wolf sanctuary. But for Weinberg freshman Steve Johnson, the most meaningful experience was at the Wichita Children’s Home.
“It was really the children who needed my service more than anyone. Some of these children had never been serviced before, whereas most adults we met on the trip had been receiving service on a regular basis for years,” he said.

In addition to stimulating the residents, students also stimulated the local economies through their spending at fast food establishments and local pharmacies.

“I feel like we really made a difference in the lives of the needy, without having to do all that boring stuff like building affordable housing. ASB instilled in me a lifelong commitment to servicing communities across the United States,” says Medill senior Brian Hunt.

The new trip broke ASB records for enrollment, with 69 students participating in the expedition. NU President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on this momentous achievement.

EVANSTON — Northwestern University has a long tradition of great journalism. The Daily Northwestern and North by Northwestern are models of professionalism and journalistic excellence. Yet there is one publication that is an embarrassment to the Northwestern community, journalism, paper, its staff, and their mothers: The Northwestern Flipside.

To be blunt, The Flipside is a joke. The writing is a shameless mockery of the journalistic style that we as Northwestern students have come to expect. It’s like a bunch of people just sit around and come up with bullshit ideas and then turn them loose on the university disguised as relevant news. Never once has The Flipside provided an accurate and unbiased account of the news, nor has its editorial staff provided meaningful and well-reasoned opinions on today’s pressing issues.

Claims that NU tour guides are unreliable and that those who try to go home are re-educated in the sub-basements of Tech are so clearly fictional that they would be amusing if they weren’t so embarrassing. Not once has The Flipside interviewed a real person, unless there is someone named Area Man who carries a grudge against good journalism. Entire issues of The Flipside are so frivolous as to make Anderson Cooper weep. Medill F, Northwestern Flipside. Medill F.

This article is not satirical, it’s factual. April Fool’s!