EVANSTON – Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson disappointed his high school graduating class on Monday when he received a failing grade on his macro-economics midterm exam, earning only 23 points out of a possible 50. Only 6 months prior, the 382 seniors of Krawson’s Washburn High School in San Diego, California had voted him the male student “most likely to succeed.”
In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best prom on a boat Washburn’s ever had,” according to yearbook committee chair Kari Aleckstaf. Along with his accomplishments in student government, she gives credit for the win to his career drive and strong resume. “He interned at an investor bank or whatever last summer. I think his dad’s on the board. They have really nice alcohol at their house.”
On campus at Northwestern, Krawson has continued a tradition of public service, despite faltering academically. “His ‘Chill for the Children’ smoke-in benefit event last week raised nearly $200 for charity, and he’s been very successful as our vice-treasurer-at-arms” said fellow Pi Kappa Alpha member Kyle Carter. “He’s definitely going places.” Other brothers expressed their agreement, saying “That dude’s awesome,” and “Have you seen his Beamer? It’s sick!”
Krawson himself declined a full interview with The Flipside. When asked about the situation, his only comment was “Westside, bitches,” with an accompanying hand gesture.
As for the failing mark on the midterm, it appears that Krawson will be appealing for a regrade. “He sent me an email last night expressing his dissatisfaction,” said Teaching Assistant Kelly Wu. “I think he might have been trying to offer sexual favors for a better grade, but there were a lot of misspellings and the whole thing was generally pretty jumbled, so I’m not sure.”

CHICAGO – Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago.
EVANSTON — Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day.
NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features.

EVANSTON — Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.
EVANSTON – As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a big announcement: Blumenthal had just made the millionth out-of-context Anchorman reference.
EVANSTON – After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers.
EVANSTON – Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.