EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short.

Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment process. Some of the more prominent stats include the number of eating disorders induced, a calculated “bitchiness index,” cup size, skirt length, and tear count per hysterical outburst.

“Its just a really fun, intense game,” says FSL champion Jake DiMartin. “There’s nothing more addictive in the world. When I’m watching the girls line up outside Willard, every time I see a Freshman I drafted need to excuse herself to puke in some bushes, I think ‘Nice! 5 points!’”

Members of the Sorority system have very different opinions of the game than the players. As President of Kappa Gamma Alpha, Brenda Delome, put it, “Yea, statistics are nice, but it’s just not what the game’s about.”

When asked to comment on her franchise record of 547 judgmental stares last season, Delome commented “At the end of the day, these records and statistics are just numbers, and it can really hurt the team when they’re all you think about. All I really want to do is psychologically scar some people, and isn’t that what rushing’s all about?”

EVANSTON – Northwestern University sent out an emergency alert on Monday after a man was seen gratifying himself in the showers in the men’s locker room at Henry Crown Sports Pavilion & Aquatic Center.

Two juveniles reported that they heard the self-satisfied moans of the rogue gratifier as he told himself what a “sick workout” he had just completed. “It was really freaky,” explained one of the bystanders, “he just stood there, naked, in the shower, congratulating himself on his new personal squat record.” The witnesses reportedly asked the man to stop patting himself on the back, but that only egged on him on. “Let’s see you kids lift that much weight,” he purportedly exclaimed, “I deserve a nice long sauna session after that one!”

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more. He wouldn’t stop gushing about the 7 minute mile he had just run or the size of the steak he was going to eat.” The witness then described the climax of the self-gratification: “All of a sudden, his body went very stiff, and he then flexed his biceps brashly. “I remember he shouted out a loud ‘YEAH!’ followed by an exuberant, ‘Check out how SWOLE I am!’”

The university report stated that the witnesses could not provide a detailed description of the man. “They described him as muscled, half-naked, and arrogant,” a university representative explained, “which narrows it down to the entirety of North Campus.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes.

This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes – which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined by Wikipedia as being “a concept that spreads swiftly via the Internet.”

“I can’t tell you how many students have come up to me and asked, ‘Assistant Dean Linsenmeier, why you no have Internet Memeology major?’” Linsenmeier said to reporters. “Well, I’m here to say that, Northwestern students, you can has a degree in Meme Studies.”

Yale University’s philosophy department offers a course titled “Philosoraptor and Society,” and the University of Chicago recently drew headlines when they paid rapper Xzibit “upwards of $50,000” to come to campus and lecture about recursion. However, this step by Northwestern is being lauded as a groundbreaking move in a still-developing academic field, which aims to study “the ways that Internet memes reflect and influence society as a whole.”

“We live in a meme-based world, there’s no denying that,” said Northwestern sociology professor Grant Richards. “While it might not be considered standard academic material, I believe that this in a important move for Northwestern. It shows we’re embracing the changing culture and not remaining stagnant.”

Linsenmeier revealed several of the courses offered by the new Department of Internet Memeology, which included “Introduction to Redditology,” “History of the Internet: IRC, /b/, and Beyond,” and a 300-level course in “The Sociology of Rage Comics.”

The newly created program will partner up with Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism in offering a series of courses about the current social media market.

“At Northwestern, our goal is to offer an education that gives our students a chance to impact the world in a very real way. The Department of Internet Memeology and Medill will be giving our students the tools to do just this,” Linsenmeier said. “Students majoring in Internet Memeology won’t just be ‘derping’ around.”

Reaction among the students has been overwhelmingly positive.

“I was like, me gusta,” said junior Alex Goodwin, who is enrolled in the Weinberg College of Arts and Science. “My parents have been paying $60,000 a year for me to browse the Internet, so it’s only fair to them that I at least get something out of it.”

Goodwin added, “Good Guy Northwestern: notices you’re browsing Reddit during lectures, gives you a degree for it.”

EVANSTON – Jack Weller, a Community Service Officer working the Wednesday-evening night shift in the Foster-Walker lobby, was honored by the Evanston Police Department Tuesday for unprecedented heroics. Weller is now the first CSO in over a decade to actually thwart an ongoing crime, a task that the celebrated hero attributed to “I have no idea how that actually worked.”

According to reports filed with the EPD, John Weller was unobtrusively reading at the front desk when he heard shouts from just beyond the doorway. Eyewitness accounts indicate that Weller lifted a single eyebrow in the direction of the disturbance, and then returned to his novel. When the shouts reemerged after another minute, Weller slowly raised himself from his chair, groaning as he went to investigate and maybe have a cigarette.

Outside, Weller discovered Mark Carver, an Evanston Township High School student, allegedly attempting to steal the purse of a Northwestern undergraduate who wished to remain anonymous. Moving quickly, Weller foiled the attack by placing his hand on Carver’s shoulder and giving him a stern look until EPD forces arrived via Segway to take the offender away very slowly.

“I was so scared at first!” the victim later gushed to The Flipside. “That man is a true hero! I really don’t know what I would have done if Jim Weller hadn’t come along!”

The Plex lobby remains filled with tributes to the grandfather-of-three, with residents promising to make a better effort to get to know the man who keeps them sort of safe at night.

“James Weller is such an awesome guy,” Plex resident Alexandra Meyer commented. “Whenever he signs my boyfriend in for the night, his fatherly glow really reassures me that this completely voluntary honor system is keeping me safe!”

EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide.

The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”.

The film began with footage from a historical investigation that spanned multiple states on the East Coast. It wasn’t until Dr. Unk started digging in Connecticut that he found evidence that the civilization of bros was more than a myth. Tens of hundreds of feet underground, Dr. Unk’s team found what is believed to be a lacrosse stick. His studies indicate that the totem was essential to everyday life, and may have even been worshipped at an altar.

With more digging, more evidence revealed itself. Over 3 thousand pairs of Sperry topsiders were found in a single digging site. Along with that, many empty and crushed cans of what is believed to be “Natural Light” beer was found. This is said to be the drink of choice amongst bros, and was probably chugged while praying to their ever-important lacrosse sticks.

A few manuscripts were found containing the vernacular used by bros, though they have yet to be completely translated by experts across the world. One phrase that has been deciphered is “slaying bitches,” which most likely meant indulging in the act of sexual intercourse with their fellow bros; evidence suggests that the society was entirely homosexual. The word “chill” has been the most difficult word to find the meaning of due to its constant repetition in every sentence deciphered thus far.

Although there is some evidence that bros lived amongst us many moons ago, many people are still skeptical that they ever existed. One man who watched the documentary, Ted Was, said, “There’s no way they ever existed. No one would have liked them. They would have been wiped out immediately.” Local fashionista Rudy Nills agrees, saying “No way they would have made it around looking like they did. They wore backwards hats all the time, and only wore button-up shirts, or two polos with both collars popped. Do they even make polos anymore?”

Whether they ever existed or not, bros have become the laughing stock of the 22^nd century, as they may have been over 100 years ago. In other news, Dr. Unk has claimed to have found remains he suspects belong to former Congressman Waka Flocka Flame.

EVANSTON – In an effort to keep up with McDonald’s Super-Duper combo size, Burger King recently introduced the Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large size.

This new gigantic portion of food features a 3-pound bag of fries and a 136-ounce bucket of your favorite soft drink to complement your burger.

Burger King CEO Mike Borowitz is pleased with the new size’s large success since its unveiling in Evanston last Friday, adding that the board of trustees knew the town would be the perfect neighborhood for the long-awaited introduction.

In light of the recent return to prohibition in Evanston, Northwestern students have begun to switch their party drug of choice from alcohol to marijuana, prompting even higher sales at the local Burger King.

Weinberg sophomore Eric Jameson who is ecstatic about Burger King’s new ploy, said,   “More Burger King? Whoa.”

Due to the sudden rise in demand for cheap and bountiful food, Burger King’s sales have almost tripled over the past month and continue to rise.

Sales are steadily rising at BK’s Mars location as well, probably due to the fact that there is still nothing to do there besides eat and go lava-rafting.

EVANSTON — Todd Parr of Plex-East is to have his best weekend at Northwestern so far when his parents Walter and Cathy visit on Saturday.

“We’re going to eat at a nice Italian restaurant, see a live show of “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” and visit the Field Museum. It’s going to be dope,” Parr said.

Parr, who’s hoping to double major in Physics and Classics, has yet to adjust to Northwestern life. His crippling fear of the opposite sex and startling affinity for World of Warcraft have prevented him from going to any event that might be construed as social.

“I stood in the corner at munchies once,” Parr added, “for about three and a half minutes. That was cool.”

Parr mentions that he’s excited for the weekend because he and his parents get along famously and like all the same things. He notes a mutual love of sweaters, Reader’s Digest, and fiber.
“It’s crazy how well we connect. They manage to completely understand my life. They, like, totally get me,” Parr mentioned.

Parr is excited to show Walter and Cathy what he calls “his Chicago,” which includes (from his frantic Googling yesterday) two nationwide pizza chains, the Willis tower, and that “reflective vegetable thing.”

The Parr parents, Walter and Cathy, have been in Florida since their only son Todd left for college. Their opinions on the weekend differed from Todd’s slightly.

“He’s a sweet kid, but we really wish we could skip this whole ‘Parents’ Weekend’ thing. We had two barbecues planned that we had to miss,” Cathy said.

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below:

2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush”

2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and earthquakes within my pants. It’s about to get stormy in there, ladies.

2013: Win a bowl game. That’s right. His Highness Morton O. Schapiro is going to play all 22 positions and personally kick the shit out of whatever weak-ass state school dares get in my way. And unlike that pussy Dan Persa, you’ll need to take out both of my Achilles tendons to stop me.

2014: It’s too cold in Evanston. I will fix this by stopping the earth’s orbit during the summer season. It is going to be fucking Florida up in here. IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT DA 847.

2015: I will have the economy fixed by this year. That should be enough to get me elected king. And if not, who cares? I’ll be richer than rich. Bitches bout to be occupyin’ ME.

2016: Clone myself. And that clone is a transformer. And that transformer is the New Student Center.

2017: I will have the purple sweater vest become a mandatory part of the NU uniform. Yeah, we’re going to keep it classy. Whole campus ‘bout to be lookin’ like a casual dinner party.

2018: NU will become the #1 academic school in the nation. This will be because every student at every school above us will be murdered, in cold blood, by the Mo-Dawg himself.

2019: Northwestern University in Qatar? No. Northwestern University ON THE MOON. Yeah, you heard me. I’ll breathe enough for all of you weaklings. Plus, the low gravity would mean our basketball team would actually be able to dunk.

2020: Invent Time Machine. Repeat.

EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news.

Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for those of us excited about marriage and true love.”

Other sorority sisters were seen making signs declaring, “DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE KIMMY” and “YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS IN SEASON 3, EPISODE 7” to inspire Kardashian to work things out with Humphries.

“I have watched all 47 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and I know that Kim would never marry someone just for money or publicity,” junior Marissa Jenkins of Tri-Sigma remarked. “Anyone who says otherwise is obviously not a real Kim fan.”

Chi Omega Delta senior Jenna Cahill stated in closing: “We would like to extend an invitation for all NU girls to join us for a Twilight movie marathon before the release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 on November 18^th. We think this is an irreplaceable opportunity to bond with other girls over a great example of what it means to really find true love.”