EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked at the extent to which EDU has violated all boundaries of unforgivable behavior.

No specific details have come to the public eye, but the University issued a statement in a press release this afternoon. “Too many students have been coerced into situations that they would under no other circumstance be willing to endure,” Dean of Students Burgwell Howard declared. “That a Northwestern student would want to impose such disgraces upon another Northwestern student is astounding, and certainly grounds for suspension of charter.”

A former pledge, who preferred to go unnamed for fear of retaliation, provided a picture of the terrifying abuses. “I’d be talking with a friend,” said the pledge, “and a brother of the frat would walk up to me and be like, ‘Do your homework, all of it, right now, or you’re a pussy!’ What was I supposed to do, say no?”

An older member of the fraternity corroborated the prevalence of this behavior, saying, “They’ve been making kids go to class against their will for years. It’s something that everyone expects when they get to college, but the reality can be hard for some freshman to take. I guess they trained us to accept the mentality that sometimes you have to do things that you hate doing to get to the things you like.”

Said a non-Greek student, “This is exactly why I was turned off by the whole Greek scene. Anyone who would force me to uphold my responsibilities, be accountable for my actions, make the most of the incredible opportunity of having Northwestern-quality professors at my disposal, and grow to become a better person is no friend of mine.”

The hazing was discovered last Thursday when an anonymous tip brought police to an introductory economics class in which an astounding 1/3 of students had actually attended. Officer Kiljoy commented on the brazen exploitation of pledges, saying; “I could see through the door of the classroom that something was off. There were at least 30, maybe 40 students in the 350-person class. They were keeping up normal appearances, fiddling on their smartphones and ignoring the teacher, but still, 40 kids? Ridiculous.”

Inquiries are currently being made to determine whether other fraternities have also contributed to falsely inflating the rate of attendance.

SEARLE- In preparation for Northwestern Dance Marathon, scheduled to take place the weekend of March 9th, Sexual Health and Peer Educators (SHAPE) is putting together a campus wide crabwalk race to raise money for this year’s beneficiary, B+.

“The race will start at Tech and all the crabs will scurry toward Searle Health Services,” President of SHAPE, Eliza Crochitch said. “We are really excited and we are hoping every pair participating in DM will send at least one crab to the community.”

Senior Sham Poodmagroin says this is not the first time the idea has been tried. “They tried to bring crabs to campus before, but it really wasn’t a good experience. Both my girlfriend and I participated in something similar last year, but we both got injured. Also, weirdly, she got pubic lice.”

The race is set for March 1, the day before the annual Hershey’s Syrup Hershey-Squirts squirt-off.

EVANSTON – Northwestern University seniors were surprised to learn that the 2012 Commencement Address would be delivered by a farmer named Paul from central Illinois.

“I mean, I guess I understand how farming might be important in light of the food crisis in, like, Africa and whatever,” Weinberg senior Jonah Goldblum told Flipside, “but I was expecting someone a little more… academic.”

Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro reacted to the lukewarm response to the farmer, saying, “This Spring, thousands of graduates will listen to speakers who tell them that they can do anything now that they have a college degree, but here at Northwestern, we decided to take a more realistic approach. We thought, hey, a lot of these kids are going to be unemployed and living in their moms’ basements until they take a job that will have nothing to do with their Philosophy major, so why don’t we just bring in a real average guy and knock down their expectations a few notches.”

Possible speech topics Farmer Paul has discussed with NU administrators include “More Corn, Less Calculus: The Backbone of America,” “At Least I’m Employed,” and “Really, the Midwest Isn’t That Bad.”

As many schools began to release convocation information online this past week, students at other institutions were quick to take a few jabs at Farmer Paul’s unglamorous vocation. “Ugh, how plebeian,” Harvard student Liam VanBuerman III wrote in his blog Musings in Cambridge: the Quandaries of the Intellectually and Socially Superior, “though I suppose students at a Big Ten school couldn’t be expected to appreciate the same kind of entertainment as students at such an elite institution as this.”

Harvard recently announced its commencement day speaker will be author and social pundit Fareed Zakaria, who will deliver a speech entitled, “Your Life After Harvard: Complaining about Society and Being Better than Other People.”

After hearing President Schapiro’s explanation, Goldblum sighed and consented, “I mean, I guess it might be nice to hear something more realistic than your standard ‘go forth and change the world’ commencement address. I’ve been struggling to find real world applications for my Existentialism degree, and who knows, maybe the dairy industry is the place for me.”

Mr. VanBuerman could not be reached when contacted for further comment. His girlfriend Mimi Birnbauch informed Flipside reporters earlier this morning that he had collapsed under the weight of his own ego.

5:52 PM – Weekend time! Got my midterms behind me and an awesome weekend with absolutely zero responsibility ahead of me! Time to celebrate! Whooooooo!

6:23 PM – Celebrating with Hot Cookie Bar at Allison! God damn that tastes good! This is what college is all about, right here! Who needs the Greek system anyways?

7:13 PM – Just getting a little History homework out of the way, then it’s party time!

7:56 PM – Here we go! Swiped a miniature of Jack from my parents over break, and I’ve been saving it for a special occasion! 50 mL of liquid fun, baby!

7:58 PM – Okay, I spit up the first sip, but now everything’s fine. I poured the rest of the miniature into a bottle of Coke; I should be drunk soon, right?

8:05 PM – Holy shit! Netflix has Spaced now?!? This night keeps getting better and better!

8:06 PM – You know what would make a Spaced marathon even better? Easy Mac.

8:42 PM – Oh, god, I forgot about the cookies. My stomach.

8:51 PM – I really don’t want to stop watching; would my roommate judge me for taking my laptop into the bathroom?

8:53 PM – My roommate’s AEPi. Hello from the bathroom!

9:21 PM – Haha, I love this show!

10:32 PM – Did I remember to wash my hands…?

1:14 AM – It’s kind of quiet in here.

1:15 AM – I’m lonely.

1:31 AM – Curing seasonal depression with Minecraft. I’ve almost finished my scale-replica of Mordor!

1:35 AM – Forgot how fucking boring this game is. I’m going to bed.

EVANSTON – The Northwestern community’s worst fears came to fruition last week when The Keg of Evanston’s liquor license was revoked. Although the decision by Mayor Tisdahl hardly seems unexpected, the decision has far-reaching effects that have surprised the community.

“My friend Dave and me used to trade Pokémon cards there after school,” local fifth grader Danny Popps told Flipside reporters. “I would usually order a beer, but Dave always had a martini; he’s real fancy and stuff.”

The Keg was almost a haven for fake IDs, as it was notoriously known as being full of underage drinkers.

“I once convinced the bouncer I was the [Keg’s] owner,” Kelly Scotts, a Weinberg Sophomore, recounted. “He let me right in. It was easier to get into The Keg than it is to get into community college.”

Danny Popps rarely had any trouble getting in despite being just ten years old. “Ever since we drew self-portraits in art class last year, it’s been super easy to get drinks. I used crayons to make my own fake ID. Works great. Sometimes my friend Dave has trouble, but that stopped once he started using a fake mustache.”

The Evanston and Northwestern communities currently face a great quandary: what in the world could possibly replace Keg Monday? Hillel Monday? Probably not. Burger King Monday? That would get old quick. Parkour Monday? That would be fun, but it would be more fun drunk. Protest in front of Mayor Tisdahl’s house Monday? That sounds about right.

“I don’t know where us underage people are going to drink now,” added Danny. “Guess we’ll just have to wait until Dillo Day.”

On January 30^th, 2012, The Keg of Evanston closed following the revocation of its liquor license due to multiple violations of underage drinking. Northwestern University students came together in mourning the end of those crazy, drunken nights at the Keg.

Students were bound to be upset about the ruling, but no one anticipated the mass exodus from the university. Nearly one third of the student body has applied to transfer elsewhere rather than remain in a Keg-less Evanston. The top 3 schools students are applying to are Arizona State University, University of Chicago, and the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

“I came here for the academics, but I wanted to party, too,” Weinberg junior Jason Palmer said. “With the Keg gone, I’d rather go to a decent school where I can get wasted and get an OK degree.”

Surveys show that 98% of Northwestern students went to the Keg regularly, while over 80% of students chose Northwestern for the Keg after visiting the establishment as prospective students.

McCormick freshman, Michael Cho, stated, “With the Keg gone, UChicago is way better than Northwestern. I’m trying to get out of here quick!”

It’s a sad day when Northwestern students can say UChicago is more fun than NU. It’s no surprise a third of the study population is transferring. In other news, this will be my last article for the Northwestern Flipside. I’ll be transferring to the University of Alabama in a few days. Roll Tide Roll.

Rest in peace, Keg of Evanston, rest in peace.

EVANSTON — In the spirit of celebrating diversity at Northwestern, the dining halls prepared a themed dinner in honor of Chinese New Year. There was a large variety of Chinese food to choose from, including Beef Lo Mein, Chicken Lo Mein, Shrimp Lo Mein and Pork Lo Mein.

The décor of the cafeteria also stayed true to the Chinese culture with fake firecrackers hanging from the ceilings and lots of gold trim. However, these efforts went unnoticed by the university’s Chinese populace.

Long lines of Asians were seen at the pizza counter while the themed counters could only manage to attract the occasional curious white student. When asked why he did not try the cultural foods, Bok Lee, an international student from China said, “Oh! That was Chinese food?”

Another student who tasted the egg custard tart for dessert said he really loved the quiche, but couldn’t understand why it was in the dessert section.

The Asians that did acknowledge the effort praised the music and foods for their originality.

“I’ve always heard of Kung Pao Chicken, but I’ve never had it before,” said Ching Hua. Ug Nah, an exchange student from Indonesia, however, thought the chicken and nuts combination reminded him of home.

The soundtrack of traditional Chinese instruments playing in the halls struck the Chinese students with curiosity.

“The music is very interesting. My great-great-great-great grandma told me about songs like these, but I never heard them in person,” said Mimi Li. “I must ask them which antique store they found the record in.”

Fortune cookies were also distributed at the stir-fry counter. All of them contained the message “That was dog meat.”

EVANSTON – The slew of Facebook posts, video homages, and other means of gratuitous whimpers regarding the recent revoking of the liquor license of beloved local bar ‘The Keg of Evanston’ has slowly wound down, much to to the dismay of patrons of the bar. Collectively, the complaints about Mayor Tisdahl’s decision to revoke The Keg’s liquor license, which have lasted nearly 3 months, have become an event in and of themselves that has overshadowed the actual closing of the bar. An anonymous Northwestern student remarked on this phenomenon, “Yeah, the Keg was a good time, but I never got the opportunity to just bitch my heart out before the Keg closed. I’m going to miss being able to whine constantly without being judged.”

Other students share similar sentiments. A petition has been drafted, addressed to the City of Evanston, in an attempt to impede — but not stop — the inevitable closure of TKOE. The petition contains a clause that stipulates, ‘If this petition is to succeed in fully restoring TKOE to its former status, the support for this petition will be rescinded, effectively negating any positive effect on the bar.’ Says the lead writer of the petition, “We just want to buy The Keg some time so we can continue to complain about its unfair demise.’ It seems that the student body has joined unanimously in protesting the end of protesting the end of the Keg.

No one has been more vocal about the Mayor’s decision than Northwestern freshman Tanya Baker. She claims she was the 2,500th person to update her Facebok status with a diatribe against the Mayor, which was, in her eyes, a “courageous and effective form of protest”, despite her admission that she has never actually visited The Keg.  She noted that, lately, her Facebook rants “don’t get likes anymore”. Seemingly furious at the implication that complaining about The Keg’s downfall has gone out of style, Tanya has redirected her rants towards fellow students; “R.I.P. supporters of TKOE” was her most recent status.

Tanya’s friend Sarah, on her attempt to coax Tanya into moving on, said, “Tanya won’t stop because she’s anxious that her friends from home won’t believe that she actually went out to bars during college if she stops complaining about the death of the 9th-best college bar in the U.S.”

A 60-year-old man who frequented the bar, who requested his name go unmentioned, is also worried, but for entirely different reasons. “I’m that guy who used to sit in the corner and glare over the top of my mug o’ beer at them college students dancin’ all around,” admitted the regular. He has become aware of the decreasing amount of angst, and it makes him think that those college students don’t “feel the same way about [him] as [he] does about them.”

Mayor Tisdahl has also expressed dismay at the reaction to her decision. “It’s not that I thought it wouldn’t be controversial”, says Tisdahl, “I just hoped it would create a backlash that would last much longer. I’m not going to get this much attention again until my funeral.”

One cannot help but sympathize with the mayor, as well as the members of the Evanston community who once were able to complain loudly and incessantly about the closing of The Keg, only to have the one-of-a-kind experience slip through their fingers. They’ll be forced to go back to grumbling about their Physics midterm or the seasonably cold weather.

EVANSTON – Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl announced Monday that she is permanently closing local iconic bar, The Keg of Evanston, due to repeated charges of underage drinking.

Tisdahl explained, “When an establishment breaks the law, it must be warned, and then punished. When it continues to break the law, it must be shut down.”

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Evanston residents, as Mayor Tisdahl has previously supported efforts to enforce Evanston’s “brothel law” and denied a liquor license to “The Tilted Kilt,” another local restaurant, last spring.

What was surprising was the lack of opposition from the voice of the Northwestern student body, known party fanatic Morton Owen Schapiro. He declined to comment on Mayor Tisdahl’s announcement, but his secretary reported that “Morty has been extraordinarily depressed by his failures to keep Tisdahl in check and fears she may yet succeed in returning Evanston to the nineteenth-century dream of Frances Willard, a world of pure sobriety.”

President Schapiro was seen in his office, wearing a “Keg of Evanston” T-shirt and nursing a can of Bud Light.

Tisdahl also announced that she was ordering the Northwestern Panhellenic Association and Interfraternity Council to disband. “I understand that underage drinking is not confined to The Keg. That is why I am eliminating the Northwestern Greek system and reinstating Prohibition in our fair city.”

McCormick junior Alan Kaponé reacted to Tisdahl’s decree, “I don’t see the big deal. We’re Northwestern students; we can do anything we set our minds to. We’ll find a way to get alcohol. Some of us may even make a profit on it.”

Tom Migon, owner of the Keg, said he will be converting his bar into a pet store, called The geK-o. “No alcohol will be served there,” he promised.

Later Monday afternoon, The geK-o released the following advertisement: “Students who speak easily will be granted access to special discounts and offers in the back of the store.”

THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.