TRIPOLI – In a bold choice of evasive strategy, former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has opted to dress in normal attire in order to hide from Libyan rebels.

Typically known for his bold, outlandish outfits, Qaddafi has come to the real

ization that one possible way to avoid recognition is to remove all searingly bright, leopard-print and fur-trimmed outfits from his choice of attire.

In an official statement released from the Qaddafi camp, the fleeing dictator asserted, “I’ve enjoyed many a year with the title ‘Most oddly-dressed dictator’ – though good ole Kim-Jong Il certainly has given me a run for my money. However, I’ve decided that now is not the best time to go around looking like my crazy self.”

Unfortunately, this strategy will likely prove somewhat effective for the ruthless leader. Though the Libyan rebels have been successful in overtaking the vast majority of Tripoli and the rest of Libya, it is very possible that their goal of capturing Qaddafi and punishing him for his egregious human rights violations will prove much more difficult now that Qaddafi has managed to make himself appear like a normal-looking asshole.

A leader in the rebellion groaned, “We really thought our task wouldn’t be that terribly hard. With those ridiculous sunglasses and oddly patterned outfits, his entire being just screamed ‘insane dick.’ Now, only his demeanor and complete disregard for human rights point to his identity as an irrational despot.”

Time Travel Gaming in Nintendo’s Future

REDMOND, WA – CERN’s highest-paying investor, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata, is hoping to harness the newly discovered power of the neutrino for the chance to realize his latest dream: the 4DS.

This not-so-hush-hush project arrives on the coattails of a declining interest in Nintendo’s last handheld console, the 3DS. In the face of plummeting sales, Nintendo decided the fourth dimension–time–was their best bet.

An American focus group, comprised mostly of 13 to 21 year old men deeply interested in Doritos, noted a “severe lack of ‘D’” as one of the reasons they wouldn’t be spending their Xbox Live money on the latest handheld device.

An anonymous member of the focus group told market researchers that he “want[ed] to be able to grope Princess Peach, not just look at her in a third dimension.”

A company representative stated that while the company has no plans for virtual reality gaming, they are looking to make it possible for 4DS users to create time paradoxes to their heart’s content.

Nintendo has also made it clear that it cannot guarantee that the system will be completely safe, or that players will be restricted from killing – and then becoming – their own grandfathers.

No matter the implications, the 4DS looks to be several quantum levels above the competition as far as time-travel gaming is concerned. Sony has yet to release the results of reported attempts to create a fully functional TARDIS, while Microsoft is still negotiating with Libyan nationalists for enough plutonium to fuel their flux capacitors.

EVANSTON – Northwestern emergency response personnel were on heightened alert this past week after an abnormally high number of freshman were found frozen along Sherman Avenue. NU faculty wonders why these freshmen would subject themselves to such a high-risk journey; many, however, believe that they were given no choice.

Fraternity brother Sam Coppermen spoke to the Flipside yesterday morning about the recent tragedy. “There is a serious ethical dilemma here. Freshmen need to flee to off-campus refuges to escape tyrannical CA control. The only problem is that our man-caves are usually too full to be able to accommodate all those coming to us for shelter and drink. Besides, it’s impractical for us to welcome in massive groups of freshman dudes when our parties are already sausagefests to begin with.”

Many students, left to escape from their dorm rooms in the dead of night, bring only the clothes on their backs.

Jeremy Gleftle, a freshman survivor, spoke with the Flipside: “We know if we bring heavy jackets or extra bags with us, they would get jacked by a confused drunk girl or be found doused in unidentifiable fluids under a couch somewhere. Subjecting ourselves to that kind of activity just doesn’t seem worth it.”

In related news, after actual wildcats showed up to Wildcat Welcome Week, many freshmen were mauled during their journeys between Essential NU sites.

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him.

“I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens lamented. “Instead, everyone just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.”

The subdued reaction from White Sox fans is a far cry from the attention Cubs fans gave to a fan who similarly interfered. ESPN recently released the documentary Catching Hell about a Cubs fan who caught a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 playoffs and was subsequently stalked, harassed, and threatened by the media and fans.

“I was expecting the whole star treatment too. Movie deal, crazed fans sending death threats, reporters stalking me in the parking lot, the whole shebang,” whined Stevens.

Instead, Stevens was completely ignored. The White Sox officials told him he could try to sell the ball online for a couple of bucks.

“I’m trying to pay off my mortgage! That Cubs ball went for over $100,000. I’ve got no bids on Ebay, and it started at $1. That’s cheaper than a new ball at Walmart!” Stevens grumbled.

Even the media is not interested; ESPN refuses return his calls, and the Chicago Tribune has filed for a restraining order. The Spartan Banner, the school paper from a local high school whose students attended the game as a field trip, covered the story without mentioning Stevens.

The Flipside decided to publish this article after Stevens begged in person. The third time Stevens approached the Flipside for attention, he burst into tears, prompting one sympathetic writer to spend her coffee break on this story.

“I never would have caught this ball had I known how little people would care,” Stevens muttered. “I had planned on taunting Ozzie at a press conference, but they even took that away from me.”

EVANSTON – Rifle sales across the country have risen as the trend of adorning one’s head with feathers has soared to new heights of popularity. Even though most girls sport only what grows from their scalp, being unique is no longer as easy as buying a fake feather from hairfeathers.com. In fact, many girls are now putting real feathers in their hair. To be viewed as true trendsetters, girls are setting down their purses, picking up their rifles, and heading into forests across America to hunt ducks, hummingbirds, jays, and other creatures of the sky.

Julie Conner, a fashion-forward sophomore in Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences, recently went on a hunting expedition with three of her best friends. According to Conner, “The rarer the bird, the more social cred you get.” Conner went on to explain how she plans to reach out to the Northwestern community. “We are organizing a trip for NU women to the Amazon Rainforest for the upcoming winter quarter. Students will have the opportunity to kill rare birds and to bond as a group over being unique.” Conner is hoping to come back from South America with a bag full of parrots, toucans and woodpeckers. She is still unsure as to how to get past TSA.

This unexpected rise in sport hunting has animal rights groups such as PETA in an uproar. PETA recently published an article titled, “What’s Next, Wearing Live Birds?” After glancing at this article, Conner admitted that even PETA can have good ideas. She is in the midst of creating a leash to attach a live pigeon to her ear.

Due to the rise in popularity of hunting rifles on campus, Conner plans to design a bulletproof vest for her pigeon as well.

EVANSTON — The Daily Northwestern stirred up controversy recently when a gaffe by one of their reporters, who mistakenly named Seth Meyers to lead the parade as “Grand Dragon,” slipped by the publication’s copy editors. Meyers will be serving as the parade’s Grand Marshal, but many have jumped to conclusions upon seeing Meyers’ name associated with a title normally bestowed upon high-ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Upon reading the article, Grand Cyclops Darrol Freedman Jr. of the Evanston Den and his fellow Klan brothers were incensed over the “gross misappropriation of a venerable title,” reserved for only those individuals who have shown their dedication to the organization through hard work and terrifying acts of racism. “At best,” remarked Freedman, “Seth Meyers might be ranked a Ghoul, although he could have been a Lictor if he’d thought to burn a 50-ft. cross at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. But even then, there’s that whole thing about him being Jewish. That’s a problem.”

Freedman’s “strongly-worded letter” to the editor of the Daily was met with no response, so he appealed to his superiors — primarily the real Grand Dragon of Illinois, George Michael. “It’s bad enough that I’m regularly mistaken for that 80s pop icon. You know, the one who sings ‘Faith?’” Michael intoned, “But now I’m mixed up with the guy responsible for the shitty state of SNL.”

Michael has since authorized a “totally, completely non-violent” march down Sheridan Avenue in protest of the Daily’s typo, scheduled for October 21st — coincidentally the same day as the Homecoming parade. In response, the entirety of the NU Black Alumni Association (NUBAA) has promised a counter-protest. All six members are outraged at the total disregard for political correctness on the part of all the situation’s main players. Loretta Stevenson, a spokeswoman for the NUBAA, has mentioned, “The student support for our cause has been overwhelming. Already, sixty-two student a capella groups have vowed to ‘sing for justice’ at our rally.” FMO is in the process of moving the date of its tailgate from Game-day to the night of October 21st. Not to be outdone, Northwestern Cru will also be handing out leaflets on every street corner and hosting a Bible study, urging students to ignore the protests and “root for God’s team,” instead.

The anticipated clusterfuck of protests and singing groups has shaped up to be the event of the weekend. “I might actually go to the parade this year,” said WCAS Junior Dylan Barnes.

Meyers himself was unavailable for comments, but a spokesman for the comedian reported, “Although Mr. Meyers has no intention of joining, he is flattered that the Klan was so taken with his work on SNL as to ignore his blatant Jewishness and recommend him for such a high position in the organization. He might actually go to the parade this year, too.”

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.