WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States.  Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve.

Many GOP politicians are shifting their support from Romney and Gingrich to Streep, due to the fact that she is not completely incompetent; she keeps a level head, she always effectively executes her roles, and she is not an indecisive idealist or a horny bastard.

As a highly respected actress, Streep already has a leg up on the competition.  Her undeniable class will bring honor back to the Republican Party, and many posit that her womanly strength will give the GOP the feminine angle that failed so completely with Sarah Palin back in 2008.

Streep already has the support of many Republican leaders.  An encouraging tweet sent Tuesday from Sarah Palin read “U go girl!!!! Just tell them what a maverick u r and the ppl will love u 4ever!!”.  Former president George W. Bush also voiced support, saying “Meryl Streep has the prudential to be the most beautiful President in the history of Amurrica.  But all seriousness aside, she would do a great job running the country”.

Streep wishes all the candidates good luck, and hopes to establish a grip on the country that rivals her grip on Anne Hathaway in the 2006 box-office hit The Devil Wears Prada.

EVANSTON — In the spirit of celebrating diversity at Northwestern, the dining halls prepared a themed dinner in honor of Chinese New Year. There was a large variety of Chinese food to choose from, including Beef Lo Mein, Chicken Lo Mein, Shrimp Lo Mein and Pork Lo Mein.

The décor of the cafeteria also stayed true to the Chinese culture with fake firecrackers hanging from the ceilings and lots of gold trim. However, these efforts went unnoticed by the university’s Chinese populace.

Long lines of Asians were seen at the pizza counter while the themed counters could only manage to attract the occasional curious white student. When asked why he did not try the cultural foods, Bok Lee, an international student from China said, “Oh! That was Chinese food?”

Another student who tasted the egg custard tart for dessert said he really loved the quiche, but couldn’t understand why it was in the dessert section.

The Asians that did acknowledge the effort praised the music and foods for their originality.

“I’ve always heard of Kung Pao Chicken, but I’ve never had it before,” said Ching Hua. Ug Nah, an exchange student from Indonesia, however, thought the chicken and nuts combination reminded him of home.

The soundtrack of traditional Chinese instruments playing in the halls struck the Chinese students with curiosity.

“The music is very interesting. My great-great-great-great grandma told me about songs like these, but I never heard them in person,” said Mimi Li. “I must ask them which antique store they found the record in.”

Fortune cookies were also distributed at the stir-fry counter. All of them contained the message “That was dog meat.”

EVANSTON – The slew of Facebook posts, video homages, and other means of gratuitous whimpers regarding the recent revoking of the liquor license of beloved local bar ‘The Keg of Evanston’ has slowly wound down, much to to the dismay of patrons of the bar. Collectively, the complaints about Mayor Tisdahl’s decision to revoke The Keg’s liquor license, which have lasted nearly 3 months, have become an event in and of themselves that has overshadowed the actual closing of the bar. An anonymous Northwestern student remarked on this phenomenon, “Yeah, the Keg was a good time, but I never got the opportunity to just bitch my heart out before the Keg closed. I’m going to miss being able to whine constantly without being judged.”

Other students share similar sentiments. A petition has been drafted, addressed to the City of Evanston, in an attempt to impede — but not stop — the inevitable closure of TKOE. The petition contains a clause that stipulates, ‘If this petition is to succeed in fully restoring TKOE to its former status, the support for this petition will be rescinded, effectively negating any positive effect on the bar.’ Says the lead writer of the petition, “We just want to buy The Keg some time so we can continue to complain about its unfair demise.’ It seems that the student body has joined unanimously in protesting the end of protesting the end of the Keg.

No one has been more vocal about the Mayor’s decision than Northwestern freshman Tanya Baker. She claims she was the 2,500th person to update her Facebok status with a diatribe against the Mayor, which was, in her eyes, a “courageous and effective form of protest”, despite her admission that she has never actually visited The Keg.  She noted that, lately, her Facebook rants “don’t get likes anymore”. Seemingly furious at the implication that complaining about The Keg’s downfall has gone out of style, Tanya has redirected her rants towards fellow students; “R.I.P. supporters of TKOE” was her most recent status.

Tanya’s friend Sarah, on her attempt to coax Tanya into moving on, said, “Tanya won’t stop because she’s anxious that her friends from home won’t believe that she actually went out to bars during college if she stops complaining about the death of the 9th-best college bar in the U.S.”

A 60-year-old man who frequented the bar, who requested his name go unmentioned, is also worried, but for entirely different reasons. “I’m that guy who used to sit in the corner and glare over the top of my mug o’ beer at them college students dancin’ all around,” admitted the regular. He has become aware of the decreasing amount of angst, and it makes him think that those college students don’t “feel the same way about [him] as [he] does about them.”

Mayor Tisdahl has also expressed dismay at the reaction to her decision. “It’s not that I thought it wouldn’t be controversial”, says Tisdahl, “I just hoped it would create a backlash that would last much longer. I’m not going to get this much attention again until my funeral.”

One cannot help but sympathize with the mayor, as well as the members of the Evanston community who once were able to complain loudly and incessantly about the closing of The Keg, only to have the one-of-a-kind experience slip through their fingers. They’ll be forced to go back to grumbling about their Physics midterm or the seasonably cold weather.

THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

Flipside Exclusive!

EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign.

Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations.

“I have always fought hard for the peace and safety of this city.” Said Tisdahl. “If that goal happens to coincide with the mission of the good people at the Temperance Union, then so be it.”

When reached for comment, Willard replied “Boo.”

A special editorial from area man Bob McCulloghy

So this past Sunday night, I was flipping through the most recent issue of Life Magazine, watching some good ole’ public broadcast television – and I heard about this SOPA thing. Barbara Calhoun was reporting that if SOPA happened, this thing called ‘The Internet’ would start getting regulated by the government. Now I’m not normally one to judge the government – they’ve never done anything to me. Every day, I wake up and have a bowl of cornmeal in front me so I assume they’re doing their job.

But Mrs. Calhoun seemed pretty riled up about this ‘Internet’ business, and that told me it must be something important – she’s never steered me wrong. So I went to one of those ‘café’ places where all the kids go, and decided to check out this ‘Internet’ for myself… AND HOT DAMN! THIS THING’S AMAZING! Did you know you can read the news on the computer? I finally found the Reagan Issue of Time that I’ve been looking for!!! AND THE PORN!!! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten paper cuts with my nudie magazines. Those things sting like the dickens! But now, that will never be a problem!

We should really spread the word about this whole Internet deal! I can’t even imagine how many people are missing out on this great creation. The government needs to at least give this thing a little bit of trial period before they go and do anything with it, because I sure don’t see anything wrong with it – and if more adults got the chance to see the Internet for themselves, I think they’d agree.

Shortly after making this statement, Mr. McCulloghy was arrested by the FBI for streaming episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. Nobody has heard from him since.