In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.”

This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made it past the treacherous pass, a fault blamed largely on their genetically predisposed inability to make it 2 yards without free medication. Since Canadians were invented in 1972, American scientists have been hard at work on methods to both keep out and at the same time steal from the people of “Americas Hat.”

Policy makers on both sides of the gap have sought to come up with explanations for this recent surge, but so far the motives remain unclear. One possible example might be national outrage at the Canadian showing in the curling event at the recent Winter Games.

A loss of such magnitude may very well provoke the Canadian supporters to jump ship onto the country with the winning sweepers. Said sub sweeper Gordon Lepepin of the showing: “We let our country down a bit, eh. I’m sure both of the viewers back home will be at least a little disappointed”. The government has tried to gauge the effects of the loss on these viewers. This may prove a little difficult; however, seeing as 50% of that number has since crossed the border and is therefore out of Canadian legal jurisdiction.  

This development is frightening, and it may even prompt the president to appoint another guard to the entirety of America’s northern border. Such an addition would bring number up to an unprecedented one and a half, cutting the workload of that cripple with a gun in Maine in half.

CULPEPPER COUNTY, VA – Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools.

“My daughter is only thirteen,” explained Jane Brown, a local church secretary. “She is far too young to know what a ‘vagina’ is, let alone that babies come out of there. And to say that a man could ‘get in there?’ Awful! If my daughter reads this, she will surely lose her chastity.”

Anne Frank’s novel has also come under fire for its apparent “lack of quality.” Conservative lobbyists have criticized Frank’s work for a lack of character development and plot structure. Citing slow rising action and shallow characters, a spokeswoman for Christian Mothers for Quality argued that the novel scarcely stands up next to classics like the Bible or the Left Behind series. The story has also been criticized as “too unrealistic.” Said the CMQ spokeswoman, “It would be a much more powerful text if readers could believe a girl would actually hide in an attic because of some fantasized ‘Nazi’ party and a completely fabricated racial purification movement.”

School officials responded to pressure, and immediately removed the illicit texts from library shelves. Explained one assistant principal, “If the book had more redeeming qualities, I might have let it slide. But it’s all smut. Did you know she’s a lesbian?” Administrators have offered a censored alternative. In the new version, all sexuality is wisely replaced with Christian values. Anticipating possible uproar over violent content, editors also removed the Holocaust from the text. Said the editor, “We want the book to retain its purpose, not to be clouded by pornography.”

THE PENTAGON- In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected.

From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location on the sexual spectrum on a scale from ‘Elton John sipping an appletini’ to ‘Rambo’ by reading their aura.”

According to defense secretary Robert Gates, “This invention is just super-fab. It takes all the guesswork out of determining whether a soldier just has a great fashion sense or if that earring on the right side is sending a more pointed message.”

Despite this glowing review, the advent of Gaydar is not heralded in all sectors. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has filed a complaint with President Barack Obama to address this “blatant breach of privacy.” When asked for comment, the President replied, “We are in the middle of two wars, an economic crisis, and massive health care reform. I will handle this issue when the right time comes; please wait your turn.”

The leaking of the report has upset the intelligence community. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would like to remind the public that the official stance of the U.S. military is that “Gaydar does not exist, and whatever you do, do not ask or tell about this terrific and super-duper invention we may or may not have.”

WASHINGTON – The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant to the forces that present themselves today as global warming.” He goes further to say that, “all of those stories about the rise of pollution in cities contributing to global warming are just urban legends.”

The groundbreaking report has angered environmentalists everywhere. Former Vice President Al Gore, crusader against global warming, is having trouble coming to terms with this new, even more inconvenient truth. “All this time, I thought I was helping the world by carpooling, conserving energy, and ‘going green’,” said Gore. “In reality, what I should have been doing all along was using my political connections to build up China into a superpower, thus facilitating the creation of a Colder War.”

In accordance with the report’s findings, the EPA has issued a list of recommendations to combat global warming. The organization suggests that people act with a detached demeanor towards anyone they meet while making sure not to allow any situation to escalate into open confrontation. Other advisable steps to take include attempting to see a lunar eclipse before your neighbor, and accumulating a larger collection of tools than any neighbor possesses. Frequent awkward contact with ex-lovers is also encouraged. Smith is confident that with this new information, society will be more capable of fighting the global problem. “If we all do our part to make our personal diplomatic climates a little bit colder, we can solve the problem of global warming once and for all.”

WASHINGTON – What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood.

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”

WASHINGTON – Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.”

The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval.

“Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick ass today. I can say with great certainty that we’ll be war-free for a long time.”

Men of the South agree with Lincoln wholeheartedly. “The Compromise has held up like a stone wall,” said Army General Stonewall Jackson, “I’m just so happy to be alive right now.”

Even common men are rejoicing because of the Compromise. “It’s great,” explained actor John Wilkes Booth. “With these laws in place, I don’t see how anything could ever make me angry or vengeful. By the way, come see my play at Ford’s Theater tonight! It’s so funny, it will kill you.”

Some people are less enthusiastic. Daniel Webster (Whig-MA) said of the bill: “Secession! Peaceable secession!” Debbie Downer then continued, “Sir, your eyes and mine are never destined to see the miracle.”

In a straw poll conducted this afternoon, most people agreed that Webster should cheer up and stop being so emo.

In other news, Army scientists announced today that their new, more powerful artillery would be used for “research only” and that in no way would it ever be responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans.

WASHINGTON – The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.

BOISE, ID – Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday.

He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians.

“A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there was a bad boy, a naughty boy who could shake his booty like that.”
It was an understood fact within the D.C. circles of politics that under the strict codes of the Bush Administration, members of the Republican Party were not allowed to publically engage in “dancing”, or what might pass as dancing among old, white men. However, political analysts noted that the enforcement of this rule has softened since Karl Rove managed to terrify the audience at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Dinner while showing off his moves in 2007, only to be completely shattered by Tom “Da Hammer” DeLay this fall.

Sen. Craig went on to discuss his career-ending arrest at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, the event he now describes as a “misunderstood practice session”.

“Tiled airport bathrooms are perfect for practicing tap when you’re not wearing your tap shoes,” explained Sen. Craig. “Had I the courage and pride to come out to the press and say ‘yes, I am a Republican, and I love to tap’, I’m very sure that I would have kept my job as a Senator.”

The former senator ended his press conference by asking voters to support Rep. DeLay by working the phones, encouraging other Republican politicians to join his movement to turn the Republican Party into a “Dance Party”, and announcing that he will be moving to New York City to audition for Off-Broadway productions while working part time jobs around the city’s public toilets.

WASINGTON – The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”

WASHINGTON – In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported.

“President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received a bad rap ever since a black man or two started complaining.”

When asked if he would be in favor of reinstituting the Jim Crow Laws and torture of Guantanamo detainees, Cheney responded with the following:

“If we can go through the policy and conclude that it’s constitutional, we should do what we can to reinstitute old policies that are being tossed aside by the liberal majority. If we would just reconsider the idea of torture, we would realize that there’s nothing in the Constitution that explicitly forbids any kind of punishment just because it is cruel or unusual.”

Cheney’s next press conference, scheduled to be given this Thursday from Capitol Hill, will be on the importance of good cardiovascular health and reinstating the Compromise of 1850.