WASHINGTON – What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood.

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”

WASHINGTON – Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.”

The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval.

“Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick ass today. I can say with great certainty that we’ll be war-free for a long time.”

Men of the South agree with Lincoln wholeheartedly. “The Compromise has held up like a stone wall,” said Army General Stonewall Jackson, “I’m just so happy to be alive right now.”

Even common men are rejoicing because of the Compromise. “It’s great,” explained actor John Wilkes Booth. “With these laws in place, I don’t see how anything could ever make me angry or vengeful. By the way, come see my play at Ford’s Theater tonight! It’s so funny, it will kill you.”

Some people are less enthusiastic. Daniel Webster (Whig-MA) said of the bill: “Secession! Peaceable secession!” Debbie Downer then continued, “Sir, your eyes and mine are never destined to see the miracle.”

In a straw poll conducted this afternoon, most people agreed that Webster should cheer up and stop being so emo.

In other news, Army scientists announced today that their new, more powerful artillery would be used for “research only” and that in no way would it ever be responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans.

WASHINGTON – The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.

BOISE, ID – Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday.

He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians.

“A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there was a bad boy, a naughty boy who could shake his booty like that.”
It was an understood fact within the D.C. circles of politics that under the strict codes of the Bush Administration, members of the Republican Party were not allowed to publically engage in “dancing”, or what might pass as dancing among old, white men. However, political analysts noted that the enforcement of this rule has softened since Karl Rove managed to terrify the audience at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Dinner while showing off his moves in 2007, only to be completely shattered by Tom “Da Hammer” DeLay this fall.

Sen. Craig went on to discuss his career-ending arrest at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, the event he now describes as a “misunderstood practice session”.

“Tiled airport bathrooms are perfect for practicing tap when you’re not wearing your tap shoes,” explained Sen. Craig. “Had I the courage and pride to come out to the press and say ‘yes, I am a Republican, and I love to tap’, I’m very sure that I would have kept my job as a Senator.”

The former senator ended his press conference by asking voters to support Rep. DeLay by working the phones, encouraging other Republican politicians to join his movement to turn the Republican Party into a “Dance Party”, and announcing that he will be moving to New York City to audition for Off-Broadway productions while working part time jobs around the city’s public toilets.

WASINGTON – The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”

WASHINGTON – In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported.

“President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received a bad rap ever since a black man or two started complaining.”

When asked if he would be in favor of reinstituting the Jim Crow Laws and torture of Guantanamo detainees, Cheney responded with the following:

“If we can go through the policy and conclude that it’s constitutional, we should do what we can to reinstitute old policies that are being tossed aside by the liberal majority. If we would just reconsider the idea of torture, we would realize that there’s nothing in the Constitution that explicitly forbids any kind of punishment just because it is cruel or unusual.”

Cheney’s next press conference, scheduled to be given this Thursday from Capitol Hill, will be on the importance of good cardiovascular health and reinstating the Compromise of 1850.

CRAWFORD, TX – Former President George W. Bush was described as “the happiest he’s been in years” Thursday after he successfully named 22 of the 44 U.S. Presidents on the popular trivia quiz site Sporcle. “George was strutting around the house, grinning like he won the lottery,” explained his wife Laura, “I haven’t seen him that happy since we got Saddam.”

Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more recent conservatives including Nixon, Reagan, and Ford. After getting 22 correct answers he hit a roadblock and was forced to give up.

“He was really upset that he missed both George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush,” explained Laura, “but he decided that 22 was good enough.” Aside from missing his father and himself, Bush had a couple close calls. He was able to remember William H. Taft’s real name after typing “that fat guy” for 2 minutes on end with no results. He also kept trying “that one who dropped the nucular bomb” for Harry S. Truman before remembering his name as well.

Despite these late catches, Bush did have some unfortunate misses. He reportedly asked his wife why the quiz didn’t accept “Jefferson Davis” for the president from 1861-5. Similarly, when Barack Obama’s name was revealed after Bush gave up, he quickly asked, “who?”

After his moderate success with the Presidents, Bush has decided to try some other quizzes. “The other day, he tried to name every member of his cabinet,” Mrs. Bush commented, “unfortunately, he only got 3 correct answers.”

WASHINGTON – After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose. When pressed for more information on the subject matter, President Obama replied, “It is important that we show the American people that we are deadly serious about this piracy problem, and what better place to start than the three most illustrious pirates in America?” The Flipside attempted to contact Depp when this news came out, but it turned out that had fled the country to the Cayman Islands. There, we believe that he plans to rendezvous with the rest of his crew and begin “to terrorize innocent people just trying to make a living.” The Flipside was able to contact Knightly, and she told us that Bloom wouldn’t be seen for another ten years due to his “work.” She, herself, has decided to join up with Depp, making all of President Obama’s claims to appear to be true.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O.

Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his motorcade. He and the First Lady visited a Washington D.C. area GM dealer after returning from the G-20 Summit. “We were looking for something quaint,” says Michelle Obama. “Barack and I were ready to buy one of those new GMC Acadias. He wanted to get one that had a black interior and a white exterior, but I convinced him that black and black was the way to go.”

To the Obama’s dismay, the dealer was unable to locate the exact make and model they requested. “They had such specific requests on such short notice,” claims GM salesman Rick Mahogany. “I just couldn’t get what they were looking for in time. I’m only one man.”

President Obama is allergic to incompetence, so he fired the salesman on the spot, citing an executive order. His recent control over GM helped speed along the process. “I will be appointing a more efficient staff to the local dealership. Only if we work together and end inefficiency can we combat this global crisis.”