WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government.

“I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s threatening the future of our country.”

Ortega-Hernandez continued, “I felt was up to me to stop the White House. So I did. With a Romanian Cugir SA semiautomatic assault rifle. Unfortunately, the White House windows I attacked – what I believed to be the creature’s weakest points – were made of bulletproof material, and I was not successful.”

News sources other than The Flipside have reported that Ortega-Hernandez was trying to assassinate President Obama (a charge for which the 21-year-old is now in custody), but the shooter exclusively told The Flipside that this is false. “How can they think that? Obama was in Australia when I shot the White House. I’m not an idiot!”

Four days after the failed assassination attempt, a two-month-old video surface in which Ortega-Hernandez called himself “a modern Jesus.”
“At first I thought I was the Vatican,” explained Ortega-Hernandez. “But then someone corrected me and told me Jesus Christ is responsible for all the cool things the Vatican does – the Vatican itself, which is such a beautiful building, doesn’t literally do them. I am a modern Vatican. I mean, a modern Jesus.”

SAN FRANCISCO – After protesting outside the Oakland financial markets for twenty minutes, the last businessman in Oakland stepped outside of his cardboard office and asked if any of the protestors wanted a job. In a stunning response, the protesters immediately left Oakland for San Francisco.

“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs,” said Sarah Smalls, a leader of the former Occupy Oakland movement. “All we’re asking is to make a comparable amount of money as the people on Wall Street without doing much work.”

Smalls also cited a startling inequality: highly educated people are making more money than those who are less educated or unemployed.

“We thought Oakland was the right place to protest because it represents everything that is wrong with America,” Smalls said through a megaphone in a one-on-one interview. “Its name is bland, its police are not the nicest people, and it is the setting of Moneyball.”

“And we just want some of those balls,” the reporter imagines she added.

While all of Oakland’s middle class, who were eating at Chili’s on Fourteenth and Fairmont, were happy to see the protesters leave, the mayor expressed his disappointment in a public statement released on MySpace.

“We are deeply saddened to see the occupiers leave. The movement was a real boon to our economy and helped reverse the population decline in the city. We hope the occupiers come back to protest. Compared to Raiders fans, they were quite civil.”

TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election.

John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.”

One political commentator pointed out that an unlicensed plumber trying to pass himself off as a pseudo-intellectual with the skills necessary to run the government seemed rooted in foolishness.

“The system in Washington is a toilet clogged by a massive shit,” Wurzelbacher responded. “I’m bringing the plunger. I’m bringing the Drano.”

But perhaps the most shocking revelation is that Rick Perry is still the dumbest Republican candidate.

Perry’s transcripts from his alma mater, Texas A&M, have surfaced—he received a slew of Cs and Ds, including a C in gym and a D in principles of economics.

To help hone his razor-sharp debating skills, Perry requested a challenge of hardline rhetoric with Wurzelbacher in the most valid forum of political machismo: the WWE Championship.

Perry—“The Texecutor” in the ring—is already generating excitement among wrestling fans with his utterly incomprehensible tough-guy talk.

“Do you smell what the Texecutor is cookin’?” Perry asked. “Well it ain’t a last meal, ‘cause we don’t do that in Texas no more.”

Wurzelbacher—“The Plummeler”—has yet to respond. He reportedly seemed bewildered that anyone would challenge him to a fight in his favorite arena.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is voicing yet another concern about “Joe the Plumber.” “Wurzelbacher? What kinda foreign name is that? I demand to see a birth certificate!”

PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza.

“Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.”

Cain apologized when one senior pointed out that people do deliver pizzas on bicycles.

The Republican candidate, who recently has emerged as a frontrunner in polls, was formerly the CEO of a Nebraska-based pizza chain and frequently touts his business experience as a credential in his campaign until yesterday, when his speechwriters ran out of pithy ways to relate running the United States to running a Midwestern pizza chain, leaving the 65-year-old man to fend for himself.

“Well, I got the name ‘Godfather Pizza’ from the popular gangster movie ‘The Godfather’, and I like to think that I’d bring to the American government the same kind of efficiency that Don Corleone brought to American organized crime,” Cain said, realizing quickly how fucking stupid he sounded.

“Sorry about that, everyone,” he added miserably.

Cain reportedly finished his speech with half an hour of vague metaphors relating tariff policies to pizza toppings, finishing by drawing a picture of a pizza on the whiteboard behind him.

WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that the conservative base needs a “charismatic, smooth-talking leader able to embrace some liberal notions, a mold fit perfectly by Mr. Obama.” Hannity also noted Obama’s history in the White House as a point in his favor. “What better way to prepare for the office of the president,” he reasoned, “than being in the office of the president?”

Obama’s GOP campaign is seen as particularly strong in Iowa, where his skill set seems tailor-made for success. “Based on previous evidence, Obama’s ability to give rousing speeches in Iowa is off the charts,” explained Hannity. “I think his remarkable oratory skill is exactly what the Republican Party needs to win a battle of wits against that other orator whom the Democrats have nominated.”

In fact, Obama is seen as a perfect candidate based in large part on how well he matches up against his theoretical liberal counterpart. Obama, many conservative pundits believe, has exactly the leadership skills and ability to make tough decisions that could topple President Obama. “It’s funny,” Hannity remarked, “he’s so self-assured. He acts like he’s already won the presidency. I love his confidence.”

If Obama doesn’t work out, the Republican Party may pursue former President John F. Kennedy instead. “Kennedy’s oratory prowess makes him a viable candidate,” Hannity told The Flipside, “Now, I wonder where he’s living these days?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rick Santorum has made good on one of his campaign promises even before the end of the Republican primaries. On October 10th at approximately 2:30 pm, John Boehner slammed his gavel, passing a new bill banning anal sex in America. Santorum, a former Pennsylvania Senator and current presidential hopeful, suggested the legislation to current Congressmen. Republicans pushed hard and were just barely able to slide the ruling through.

In the ensuing press conference, former Senator Santorum was quoted as saying, “Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”

Shortly after this public appearance, Senator Santorum was made aware of a warrant issued for his arrest regarding a clause in his bill. According to Article 3, Section A, “…on the passing of this bill, the dissemination of any idea relating to or promoting the idea of a foreign object entering the anal cavity of a human shall be deemed illegal and punishable under the full extent of the law.” Unfortunately for the politician, he only learned after the passage of the bill that according to a cursory Google search, “Santorum” is defined “The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”

Acting quickly and zealously to enforce the newly passed law, police ordered a full-scale raid of the candidate’s office building in order to apprehend the ex-Senator. Rick Santorum was nowhere to be found, though a few staffers claimed to have seen him squeezing himself into an air vent, using his own sweat as a lubricant to slide him through. Most of his clothing was found in his office. Cameras recorded a mostly-naked Santorum jumping into the sewer system at around 6:30 p.m. that night.

Since the warrant for his arrest was issued, Santorum has been all over the news and is brought up frequently on network television. Since catching a whiff of recent events, many mainstream Republican commentators have turned their backs on their former “golden boy” and regularly spew execration at him. Bill O’Reilly, once a staunch ally, has condemned the conduct of the former presidential hopeful. “Santorum is the product of a sullied taint that has been hanging over the nation for years,” raged the pundit on Tuesday. “How could our society have produced slime as filthy as Santorum? This matter should be on the brain of every conscientious man in the country.”

The hunt for the politician is still on. Despite days of legwork, the authorities still have yet to produce Santorum. Police are offering a $10,000 reward for any information leading to the capture of the former legislator.

District of Columbia Chief of Police Cathy Lanier released a statement this morning: “Santorum has flown after penetrating the nation’s most tightly-protected bastion, staining the dignity of this police force. I urge any citizens with relevant information to come out, like true patriots.”

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Standing like a triumphant Davy Crockett outside the most historical, revered building in all of the great nation of Texas, with the Denny’s sign brilliantly aglow behind his coifed locks, Governor Rick Perry spoke about his new plan to cut last meals for death row inmates.

“No more will we have to bear the brunt of ragamuffin, tarnation-filled, yellow-bellied allegations that Texans are overweight. These inmates just have to learn to cut back.”

Despite some uproar from local pancake houses who profited greatly from selling huge pre-death combo meals, GOP members have reacted with great exuberance to Perry’s new goal of literally chewing off the state’s fat.

“This new plan will likely save the United States an exorbitant amount of money in the coming year,” expert quail hunter Dick Cheney said Tuesday. “Our estimates indicate that a reduction in costs of this magnitude could be used to jumpstart grassroots business endeavors. Like Halliburton.”

Pundits speculate that Perry’s new campaign against sweaty chubsters could indeed put him ahead of all other competitors in next year’s election.

Hog impersonator and gorging enthusiast Rush Limbaugh praised Perry’s plan, dubbed CUM (Cut Undesirable Meals), in a recent interview..

“We can all benefit from CUM in our daily lives.”

Droves of local Texas residents have emerged from Golden Corral-food hibernation to trumpet their support for the new legislation. “Shit, I been waitin’ for this for a long time,” Jimbo Mason-Dixon said, pitchfork raised and at the ready. “If we cut out all them meals, we can finally afford to reach the killin’ quota of three hundred. Ya know, like that movie.” Mr. Mason-Dixon was subsequently arrested for catapulting his pitchfork through the window of a local Walgreens after screaming something about Athens, an act which prompted the American Classical League to cancel their planned seminar in Houston that week.

While it is impossible to say exactly where this fight will take our stately Lone Ranger next, perhaps Richard Weissman, political correspondent to the White House summed it up best: “It’s gonna be like a goddamn potluck next year, and Ricky’s bringing the Pancake House.”

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago

First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career.

I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re not supposed to let me get away with it! We’ve been doing the same dance since my daddy helped the mafia elect JFK, so why you gotta go and fuck with it now?

I skim enough from the coffers to run a third-world country; you find out and get all indignant that it’s somehow happening again; I spend a couple months in a minimum-security resort-prison; you watch a shitty Lifetime Original Movie about the ordeal, and I get to sail off into the sunset on my 50-foot yacht!

I mean, how could you not get me back in ’04?!? Blagojevich and I made Tammany Hall look like the fuckin’ Vatican! And the whole time; unencrypted emails, phone records, hotel receipts, the whole fucking nine yards! I put my own head on a silver platter for you dipshits, and if even a single one of you had bothered calling the Tribune, you could’ve won a Pulitzer, and I could have finally gotten a break from this goddawful job.

Rahm, if you’re reading this, know that you have my full blessing. May your scandals be discreet and non-treasonous. I’ll see you at the indictment, good buddy. But try not to take too long; I promised my son he’d get to be mayor too.

The White House has announced plans to release the Department of Defense’s research that culminated in the military’s recent discovery of Pakistan.  According to the official statement, formerly classified reports outlining the search for the Islamic Republic of Pakistan will be publicly available from the Library of Congress by October 2011.  The papers illustrate the Department of Defense’s progress, and reveal the data that recently allowed our troops to finally pinpoint the elusive 300,000- square mile landmass in South Asia.

“Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,” said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration.  Specialized American forces have been looking in places throughout the Islamic world, such as Afghanistan and Iraq, and only recently did they discover the Pakistani nation.  Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan “hiding” slightly above the Indian subcontinent.  He also expressed that with this knowledge, a feeling of security will hopefully be restored to the American people.

The public version of the report will be edited before its final release.  For purposes of national security, some names of military officers and presidents are to remain anonymous.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!”

The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income. “The government does not know how much money goes untaxed,” said Ryan. “It’s all cash transactions. For all we know, these babysitters could be illegal immigrants!”

The bill has garnered bipartisan support in both the House and Senate. Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), House Minority Whip, explained the Democrats’ position in a prepared statement: “While we are appalled by the contents of this bill, we are so desperate for any tax increases at all that we have decided to support it. The Bush-era tax cuts continue to cripple the government; we need more tax revenue. Now.”

The bill will employ thousands of federal prosecutors who will lurk outside elementary schools and in neighborhoods with high proportions of children. These “watchdogs” will try to identify babysitters who are paid in cash and file reports to the FBI.

FBI agents will then arrest the babysitters, who will be held in prison until the income taxes they should have paid are paid (plus the standard tax evasion fines), or for a period no longer than five years.

Surprisingly, the only strong opposition to the bill comes from the Tea Party. “Gosh-darn that Sixteenth Amendment,” said potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “The government should be lowering taxes, not arresting babysitters! As a mother, I know just how essential these little girls and boys are to middle class America. If I couldn’t pay a fraction of minimum wage for childcare, I sure as heck couldn’t afford so many shoes!”

In addition to prosecuting babysitters for past tax fraud, the bill also includes language that will make such fraud impossible in the future. Beginning in 2012, it will be illegal to pay babysitters in cash. People employing babysitters must deduct taxes from paychecks and also prepare W-2 forms to give to the babysitters, who will then have to file income taxes each year.

“This bill represents the American way,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ). “Ninety percent of preteen and teenage babysitters use their unreported income to pay for abortions, and this bill will help solve this epidemic.”