WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled racism.”

Most Birthers were more than happy to put aside their beliefs in the name of bipartisanship, but a few expressed persisting concerns about Obama’s eligibility to lead; all spoke on condition of anonymity, however, as they were afraid that their fringe, wildly bizarre beliefs could lead to ostracism and scorn from the rest of society.

“So, now that I’ve been shown a piece of paper, there’s no way I can doubt Obama is a true American,” one former Birther began. “But (and I only say this in the most hypothetical sense), he could still technically be an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, right?” At hearing such a fucking stupid statement leave his own lips, the Birther’s cheeks turned to a bright shade of red.

“Well, yeah, I mean, that wouldn’t make any sense, huh? I mean, he did just kill Bin Laden, huh?” the Birther laughed nervously, eager to save face.

Some radicals have continued to fight for Obama’s impeachment, despite complete condemnation by GOP leaders. But since the birth issue has been so thoroughly disproven by uncontestable methods, they have resorted to hiring former National Enquirer writers to discover new grounds for impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors”.

“It hasn’t worked as well as we’d‘ve liked,” said Jack Boyd, who has spent the last week spearheading an anti-Obama campaign despite harsh disapproval even from Michelle Bachmann. “Even if Obama was born a bat boy, (and let me just say that we’re still waiting on proof that he wasn’t!) there’s nothing in the Constitution prohibiting a bat boy from serving as president.”

Boyd and his fellow “Batty Brigade” have announced a series of nation-wide rallies, but without a single corporate sponsor or backing party, members have resigned themselves to leafleting community colleges and conducting guest spots on radio shows in the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. slot.

“Maybe this is hopeless,” Boyd told me sadly, after one such session. “Maybe I just have to accept that Obama isn’t Kenyan or a terrorist and that my deep-seated hatred of his Presidency may just be a fear of blacks that I’m ashamed to admit to.” Boyd glanced over at his rusted-out Buick in the driveway.

“I’m gonna need a new fuckin’ bumper.”

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town.

While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as their starters.  Now that Ash has been elected to this office, he has made some more promises. “I want a Master Ball for every trainer and a Magikarp in every home,” Ketchum said in a press conference this Monday. Ash has also decided to make Professor Oak his Technologies Supervisor, a position he will create upon taking office.

Yet the new VP is already stirring up controversy. In the press conference, Ash made it abundantly clear that he refuses to work with any trainers who use Ghost-type Pokemon.  Earlier he stated “Guys, you know I’m all about diversity. I think all Pokemon were created equal as much as the next guy, but come on. Ghost Pokemon are just plain cheap.  You can’t use any physical attacks against them.  I just won’t stand for it any longer.”

When asked for his stance on the Living Wage campaign, Ash responded, “Living wage? Pokemon don’t need any money.  All they need is love, food, and shelter.  Sometimes only one of three.”

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.  The senators have all unanimously agreed that losing their primary source of coitus means that they have a right to find mistresses, instead.

Flipside was able to speak to Senator Hansel Brigmiester.  [The following has been translated into English]  ”If our women refuse to satisfy us in our quest to create the longest and least important governmental deadlock in history, then we have no choice but to turn to our mistresses.  We believe that our wives have crossed a line.  Clearly, the only reason we have wives is sex.  We couldn’t possibly give a care about the companionship, tax write offs, ability to start a family, or even just having someone to hold at night.”

As a result of the strike, women all across the world have discovered that they, too, can withhold sex from their spouses or boyfriends.  Beth Harper (class 2012) spole with the Flipside: “My boyfriend Mike wasn’t going to to see Burlesque with me, so I went on a sex strike.  He saw it with me the next day. Thanks, Ms. Temmerman; you’re an inspiration to us all.”

Ms. Temmerman has just announced that if the sex strike fails to force the Belgium senators out of deadlock, the women are prepared to stop making sandwiches for their husbands as well.

The Flipside thanks Kyle Ward for pointing out a grammatical error.

WASHINGTON—In response to the false hijacking alarm triggered by a cup of spilled coffee last week, the FAA issued a statement Monday mandating that pilots use sippy cups on all domestic and international flights.

“Drinking out of big-boy cups is a privilege, not a right,” commented FAA Administrator, Randy Babbitt. “When our pilots show they have grown up, they can have that privilege back.” Babbitt also announced today that the FAA would be issuing Mickey Mouse and Big Bird cups to airlines with the hope of getting a cup in every pilot’s hand by the end of the week.

Although the move has had widespread support on Capitol Hill, the move has unsurprisingly been met with stiff resistance by pilots and pilot advocacy groups. The National Union of Airline Pilots (NUAP) threatened to challenge the new regulation, stating, “If our pilots want to drink Juicy Juice while on the job, they should be able to do it like the grown-ups that they are.”

Babbitt also let slip that the FAA was planning to implement a new time-out policy next year for “naughty passengers, such as those made infamous on September 11th.”

DOVER, DE—Following her loss to Democratic senator-elect Chris Coons in last week’s midterm elections, sources are reporting that Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell has suffered a relapse, giving in to most if not all of the behaviors she condemned during her candidacy.

“It’s heartbreaking,” stated fellow Tea Party member Rand Paul. “She’s just not the same charming woman America fell in love with; every time I see her now, she’s either hexing Democrats or masturbating furiously.”

“Curiously,” added Paul, “she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

The issue came to a head two nights ago, when O’Donnell was arrested for vagrancy, disorderly conduct, and a charge of animal cruelty. Officers testified that O’Donnell was found wandering the streets of Dover in a drunken stupor, covered in blood and wielding a large kitchen knife.

According to a 911 call made moments earlier, O’Donnell had allegedly stumbled towards a family of raccoons, shrieking, “FUCK YOU, COONS!!” before slashing at the animals in a primal rage.

When officers arrived at the scene, O’Donnell collapsed into the arms of Detective Reid Harrison, running her fingers up and down his chest and asking if he would “like to have a ‘tea party’ with [her].”

Detective Harrison wrote in his official statement that O’Donnell appeared visibly confused as the arresting officers read O’Donnell her Miranda rights:

“We have rights?” O’Donnell inquired, before shaking her head angrily and sighing loudly. “What a fucking stupid country.”

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office.

“After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The Hangover and Facebook-stalk Kanye West instead,” Obama said in an interview with The Flipside. “My hair has turned gray in the last 2 years. No one’s wearing shirts with my photoshopped red, white and blue head anymore. I needed to get my youthful, hip edge back. That’s when I found Sporcle.”

“I thought there was a national security emergency when I received a frantic call from the President at 3am on Thursday,” Hillary Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State, told the Flipside. “It turned out that Barack couldn’t remember the name of Buttercup, one of the Powerpuff Girls, with only 35 seconds left on the ‘Female Cartoon Network Characters’ quiz.”

The President’s new hobby has resulted in some shakeups on the Hill. Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke allegedly considered tendering his resignation after Obama forgot his name on the “Obama’s Cabinet” Sporcle game. His family life is also feeling the effects: Obama’s daughter Sasha almost went to the press after 4 nights sans Harry Potter readings.

After his momentous completion of the 116,365^th game, Obama started writing his own quizzes.

His quizzes can now be found on the Sporcle website, including “Obama Merchandise” (the “’Yes We Can’ Opener” and the “’Head’ Of State Obama Vibra-Dildo” were the most frequently-missed answers) and “Celebrities Who Endorsed the Hip, Still-Relevant Obama in 2008.”

Incoming Speaker of the House, Representative John Boehner (R – OH), commented, “This is a surprising admission. We’ve seen addictions before in Washington—sex, drugs, gambling–but Sporcle, that’s certainly a change. Just not the one Americans were supposed to believe in.”

EVANSTON—In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.

The former Vermont governor won over many fans when he effectively ended his 2004 presidential campaign by making a squealing, high-pitched scream noise that was both disastrous and hilarious.

Dean’s supporters were dismayed. “I mean, you follow a guy for so many years, you think you know him, and its like he totally changed,” said Steve Gershwin, a member of College Democrats. “It’s disappointing to see how much he gave into the politics.”

Bethany McCormick has followed Dean closely since that initial scream in 2004. “I really didn’t want to just sit there and listen to them babble about the policies and young voters or whatever,” she said. “I came to hear Howard make funny noises and it is disheartening to see him abandon his fan base like that.”

Even Sen. Santorum seemed surprised by Dean’s serious tone. “Really, the fact that Howard never made that little piggy noise was a huge strategic error. That definitely undermined his credibility.”

Dean could not be reached for comment, although a spokesperson for the former governor said that funny noises “are not completely off the table” at future speaking events.

PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the law that led to the creation of this monument to relations between the two countries.

A press release following the announcement of the Fence of Liberty stated that “it is the hope of the government of Arizona that this endeavor will help to improve US-Mexican relations. It has long been said that good fences make good neighbors and, well, that’s one hell of a fence.”

Yet in spite of official enthusiasm for the project, the Fence of Liberty is not without its detractors, from immigrant-rights groups who claim that the fence represents racism on the part of the state government to firefighters who fear that sun reflecting off of the miles of copper plating will cause massive brushfires. Perhaps the most vocal opposition to the fence comes from the State of New Jersey, which claims that Arizona is infringing on a beloved New Jersey landmark. The State of New York claims that the State of New Jersey is full of shit, and that Arizona is in fact infringing in its beloved landmark.

Without unified legal opposition to the new monument, all these detractors have is their words and their petty East Coast squabbles. Construction on the Fence of Liberty is slated to begin in August, pending funding approval.

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name.

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”