AUSTIN, TX – The lifeless body of Ultra Jesus 3000 has been retrieved from a cross at the summit of Comanche Peak. The 33-month old robot, hailed as the messiah of a fringe religious cult, is suspected to have been tortured and killed by a group of fundamentalist Christians, though early reports indicate that most Texans intend to blame the Jews anyway.

The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied reports of his creation have been brought forth in the hours since his death. Applian Fandomentalism, a maniacal cult dedicated to the worship of Apple computing products, was the first to widely recognize Ultra Jesus 3000 as a messianic figure, reminding many of AF’s rise to notoriety in the 2050s and 60s, when followers began seeing images of their mythical lord “The Almighty Jobs” on burnt pieces of toast and consumer electronics.

App-enthusiasts believe that Ultra Jesus 3000 was the result of an immaculate installation between The Almighty Jobs and a Mechanized Android RecYcling (MARY) unit on the Apple factory production line. As proof of Ultra Jesus 3000’s messianic capabilities, they point to many supposed miracles, including the miraculous debugging of virus-infested Windows-based robots, and the stunning conversion of DRM-protected .m4p files into MP3s.

Many others, however, do not accept Ultra Jesus 3000 as a viable messiah, pointing to a possible father figure, Apple employee Joey “Saint J” Bethlehem. A recovering addict and all-around degenerate, neighbors and close acquaintances say that they “would not be surprised” if Joey had been caught having sex with factory equipment again.

Apple Computers has announced a new line of robots to be produced in Ultra Jesus 3000’s image; titled Christ the Restarter, the full-size models will be fully functioning messiah-bots preprogrammed with all of Ultra Jesus 3000’s memories, beliefs, and mannerisms. The first complete unit is expected to rise in three days.

TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as “Brian,” is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhone’s voice-recognizing assistant.

“It all started off alright,” Brian said, “I was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.”

Brian says that he should’ve taken the phone’s first interaction with him more seriously. “I started it up, and the first thing it said was, ‘What’s your name, sexy?’ But I figured that was just a joke.”

“Then I caught it taking a video of me changing,” Brian continued. “It got to the point where every time I would ask it to do something, like, say, email my boss, it would only comply if I removed an article of clothing.”

Allegedly, when the victim attempted to call his lawyer, Siri refused to dial the number while repeating, “Come on, baby.”

“I would buy an Android,” Brian said, “but my friend said they’re all racist.”

Time Travel Gaming in Nintendo’s Future

REDMOND, WA – CERN’s highest-paying investor, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata, is hoping to harness the newly discovered power of the neutrino for the chance to realize his latest dream: the 4DS.

This not-so-hush-hush project arrives on the coattails of a declining interest in Nintendo’s last handheld console, the 3DS. In the face of plummeting sales, Nintendo decided the fourth dimension–time–was their best bet.

An American focus group, comprised mostly of 13 to 21 year old men deeply interested in Doritos, noted a “severe lack of ‘D’” as one of the reasons they wouldn’t be spending their Xbox Live money on the latest handheld device.

An anonymous member of the focus group told market researchers that he “want[ed] to be able to grope Princess Peach, not just look at her in a third dimension.”

A company representative stated that while the company has no plans for virtual reality gaming, they are looking to make it possible for 4DS users to create time paradoxes to their heart’s content.

Nintendo has also made it clear that it cannot guarantee that the system will be completely safe, or that players will be restricted from killing – and then becoming – their own grandfathers.

No matter the implications, the 4DS looks to be several quantum levels above the competition as far as time-travel gaming is concerned. Sony has yet to release the results of reported attempts to create a fully functional TARDIS, while Microsoft is still negotiating with Libyan nationalists for enough plutonium to fuel their flux capacitors.

EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness.

“Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how terrible peopleʼs lives are, re-post statuses that can apparently cure cancer, and now hashtags? Canʼt a guy just stalk girls without all that extra bullshit?,” complained Ian Yorehouse.

An advanced stage of this disease, commonly referred to as Twittourettes, is starting to affect people in our own Northwestern community.

Aaron Loud, a theatre major, is recovering from a recent bout with the crippling sickness, and says he is trying to take his recovery one day at a time. “I used to think that tweeting 40 times a day was socially acceptable #keeptellingmyselfthat, but now I see the dire implications of my actions #ihavebecomeatotaldouchebag.”

Scientists say they hope to discover a cure before the virus mutates again, possibly leaving half the earth’s population unable to use more than 140 characters per thought.

EVANSTON – In one of the most severe cases of what doctors are now calling “Look-At-Me Syndrome,” or LAMS, Weinberg sophomore Catey Jepson has developed an extreme compulsion to let as many people as possible know where she is at all times. In some instances, Jepson also lets on how she feels about where she is.

“At any given time of the day, I’m certain nearly everyone is wondering where I am,” Jepson said. “I’ve made it my mission to put an end to that wondering.”

It’s this kind of delusion that is typical for LAMS victims, psychologist Dr. Rich Harwill explained. He said symptoms range from the occasional “With my gurlz at the bar! Love you bitchesss <3” Facebook status update to Jepson-level abuse of multiple social networking tools.

“It’s when interfaces like Twitter are being abused that there’s real cause for concern,” Harwill said.

In a typical day, Jepson sends out about 100 Twitter updates (which are linked to her Facebook) and checks-in to 10 different places for the “benefit” of millions of disinterested viewers. Jepson is also the “mayor” of several locations—a fact that literally no one but Jepson cares about.

“Since its inception, Twitter has made it all too easy for self-obsessed crackpots like Catey to share their location,” Harwill said. “Also, ‘Places’ is more or less a gateway drug for self-indulgent Facebook users that are more susceptible to LAMS.”

“Places” is a Facebook application that allows users to check-in to even the most random and unnecessary locations. “Places” sometimes offers rewards for checking-in to certain places, although most will agree that $10 off a pair of Gap jeans is hardly worth the acute aggravation Facebook friends feel.

“Catey actually checked-in to ‘Elder Dining Hall,’” Jepson’s ex-Facebook-friend Carl Gillen said. “I punched my desk so hard after seeing that on my News Feed that I broke my hand. You have to be pretty fucking misguided to think anyone cares where you’re eating.“

Unfortunately, LAMS is growing. According to a recent study, Twitter and Facebook status updates that include the phrases “I’m at,” “chillin at,” “hit me up at” or “be here all day” have gone up 80 percent since last year. At the same time, the number of followers/friends who “care even a little” remained a constant zero percent.

Luckily, though, Harwill said LAMS is a generational phenomenon; it is not hereditary, as the syndrome is based on technology use. Further, LAMS patients are “way too annoying to ever get close to having children.”

“Let’s just say they won’t be checking into a serious relationship any time soon,” Harwill chuckled.

BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.”

“At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle in its fundamental state.”

Brickons generally come in five colors, red, blue, yellow, white, and black, but have been seen more rarely in a much wider variety of shades, ranging from mahogany to transparent green.

The most common combination of brickons is when eight red brickons come together to form a structure known as a “red brick.” As it turns out, brickons can be useful in many other forms because of their unique properties, namely that they come together and break apart so easily.

Although we don’t realize it, brickons make up many things in the world around us. Photographic evidence exists that the Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower, and many other landmarks around the world are actually made of brickons. In cinema, most of the spaceships from the Star Wars saga as well as Hogwarts Castle from the Harry Potter series are all made of brickons. Some movie theaters are even made of brickons. Most shocking of all, evidence exists that people are actually made of brickons.

“None of us imagined how widespread the existence of the brickon is until we knew that it existed,” commented Jacobs. “Now that we know they exist, I wonder how tall a tower could be built with them…”

by b4113rh4113r

sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey
radsportsdude69: hi
sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn
radsportsdude69: hoo is this?
sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math
radsportsdude69: Oh, hey
radsportsdude69: sup?
sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that
radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol
sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol
radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she is talking to me
radsportsdude69: Sorry… wrong window
radsportsdude69:lol
radsportsdude69: u there?
radsportsdude69: I g2g
sWeEtIeBABI444: O sry I was just checking my buddy profile
radsportsdude69: oh lol
radsportsdude69: I don’t have to go nemore
sWeEtIeBABI444: r u going to the dance this Fridayyyy?
radsportsdude69: idk, u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: yeah, im goin wit Jooooey
radsportsdude69: oh. cool.
sWeEtIeBABI444: well I should go lylab!!!!
radsportsdude69: love ya too!
sWeEtIeBABI444 has signed off. Please try again later.

Translator’s notes:

Katie: Hello.
Lester: Hello to you.
Katie: How are you doing?
Lester: Nothing much is occurring in my life. How about yourself?¹
Katie: [politely] I am just relaxing. Thank you.²
Lester: To whom am I speaking?
Katie: I am Katie; I am in the same mathematics class as you.
Lester: Hello. [again]
Lester: What is going on in your life?
Katie: My life is relatively uneventful at the moment, though you already inquired similarly at an earlier point in our exchange.
Lester: I realize this now. How funny.
Katie: In what activities are you indulging tonight?
Lester: Very few activities. How about you?
Katie: [a guffaw of sorts] I am enjoying the company of friends. We watched the film, The Ring. [guffaw]³
Lester4: She is quite exquisite. I have no idea why she takes any interest in me.
Lester: My apologies! I have sent a message to the wrong person.⁴
Lester: [guffaw]
Lester: Are you still there?
Lester: Well, I must leave now.
Katie: Sorry, I was editing my Buddy Profile.⁵
Lester: [guffaw] I see!
Lester: Perhaps I shall stay for a moment longer.
Katie: Will you be attending this Friday’s ball?
Lester: [No one would dare invite me]. You?
Katie: Why yes, I am. I will be escorted by [Lester’s arch enemy] Joseph.
Lester: [Fuck]
Katie: I must be leaving now. [You will never have a chance with me]⁶
Lester: I love you very much
Katie never received Lester’s final message.

¹ One might note that here we see a discrepancy between the question and his response.
² The colon-parenthesis combination signifies happiness in American teen iconography.
³ It is often thought that Lester begins masturbating here, however some evidence indicates he may have started when Katie introduced herself (for more, see Second Base at the Movies: Seventh Graders in the 2000’s by Thomas Honsbergh).
⁴ Lester intended this message to be sent to his friend Charles. Their conversation has been lost, but some evidence survives indicating that Lester and Charles discussed the how unlikely it was that Katie would talk to them and how Katie’s breasts were “frickn awesome,” but she had “an ok asss.”
⁵ Buddy Profiles allowed young teens to publicize who they were dating that week.
⁶ LYLAB was a common acronym for Love You Like A Brother, but was commonly meant as a clever way for women to dismiss any sexual interest in a male acquaintance.

WASHINGTON—After receiving an “error report” last Wednesday, Microsoft executives are frantically trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do next.

The error report, which asked the tech company to fix a bug in its operating system that caused Word documents to crash unexpectedly after extended periods of idleness, was sent by WCAS freshman Arnold Shoenbach. According to Microsoft, this was the first error report they’ve ever received.

Shoenbach, a long-time Microsoft Word user, experienced his crash last week.

“I was writing a paper for my history class,” Shoenbach said. “I went to the bathroom, and when I got back, I opened up a couple other applications and tried to start typing again, but then the screen froze for a couple minutes and Word crashed.”

What Shoenbach did next makes him possibly the most blithely optimistic Microsoft consumer to date.

“I clicked ‘Send Error Report,’” Shoenbach said. “. . . Why are you staring at me like that?”

All previous victims of Microsoft Word crashes opted to ignore rather than report an error after a crash. Microsoft executives estimated that the “Don’t Send” button on the error report window is probably clicked by over one billion irritated consumers per day.

“I don’t get it,” Chief Software Architect Gerry Oakland, said. “The ‘Don’t Send’ option has always been the default. The damned thing is already highlighted to draw the user’s attention.”

Microsoft programmers are devastated that their 30-year hiatus from doing anything may have come to an end.

“Our policy around here has always been ‘feigned ignorance is bliss,’” Oakland said.

Since no one at Microsoft has any idea how to approach application errors, executives are looking for other solutions. “We’re treating this like we’d treat any other problem,” Oakland said. “We’re going to find a way to convince ourselves it didn’t happen.”

In addition to offering Shoenbach $50,000 to “never speak of this again,” executives are considering adding three new options to the error notification window—“Close,” “Disregard,” and “Carry On.” Each of the new buttons will do what the “Don’t Send button” already does. This new feature will likely be part of a Word upgrade next year.

The writers of The Flipside have planned to write an article commemorating the tenth anniversary of the creation of Wikipedia. However, due to approaching midterms and general laziness, we have decided to just copy and paste the Wikipedia entry on Wikipedia instead. Happy tenth, Wikipedia!

Wikipedia ( /ˌwɪkɪˈpiːdi.ə/ or /ˌwɪkiˈpiːdi.ə/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-ə) is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.5 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers around the world, and almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone with access to the site. Wikipedia was launched in 2001 by Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger and has become the largest and most popular general reference work on the Internet, ranking eighth among all websites on Alexa and having 365 million readers.

The name Wikipedia was coined by Larry Sanger and is a portmanteau from wiki (a technology for creating collaborative websites, from the Hawaiian word wiki, meaning “quick”) and encyclopedia.

Although the policies of Wikipedia strongly espouse verifiability and a neutral point of view, critics of Wikipedia accuse it of systemic bias and inconsistencies (including undue weight given to popular culture), and allege that it favors consensus over credentials in its editorial processes. Its reliability and accuracy are also targeted. Other criticisms center on its susceptibility to vandalism and the addition of spurious or unverified information, though scholarly work suggests that vandalism is generally short-lived, and an investigation in Nature found that the science articles they compared came close to the level of accuracy of Encyclopædia Britannica and had a similar rate of “serious errors”.

Wikipedia’s departure from the expert-driven style of the encyclopedia building mode and the large presence of unacademic content have been noted several times. When Time magazine recognized You as its Person of the Year for 2006, acknowledging the accelerating success of online collaboration and interaction by millions of users around the world, it cited Wikipedia as one of several examples of Web 2.0 services, along with YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook. Some noted the importance of Wikipedia not only as an encyclopedic reference but also as a frequently updated news resource because of how quickly articles about recent events appear. Students have been assigned to write Wikipedia articles as an exercise in clearly and succinctly explaining difficult concepts to an uninitiated audience.

LONDON – Members of the Royal Society of London reported to have found evidence that Sir Isaac Newton first discovered that the number 80,085 looks a lot like the word “BOOBS”. While reviewing Newton’s original manuscripts, Professors Rob Ellington and David Barrow unearthed a document suggesting that the same man who theorized the fundamental laws of motion also noticed how to spell “BOOBS” with numbers.

The text of the manuscript reads, “It would appear that the sum of eighty-thousand and eighty-five, when written as a series of numeric digits, bears a striking resemblance to BOOBS. I have presented this over tea to a colleague at Cambridge, who found it quite amusing.”

Isaac Newton is credited as the father of classical mechanics. He also published theories on theology, universal gravitation, and integral calculus. According to the Royal Society, the new theory of BOOBS may have been Newton’s most important idea.

Ellington and Barrow encountered this groundbreaking find while reading through Newton’s journals, which have been preserved in the Royal Society’s library since the English mathematician and philosopher’s death in the 18^th century. “This truly is a remarkable primary source,” said Professor Ellington in an interview with the BBC. “I believe that these journals are solid proof that Sir Newton was the first man to discover this numeric relationship, hundreds of years before today’s young mathematicians made the same discovery using their digital calculators.”

“It seems that even without the proper technology to demonstrate the significance of the number, Isaac Newton was able to make this postulation,” added Professor Barrow. “He demonstrated an admirable talent for seeing ‘BOOBS’ so clearly.”

However, not all mathematicians are happy to hear this report. In response to the Royal Society’s claim, officials of the German Academy of Science asserted that Gottfried Liebniz, a contemporary and rival of Newton, made the discovery first.