VANCOUVER – With the Special Olympic World Winter Games in Vancouver, Canada fast approaching, the International Special Olympics Committee (ISOC) has concluded an investigation on allegations that athletes use performance enhancing hugs in their training.

“These people show no remorse for their actions,” ISOC chairman Jim Stevenson said in a press conference. “Hugs during training are one thing, but just before and after events? This has gone too far.”

Family members, and even competing players, participate in hugging in the open. Northwestern University’s Feinberg Medical School published a paper on the subject in the January 2010 issue of Science. Researchers found an exponential increase in self-evaluation, warm fuzziness, and smiles following just a single hug.

“Hug users have an unfair advantage over the un-hugged,” says Stevenson. “Hugs serve to artificially heighten an athlete’s willpower and stamina. Simply put, it’s immoral.”

Due to the short-burst effect of these performance enhancing hugs, it makes them difficult to test.

“Eyewitness sightings are the only reliable indicators of hug use,” said ISOC spokesman Janice Levingston. “Once these athletes get hooked, it’s hard to quit. They’re often found searching for hugs outside of the arena of competition. This is dangerous territory.”

A mandate has been set in place by the ISOC. Any athlete found hugging another individual during the time of competition shall be erased from the record books.

“We just want to be taken seriously,” added Levingston. “These Olympics aren’t all fun and games.”

NEW YORK CITY — In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll.

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.

EVANSTON – A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL — Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints, we think.

Reggie Wayne hauled in some catches. Dallas Clark did, too. Austin Collie also contributed.

New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees tried to calm the storm by passing for 289 yards on 29 of 36 attempts. Brees was sacked twice and was picked off twice in commercials comparing Katrina to Haiti.

Reggie Bush illegally pushed several players into the end zone. He also wore a 48 karat diamond earring.

We suppose The Who’s halftime performance must have made hundreds of oddly coordinated fans jump up and down in front of a guitar shaped stage. Peter Townshend, 64, made highlight reels nationwide when he forgot the answer to “Who Are You?” and responded by asking “who, who; who, who?”

Budweiser may have stolen the show with their hilarious commercial featuring animals doing human things.

Throughout the game, the ball moved up and down the field. A couple of times it got in the end zone. Others times, it went through the goal posts. On occasion, a white guy dropped the ball onto his foot, causing it to soar the other direction in the air. It was really exciting.

After the loss, New Orleans entire economy collapsed, we assume.

CHICAGO – Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future.

“Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor to have Tiger on board to help promote the show.”

This is the first new endorsement deal for Woods since reports of infidelity poured out after his neighborhood car accident. Many of his previous sponsors have since relieved Woods of his spokesman duties.

“Tiger is not only the best at what he does, but he’s also able to fake a supposed professional demeanor — he’s a true swinger, and that’s what we’re looking for,” Springer added. “He has all the qualities I want people to think of when they think ‘Jerry Springer Show.’”

“Jerry Springer is a great guy to work with,” Woods told The Flipside reporters. “I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life, and this is the perfect way to do it. It’s apparent that everyone who goes on The Jerry Springer Show finds the right path. Jerry’s ‘final thoughts’ should put me back on top of the golfing world in no time.”

Springer is busy arranging a special primetime edition of the show that would feature Woods, his wife, and all of the alleged mistresses in Tiger’s life. If that’s not good TV, what is? Jerry! Jerry!

TAMPA – Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”

JUPITER ISLAND, FL – In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective on his life.

“After an intense weekend of lying on the psychoanalytic couch, I’ve finally realized what the real problem is,” Woods told reporters. “Ever since I can remember, the game of golf has obsessed me. Many nights, I wake up in a hot sweat from recurring nightmares of balls, clubs, and holes. They call to me across the curvaceous hills and valleys of the green. The wind rippling through the water hazards seems to whisper one single word: ‘Gimme.’ These holes need to be filled, and I’m the only one who can do it for them.”

Woods’s therapist, the revered Dr. Ziggy Fraud, reflected that his patient’s career considerably impaired his personal life. “When Mr. Woods could golf, he could find the satiation of sublimation by sinking a putt. However, when he could not release his passion constructively, he was forced to find something else to sink, so to speak. I believe that Mr. Woods is a very selfless man. Like football players taught to tackle and basketball players indoctrinated into the worship of the hoop, Woods sacrifices the health of his sexual life to our enjoyment every day. These courageous men deserve only our tolerance and respect, as they are driven to find symbolic, existential emptiness through which to toss their balls.”

EVANSTON – David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d meet him there,” the point guard explained, “but when I got to the room, there wasn’t so much as a Koosh hoop anywhere in sight.”

Vineyard explained that when Stephens entered the room, his gym attire and the orange ball in his hands initially confused the other attendees. However, his appearance was quickly forgotten in a chorus of “Hey!!!!” and Vineyard yelling, “SHOTS!!! FOR THIS GUY!” This seemed to delight Stephens, who then said, “Shots sounds good. I need to work on my jumper. Where are we going, exactly?”

The partygoers explained the Stephens that the party was right here, and he was about to get hammered. Stephens took offensive to this, replying, “I might be small, but no one throws down the hammer dunk on me. I’ll swat that shit away, no sweat.”

Eventually, Stephens began to lighten up, but retained his sporting personality throughout the pregame. When asked how he was doing, the point guard explained that he was just “taking it one drink at a time” and that he’ll “really need to step up at the actual party and give it his all.”

Stephens had reportedly been involved in a similar misunderstanding last week, when he wore his Sacramento Kings #4 jersey to a round of the drinking game of the same name.

Coach Dave Takes Team Out for Pizza

SKOKIE – They said it was impossible. Well, believe it! Yesterday, parents of the Skokie eight-and-under Little Leaguers witnessed a feat once thought to be unreachable. In a stunning four inning 25 to 23 nail-biter, the Cubs upset the heavily favored Athletics to capture their first World Series title in 101 years.

There’s usually no crying in baseball, but there are exceptions, especially when the conversation involves the Cubs. “When I found out I was on the Cubs this season,” explained seven year old Sam Sklare, “I started crying. The Cubs just never win. I wanted to be on a winning team.”

Many have speculated about the reason this popular franchise had gone so long without winning it all. “Whenever someone’s parents brought Kool Aid for the team snack,” second baseman Steven McMahon told Flipside reporters, “we would always lose. I think that had something to do with it.” Other theories include old man Barnaby’s black dog running across the field in 1969, denying a pet kangaroo entrance to the diamond in 1945, and Brett Eli’s stupid little sister reaching for a foul ball down the left field line in 2003. These theories are happily being put to rest.

It was a thrilling game on a cool Saturday morning. The Cubs’ starting pitcher went 2/3 of an inning, giving up thirteen runs on two hits, eleven walks, and thirteen errors. “[Zach Singer] gave us a great start. He almost threw two consecutive strikes,” noted Coach Dave. The Cubs rallied against the Athletics bullpen late in the bottom of the fourth until the game was stopped due to time constraints. A slow ground ball off the glove of the Athletics’ third baseman, subsequent throwing error by the Athletics’ left fielder, and a catching error by the Athletics’ catcher proved to be the difference.

“Coach Dave took us out for pizza afterwards,” added the Cubs’ right fielder. “I wanted to go to Disney World, but pizza is good too, I guess.” One of the two game baseballs will go directly to Cooperstown.

One of the team fathers told The Flipside at the game’s conclusion that “the coaching staff tipped off the umpire before the game. It’s amazing what a thirteen-year-old will do for twenty bucks.” Nonetheless, this is indeed a day for celebration.