NEW YORK – Rex Ryan, the controversial head coach of the NFL’s New York Jets, showed a flash of humility last Sunday when he decided to finally eat his words and recant on promises for a championship season. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, Ryan tucked his napkin into his shirt and began to chow down.

“I’m the one to blame here,” Ryan said between mouthfuls. Criticism from the local media arose when, once the Jets’ playoff hopes were finished, Ryan opened the spice cabinet and brought out some salt and butter.

Gang Green’s season was officially over with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in week seventeen. “I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

At one point in their 2011 campaign, the Jets were 8-5 and on the cusp of being one of the NFL’s elite. Unfortunately for them, Ryan was on that cusp with them, and it subsequently cracked and collapsed.

Some members of the New York faithful are even blaming Ryan for throwing in the towel before the Jets were out of contention. Ryan, however, asserts he did not throw in the towel, brandishing a barbeque-and-ketchup stained napkin as he chewed his salted words: “I have it right here. Clearly not thrown in.”

“Once again, I apologize for letting down my team and the fans,” concluded Rex as he stuffed his face with three years’ worth of words. The Jets will look to wrestle their way out of adversity next year with a big 2012 season. With the 1,500 pound Ryan on their side, it’s tough to imagine them losing.

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

THE MOON – Baseball’s most successful franchise won its seventy-fifth straight title (and seventy-seventh overall) last week, defeating the Galactic League champion Boron VI Green Stockings of the Luciferin Galaxy. This year’s Series was played on Earth’s moon for only the fifth time after the Moon League won the All-Galaxy Game in a dramatic 4-3 nail biter. It was Starlin Castro IV who hit the go-ahead 1,091 foot homerun in reduced gravity to give the Cubs the 2161 title.

The Cubs’ great seventy-five year run all started when (then) Major League Baseball finally integrated the game with human clones. The Cubs were allowed to play a clone of Jackie Robinson for the first time in 2074; the franchise never looked back. The Ricketts family, owners of the Chicago Cubs, bought the patent on human cloning in 2080, which has prevented other teams from using cloned players.

“People told my family that we had no right to buy the patent, that anyone should be allowed to use it to bring back loved ones who have since passed on, but we didn’t listen,” Steve E. Ricketts, great-great-grandson of Tom Ricketts, told The Milky Way Flipside. “We promised a World Series title to Earth-Chicago and this was the only way to give it to them. Trust me, we tried everything else.”

The 2161 Cubs, which consists mainly of Babe Ruth, Albert Pujols, and Starlin Castro clones, defeated many powerhouse teams before clinching title number seventy-seven. They defeated teams on HGH, teams consisting of mainly robots, and teams consisting of silicon-based life forms.

“We’re no match for carbon-based life forms, that’s for sure,” explained Boron VI third baseman A117N Thompson. “Especially cloned carbon-based life forms.”

In related baseball news, the St. Louis Cardinals, New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox, and Miami Marlins all failed to reach the playoffs again. The last time any of these pathetic Earth League franchises won the World Series was in 2011.

CHICAGO – Rumors began circulating today that the NBA lockout may soon be lifted, reminding fans across the nation that professional basketball still exists. If the meetings between league officials and the players’ union continue to progress, the 2161-2162 season will be salvaged and NBA games will take place for the first time in 150 years.

The lockout began in 2011 and was expected to last for a few months. However, talks broke down between the two sides, and season after season was canceled, forcing players to look elsewhere for employment. Many got jobs as high-school basketball coaches, others were hired to “reach shit on the top shelf.” LeBron James, the league’s most prominent and polarizing star at the time of the lockout, shocked the country when he decided to attend Northwestern University as an undergraduate in the fall of 2030; he claimed to have chosen the school because “it didn’t have a fourth quarter.”

With all of these players passing away decades ago, it’s hard to imagine why anyone would really care about the NBA. Media analysts say that even if the league makes its return this winter, it will have a tough time competing with major-market sports like hover-NASCAR.

Still, legal representatives of both the players and the league will meet again today to discuss things like a minimum salary for robots and dunking on zero-gravity courts. “It’s nice to see everyone cooperating and working towards bringing professional basketball back on top,” said NBA Hall-of-Famer Earvin “Magic” Johnson, who’s still alive for some reason.

In related news, Brett Favre spoke to reporters Monday about another potential NFL comeback. The 192 year-old Pro Bowl quarterback recently retired for the 40th time.

EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles for attempting to destroy labs containing cancer samples. Occasionally this would include patients as well, usually without the consent of their families.

After his arrest in 2008 following the destruction of a wing of Johns Hopkins Medical Center, he turned his attention to other forms of cancer. In early 2009, he was photographed stomping on specimens belonging to the crab genus “Cancer”, and reports have surfaced from people who claim to have seen Frazier throwing rocks at the “Cancer” constellation. Whether he hit it or not remains unknown, but astrologists have claimed that “odds are slim, but knowing Smokin’ Joe, who knows.”

For three years, cancer would allow these assaults to continue, but no longer. Police details remain sketchy, but early reports indicate that one of cancer’s heavier hitters, liver cancer, broke into Frazier’s home on November 4th at around 6 in the evening. Wielding a heavy piece of pipe engraved with the words “Live[r] Let Die,” the tumor managed to destroy several of Frazier’s belongings before the fight broke out. As mentioned, the details of the confrontation are not fully known, but Frazier took several blows to the abdomen before the growth escaped. He was rushed to the hospital, but has just recently succumbed to his wounds. Doctors have described it as “cancer”, but from what this reporter has seen, the cause of Frazier’s death also includes blunt trauma, blood loss, and, for some reason, jaundice.

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.”

Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered some sort of key, but I’m not biting just yet,” said Stern through mouthfuls of gold-encrusted caviar flakes. “If the lockout belt is going to be unlatched, Mr. Bryant will need to bring something else to the table in these negotiations. We need to stop with the prenuptials and get this relationship back on track. Put a ring on this finger.” Beyonce Knowles refused to comment, despite having recorded the best video of all time on the subject.

Having made an impulse purchase of a dozen diamond rings in 2003, after meeting a 19-year old pawn dealer in Eagle County, Colorado, Bryant was well prepared for this response. “I kind of expected this reaction, but I’m not sweating. The Black Mamba always finds a way to slither into the underbrush.”

Other NBA players are not quite sold on the new negotiation tactic, now being referred to by Metta World Peace (née Ron Artest, really) as “Please the White Man.”

Recently, humility advocate LeBron James met with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, to discuss the possibility of playing an entirely new sport. “I think I’m taking my talents to South Wales,” stated the athlete. Sandy Brown, general manager of the South Wales Fencing team, was thrilled to hear the new announcement. “We couldn’t be more excited to have to Tiger Woods come play for us.”

The following afternoon, paparazzi captured an image of Delonte West passionately embracing Kutilda Woods, Tiger’s proud mother.

While no final solution has been reached between the two bickering parties, ESPN NBA Analyst Jhadi White made a poignant point about the state of the basketball union: “It’s like the Civil War. Bryant plowed the fields of ole’ David E. Lee’s untamed turf. But we don’t have a Dominatrix Court House situation yet.”

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years.

“We are excited and overjoyed to have Theo Epstein join us as the newest member of our organization. It has always been a priority for us to find people who have had success in the past, pay them an exorbitant amount of money, and have them underperform year after year.  We feel that Theo will be able to provide all the heartbreak and radio talk show fodder that Cubs fans need for the foreseeable future,” explained Cubs owner Joe Ricketts.

In 2004, Epstein led the Red Sox to their first World Series championship in 86 years, a feat Cubs fans call bush-league compared to their current 103 year drought.

Epstein however, took the high road in describing his previous accomplishment.  “It is a fact that more New Englanders died in the 86 years between Red Sox championships than there were casualties in World War II. That makes the Red Sox drought, which I ended, deadlier than Hitler and the Plague combined.”

Critics of the Cubs signing claim that the team faces the same risks that the Red Sox faced shortly after they signed Epstein, which include boosting attendance, ending their cherished losing streak, and becoming relevant in the baseball world.

Steve Bartman, a hero to hundreds of thousands of Cubs fans criticized the move. “Can you believe the risk Ricketts is taking in signing Theo? While I am sure in the long term he will continue our losing ways, we run the risk of actually winning a championship in the meantime.  If we win, that bastard will have ended a combined 189 years of losing tradition. Even the French haven’t lost for that long!”

Sources in DC report that the Washington Nationals, who haven’t made the World Series since 1969, are already in line to sign Epstein after he leaves the Cubs.

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game.

“I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most football fans would die for. Of course, he accepted my offer and promised us a W on Saturday,” Fitz told an undercover field reporter when asked about the alleged bribe.

Upon discovering this backhanded transaction, most Northwestern students felt relieved to know their head coach cared enough about them to try to make the football games less of a letdown than in previous weeks. WCAS junior Jeff Baker stated, “I think his idea of bribing the Penn State coach was much more effective than lengthening practice time for the football team. Why waste valuable time bettering the team when a simple bribe will do the trick?”

Despite the overall positive feedback, Northwestern freshmen were noticeably less than pleased with Fitz. SESP freshman Macy Combs said, “I just don’t understand why we would even worry about losing during homecoming week. In high school we always won that game; obviously in college the same thing will happen.”

This Saturday’s game versus Penn State will most likely find many fans eagerly awaiting what may be the last win they will ever see secured by the NU football team. The freshmen, despite their anger at Fitz’s bribery, will undoubtedly show their trademark school spirit at football games, hesitantly mumbling the fight song and jingling their keys just a few seconds too late.