CHICAGO – Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.

CHICAGO – Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

“Willpower” rating created specifically for Denver QB Tim Tebow

MAITLAND, FLORIDA – EA Tiburon, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”

Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy.

“I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.”

Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this is what they want to be doing. Back again will be exciting clips of NBA players doing what NBA players do best: dunking a small ball into a hoop, getting tattoos, and driving expensive cars around.

“Thank God I don’t have to shovel snow with inner-city school kids anymore,” said 15-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. “Now I can get back to what I really care about—working on my free throws.”

NBA Doesn’t Care reverts back to neglecting the communities that support the league and who look up to athletes as role models.

“Seriously, why the hell are kids looking up to me as a role model?” asked Allen Iverson.

“Why we talkin’ about charity? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talking about charity. Not a game, not a game: charity,” Iverson added.  

However, projections show that NBA Doesn’t Care will generate more money than the older program due to its other provisions, added to compensate for the loss of revenue. Capital will be raised by allowing players to donate money to see refs physically swallow their whistles and dunk them in dunk tanks. Viewers will also be allowed to place bets on various refs fighting Rasheed Wallace in boxing matches.

The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

NEW YORK CITY — In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll.

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.

EVANSTON – A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL — Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints, we think.

Reggie Wayne hauled in some catches. Dallas Clark did, too. Austin Collie also contributed.

New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees tried to calm the storm by passing for 289 yards on 29 of 36 attempts. Brees was sacked twice and was picked off twice in commercials comparing Katrina to Haiti.

Reggie Bush illegally pushed several players into the end zone. He also wore a 48 karat diamond earring.

We suppose The Who’s halftime performance must have made hundreds of oddly coordinated fans jump up and down in front of a guitar shaped stage. Peter Townshend, 64, made highlight reels nationwide when he forgot the answer to “Who Are You?” and responded by asking “who, who; who, who?”

Budweiser may have stolen the show with their hilarious commercial featuring animals doing human things.

Throughout the game, the ball moved up and down the field. A couple of times it got in the end zone. Others times, it went through the goal posts. On occasion, a white guy dropped the ball onto his foot, causing it to soar the other direction in the air. It was really exciting.

After the loss, New Orleans entire economy collapsed, we assume.

CHICAGO – Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future.

“Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor to have Tiger on board to help promote the show.”

This is the first new endorsement deal for Woods since reports of infidelity poured out after his neighborhood car accident. Many of his previous sponsors have since relieved Woods of his spokesman duties.

“Tiger is not only the best at what he does, but he’s also able to fake a supposed professional demeanor — he’s a true swinger, and that’s what we’re looking for,” Springer added. “He has all the qualities I want people to think of when they think ‘Jerry Springer Show.’”

“Jerry Springer is a great guy to work with,” Woods told The Flipside reporters. “I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life, and this is the perfect way to do it. It’s apparent that everyone who goes on The Jerry Springer Show finds the right path. Jerry’s ‘final thoughts’ should put me back on top of the golfing world in no time.”

Springer is busy arranging a special primetime edition of the show that would feature Woods, his wife, and all of the alleged mistresses in Tiger’s life. If that’s not good TV, what is? Jerry! Jerry!