EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team.

“The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized it’s absolutely unreasonable for us to expect people who got a 2200 on the SAT to be good at football. It just doesn’t make sense!”

The Athletic Department is currently in the process of deciding which state school to recruit players from. “As long as our players do not attend or never will attend Northwestern, Northwestern might just have a shot at the Rose Bowl this year,” Harrison said.

The soon-to-be-former Northwestern footballers will still get to play games. An exhibition match against the Evanston Middle School football team is scheduled for Friday at 6PM.

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday.

“We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Flipside. “He burst into the room and went right for the cereal cart. We tried to stop him, but we couldn’t! We did everything: we blitzed, we tried calling a timeout, we tried complaining to the official, and we even tried tackling!”

By the time the rabbit was brought down, he had eaten nearly all the Trix, ending a nearly fifty-two year cereal-drought.

“We were on the wrong side of the history books today,” remarked Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald. “As if losing to Iowa wasn’t bad enough, we’re responsible for this atrocity. Five year-olds used to stop this [rabbit], yet he got through us?”

Why did it take the Trix rabbit so long to eat Trix cereal? Why didn’t he just go to the grocery store? What about ordering from Peapod?

“There’s no reasoning with this bunny,” explained General Mills CEO Lance Vickerson. “People don’t realize he was originally created for a psychological study. We conditioned him early on to desire a new cereal we were creating, but would never let him have any. It drove him mad. We continued the study for decades and were amazed at his unwavering persistence (yet immense stupidity) toward obtaining Trix of his own.”

It seems the Trix rabbit finally wised up. It’s not too hard to fool children, but it’s really not too hard to fool Northwestern’s defense these days.

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags.

This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse.  Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had started.

Tensions were running high throughout all of last week. Following the Yankees/Rays game, Boston general manager Theo Epstein spoke out, bringing allegations of under-the-table dealings on the part of the New York management.

“They clearly threw the game. That was such a dick move,” Epstein remarked.

Northwestern alumnus and Yankees skipper Joe Girardi was quick to counter the accusation, explaining to reporters that he was simply honoring New York’s “proud century-old tradition of selfish assholery.”

“I wasn’t raised to fix games! It’s not in my DNA!” said Girardi. “We were a lock for the playoffs, so we stopped playing our stars. By God, when the Yankees fuck Boston over, we fuck ‘em over right,” he said.

The results of the investigation were released publicly last night.  Upon hearing that Boston planned to appeal the decision, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez addressed the media.  “Sucks to suck!” the once-relevant infielder shouted.

When asked who should be responsible for the nightmarish end to the season, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia spoke to the press from a high-chair.  Pedroia said, “you’ve gotta tip your cap to those guys, this team will definitely bounce back, it is what it is,” and other annoying baseball cliches. Sources say the All-Star second baseman had been drinking since the third inning.

The investigation also exposed a shocking new development to sports fans across the country: For the first time in decades, the Baltimore Orioles have been demonstrated by field researchers to actually exist when baseball matters. In response to learning this, Orioles’ slugger Nick Markakis said, “Wait, seriously?! Who would’ve thought?”

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him.

“I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens lamented. “Instead, everyone just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.”

The subdued reaction from White Sox fans is a far cry from the attention Cubs fans gave to a fan who similarly interfered. ESPN recently released the documentary Catching Hell about a Cubs fan who caught a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 playoffs and was subsequently stalked, harassed, and threatened by the media and fans.

“I was expecting the whole star treatment too. Movie deal, crazed fans sending death threats, reporters stalking me in the parking lot, the whole shebang,” whined Stevens.

Instead, Stevens was completely ignored. The White Sox officials told him he could try to sell the ball online for a couple of bucks.

“I’m trying to pay off my mortgage! That Cubs ball went for over $100,000. I’ve got no bids on Ebay, and it started at $1. That’s cheaper than a new ball at Walmart!” Stevens grumbled.

Even the media is not interested; ESPN refuses return his calls, and the Chicago Tribune has filed for a restraining order. The Spartan Banner, the school paper from a local high school whose students attended the game as a field trip, covered the story without mentioning Stevens.

The Flipside decided to publish this article after Stevens begged in person. The third time Stevens approached the Flipside for attention, he burst into tears, prompting one sympathetic writer to spend her coffee break on this story.

“I never would have caught this ball had I known how little people would care,” Stevens muttered. “I had planned on taunting Ozzie at a press conference, but they even took that away from me.”

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team.

The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according to ESPN analyst Herman Edwards. “He can definitely build on this,” he added.

Upon hearing the rumor, Marshall was distraught. “It was like I was stabbed in the back, and then stabbed in the back again. I mean figuratively, of course; my wife actually stabbed me in the abdomen.”

Marshall has been a member of the Miami Dolphins for one season after being dismissed from the Denver Broncos. In Denver, he was known for cutting people in line and cutting out of practice early, to the chagrin of teammates. “Karma’s a bitch, I guess. That’s what happens when you cut corners,” said Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil.

As if his life couldn’t get any worse, Marshall revealed during his interview that he cut himself shaving this morning.

The 8th-seeded Indiana Pacers have put up a surprisingly tough fight against the Chicago Bulls, pretty much winning the first game  99-104. In the second game, they again scored about as many points as the Bulls.

“I’m really pleased with how our team competed,” said Frank Vogel, who is practically their head coach. “If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”

The Pacers have played with a lot of heart, which has pleased announcers in the same way people smile when a dyslexic kid accidentally writes his numbers in the right order. People across the state of Indiana are applauding the effort of their almost-.500 team. Fans say it has made them feel better about being in a state nearly worth living in and basically having a job.

“I didn’t expect it to be much of a series,” admits Charles Barkley, who is virtually a genius if you change his IQ score. “But these feisty Pacers have put the ball in the hoop several times and have tried really hard.”

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Barkley added.

Basketball has been good to the state of Indiana in 2011, with the Butler Bulldogs essentially winning the college basketball championship for the second straight year, if you don’t count the final game.

EVANSTON –  Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically.

According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to have to change the basis of their program because of this lockout. “Our players aren’t going to have anywhere to go, so this whole ‘student athlete’ thing has to mean student, too. Our motto used to be ‘All football, no school;’ now it’s ‘Alabama: we can read!*’”

Players are now being forced to attend classes and maintain a 1.0 GPA, and it appears that other schools across the country are making similar changes. As the director of the University of Tennessee football program said, “They now have to be prepared for at least a minimum wage job when they graduate, since a multimillion dollar salary from the NFL is no longer guaranteed.”

Some schools, such as Indiana University, the University of Iowa, and many others in the South are finding it too hard to get their players to maintain that GPA and are having to close down their football programs altogether. “It’s real sad,” says one IU player, “football was, like, real fun. I’s gonna miss my friends.”

According to officials, Northwestern is the only school not affected by the new, stricter requirements. NU players may, in fact, be asked to skip class once in a while so that their GPAs will not be so much higher than the averages (or counting ranges) of competitors’ programs.

(*All students are required to recite this phrase in order to be admitted into the program to prove they are actually literate.)

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue.

“I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700 to spend the night here?”

The wheelbarrow also owns Park Place (but not boardwalk), St. James Place, and St. Charles Place. “He sure has a lot of places,” enviously remarked the thimble.

In addition, the wheelbarrow has not one, not two, but THREE of the four railroads. “I was sure excited when the dog accepted $200 and the electric company for the Short Line. Now I only need B&O Railroad and I’ll have the set!”

In a surprising twist of events, the wheelbarrow rolled a three, advancing from the Water Works to Pacific Avenue, part of a monopoly owned by the money bag. This reduced the wheelbarrow’s assets from $1300 to $25. “That’s ok!” said the wheelbarrow with a cool calmness only seen on entrepreneurs sure to succeed. “I’m about to pass go and collect $200. I mean, there is NO chance I’ll roll a three again next turn and visit the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and be forced into bankruptcy. It’s absolutely impossible.”

As the game entered its fourth straight hour, the racecar rolled doubles three times in a row and went to jail. “Guess I was speeding,” he remarked.

At press time, no winner has yet been reported.

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well.

Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last year as a 12 seed, Northwestern faced off against Stanford (#5) and lost 92-89. “While we appreciate the progress Morty has made in getting us into the tournament, we felt we needed to go in a different direction,” said President of the Board Bill Buckingham. “We are excited to bring in a proven leader and winner in Hosni to take us to the top.”

Mubarak has presided over Egypt for the past 30 years and has won four ACC titles (African Country Championships). He is known as a no-nonsense leader who will ensure that everyone is pulling his weight, or else. “We had been having preliminary discussions about this for a while with the Egyptians,” Buckingham said. “They were only willing to do the deal straight up, one for one, for weeks. But today they call and are willing to throw in a second round pick and cash. Strange.” There are rumors that NU will use its second round pick to improve its Student Affairs department which was one of the worst in the league this year.

The former Egyptian president is well known for his stingy “Emergency Law” defense which stifles the opposition. As a result, Northwestern’s leadership is confident that the university will perform much better under Mubarak. NU will ease the president into his new role with matchups against “cupcakes” Wisconsin and Iowa. But the competition gets much tougher in the tournament. “We have all the confidence in the world in Hosni,” Buckingham said. “As we all know, defense wins championships.”