CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years.

“It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.”

The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household names like star-crossed shortstop Starlin Castro and “mild-mannered” ace Carlos Zambrano, Chicago ended its season without making the playoffs.

“We’re looking for winners,” manager Mike Quade said after the San Diego Padres’ 9-2 victory over the Cubs to end the season. “We’re exploring all options to fill our roster. We will be actively looking for new starters at every position, and our recruiting process will begin with the crowd at the Ferris Bueller screening.”

No prior experience is necessary. Potential players interested in trying out, however, are encouraged to be able to recognize when the game is going on, swing and miss in clutch situations, and take out any aggression on future teammates.

“I think Ferris would be a great fit for the team,” self-proclaimed film “critic” and “Cubs fanatic” Armond Grossman proclaimed. “His sprint home at the end of the film? He’ll be good for 80, 90 stolen bases, easy.”

In other news, Red Sox fans tried to justify their marginal relevance to the baseball world by screening Fever Pitch at Fenway Park.

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team.

The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according to ESPN analyst Herman Edwards. “He can definitely build on this,” he added.

Upon hearing the rumor, Marshall was distraught. “It was like I was stabbed in the back, and then stabbed in the back again. I mean figuratively, of course; my wife actually stabbed me in the abdomen.”

Marshall has been a member of the Miami Dolphins for one season after being dismissed from the Denver Broncos. In Denver, he was known for cutting people in line and cutting out of practice early, to the chagrin of teammates. “Karma’s a bitch, I guess. That’s what happens when you cut corners,” said Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil.

As if his life couldn’t get any worse, Marshall revealed during his interview that he cut himself shaving this morning.

The 8th-seeded Indiana Pacers have put up a surprisingly tough fight against the Chicago Bulls, pretty much winning the first game  99-104. In the second game, they again scored about as many points as the Bulls.

“I’m really pleased with how our team competed,” said Frank Vogel, who is practically their head coach. “If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”

The Pacers have played with a lot of heart, which has pleased announcers in the same way people smile when a dyslexic kid accidentally writes his numbers in the right order. People across the state of Indiana are applauding the effort of their almost-.500 team. Fans say it has made them feel better about being in a state nearly worth living in and basically having a job.

“I didn’t expect it to be much of a series,” admits Charles Barkley, who is virtually a genius if you change his IQ score. “But these feisty Pacers have put the ball in the hoop several times and have tried really hard.”

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Barkley added.

Basketball has been good to the state of Indiana in 2011, with the Butler Bulldogs essentially winning the college basketball championship for the second straight year, if you don’t count the final game.

EVANSTON –  Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically.

According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to have to change the basis of their program because of this lockout. “Our players aren’t going to have anywhere to go, so this whole ‘student athlete’ thing has to mean student, too. Our motto used to be ‘All football, no school;’ now it’s ‘Alabama: we can read!*’”

Players are now being forced to attend classes and maintain a 1.0 GPA, and it appears that other schools across the country are making similar changes. As the director of the University of Tennessee football program said, “They now have to be prepared for at least a minimum wage job when they graduate, since a multimillion dollar salary from the NFL is no longer guaranteed.”

Some schools, such as Indiana University, the University of Iowa, and many others in the South are finding it too hard to get their players to maintain that GPA and are having to close down their football programs altogether. “It’s real sad,” says one IU player, “football was, like, real fun. I’s gonna miss my friends.”

According to officials, Northwestern is the only school not affected by the new, stricter requirements. NU players may, in fact, be asked to skip class once in a while so that their GPAs will not be so much higher than the averages (or counting ranges) of competitors’ programs.

(*All students are required to recite this phrase in order to be admitted into the program to prove they are actually literate.)

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue.

“I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700 to spend the night here?”

The wheelbarrow also owns Park Place (but not boardwalk), St. James Place, and St. Charles Place. “He sure has a lot of places,” enviously remarked the thimble.

In addition, the wheelbarrow has not one, not two, but THREE of the four railroads. “I was sure excited when the dog accepted $200 and the electric company for the Short Line. Now I only need B&O Railroad and I’ll have the set!”

In a surprising twist of events, the wheelbarrow rolled a three, advancing from the Water Works to Pacific Avenue, part of a monopoly owned by the money bag. This reduced the wheelbarrow’s assets from $1300 to $25. “That’s ok!” said the wheelbarrow with a cool calmness only seen on entrepreneurs sure to succeed. “I’m about to pass go and collect $200. I mean, there is NO chance I’ll roll a three again next turn and visit the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and be forced into bankruptcy. It’s absolutely impossible.”

As the game entered its fourth straight hour, the racecar rolled doubles three times in a row and went to jail. “Guess I was speeding,” he remarked.

At press time, no winner has yet been reported.

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well.

Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last year as a 12 seed, Northwestern faced off against Stanford (#5) and lost 92-89. “While we appreciate the progress Morty has made in getting us into the tournament, we felt we needed to go in a different direction,” said President of the Board Bill Buckingham. “We are excited to bring in a proven leader and winner in Hosni to take us to the top.”

Mubarak has presided over Egypt for the past 30 years and has won four ACC titles (African Country Championships). He is known as a no-nonsense leader who will ensure that everyone is pulling his weight, or else. “We had been having preliminary discussions about this for a while with the Egyptians,” Buckingham said. “They were only willing to do the deal straight up, one for one, for weeks. But today they call and are willing to throw in a second round pick and cash. Strange.” There are rumors that NU will use its second round pick to improve its Student Affairs department which was one of the worst in the league this year.

The former Egyptian president is well known for his stingy “Emergency Law” defense which stifles the opposition. As a result, Northwestern’s leadership is confident that the university will perform much better under Mubarak. NU will ease the president into his new role with matchups against “cupcakes” Wisconsin and Iowa. But the competition gets much tougher in the tournament. “We have all the confidence in the world in Hosni,” Buckingham said. “As we all know, defense wins championships.”

ARLINGTON, TX – Fans of football, proper vocalization, and the United States of America were astonished Sunday night when Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem at the 45th Super Bowl.

Thinking she made an honest mistake, many viewers have ridiculed and laughed at the singer for looking like a fool with her pants on the ground in front of the entire country. However, the Federal Bureau of Investigation does not seem to be laughing.

Flipside News Network had the opportunity had the opportunity to speak with an FBI official on the condition of anonymity.

“The Bureau simply does not buy this naïve notion that Miss Aguilera messed the National Anthem up by accident.  I mean, how many Americans could be that stupid?  Really?  The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically-based terrorist cell, likely made up of other washed-up celebrities.”

The FBI is currently investigating a theory that Aguilera was the sacrificial lamb in a terrorist plot to blow up the Super Bowl and destroy everyone inside.  By intentionally singing the National Anthem incorrectly, she would signal her accomplices flying above in stolen Navy F-18 fighters to drop their bombs and destroy the Cowboys Stadium.  Unfortunately, nobody seemed to have taken into account that the arena’s dome was closed.  According to the theory, the accomplices, unable to guarantee full destruction of the stadium and life inside it, aborted the mission and left Aguilera behind.

The top suspects to be Aguilera’s accomplices currently include Nelly, Jessica Simpson, Aaron Carter, Jewel, Axl Rose, Kevin Federline, Ozzy Osbourne, The Backstreet Boys and Pee Wee Herman.  This terrorist group calls itself the “C-List,” and its alleged members are often seen either performing at high school dances and other small events or starring in reality shows about their lives (as they perform at high school dances and other small events).  This attack may have been an attempt to remind the general public that these former stars still exist.

Christina Aguilera managed to escape the confines of the Super Bowl and evade the custody of the authorities.  She was last seen trying to fit herself into a genie bottle.

Take One: Joe Misulonas

10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live- Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way.

9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards.

8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this commercial better as “the one where they smashed the baby against a glass window!” Honestly, who’s the marketing genius who thought killing babies was a good way to sell vacation rentals?

7. “A Shore Thing” by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi- I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory.

6. Tunisia’s timing- Right when it looked like Tunisia was about to get it’s 15 minutes of fame, Egypt just had to overshadow them. It’s like Tunisia just got suspended from school and came home to tell his parents, only to find out Big Brother Egypt got indicted for manslaughter.

5. Internet runs out of IP Addresses- Does this mean I have to forward my emails to a P.O. Box?

4. Facebook going down at Northwestern- Northwestern students finally knew how it felt to live in Somalia, where the consequence for poking someone is execution.

3. Sputnik- Isn’t it amazing that Sarah Palin can take one of the great technological milestones of the 20th Century and make it overrated? I wonder if we’ll look back on anything or anyone in 50 years and wonder, “What was all that hype about?”

2. Christina Aguilera- Her new movie “Burlesque” answered the question, “If we take a
horrible movie and throw in a couple of divas, do you think we can still get a Golden Globe Nomination?” Her performance of the Star-Spangled Banner answered the question, “Is it possible to forget the words of the National Anthem even if it’s your 10,000th time performing it live?”

1. The condition of Charlie Sheen’s liver- This is, of course, assuming Charlie Sheen still in fact HAS a liver.

Take Two: Alex Finkelstein (sports-related)

10. 2011-2012 Cavaliers: unless they get an amazing draft pick, like the next Lebron James or something, doesn’t seem like things are going to get any better.

9. The Bad News Bears: Before Billy Bob Thornton saved the day, the situation was just bad news (bears).

8. Charlie Sheen’s Life Coach: Some of the worst coaching in the history of coaching.

7. Golf without Tiger: Crickets and birds chirp in the background.

6. XFL, WFL, CFL, USFL: remember these? Nope, therefore they must have been bad.

5. Chicago Cubs: At least they have a Championship title, even if it was before WWI.

4. The New York Islanders: There is nothing worse than being irrelevant.

3. 2008 Detroit Lions: Lost every single football game they played in 2008 after going 4 and 0 in the preseason. Gotta save some for the real games next time.

2. 1962 Mets: The worst team ever in one of the most boring sports to watch.

1. Cleveland Browns and Indians: If it wasn’t clear already, Cleveland sucks at sports.

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac.

According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans.

“Since we finally realized that the zodiac has become misaligned since the time of the Greeks, it was necessary to recalculate the horoscopes for our most important players,” reported Lovie.

Strelengelthop foresaw that Cutler, a former Taurus who is now an Aries, would have difficulties succeeding in important situations. She extrapolated this to mean that Cutler would choke eternally against the Bears’ archrival, the Packers.

Bears fans met this news with absolute disgust, especially with the Bears and the Packers vying in the NFC Championship on Sunday for a spot in the Superbowl. “I am absolutely disgusted,” said Ursula Loving of Wilmette. “Everyone knows that astrology is bunk anyways. My horoscope today said that I would be gravely disappointed after a minor pleasure, and that certainly isn’t going to happen. Hey, is that a twenty-dollar bill on the ground?”

The interview with Ursula was cut short when a nearby crane cable snapped, dropping a piano onto the now-late Bears fan.

However, Strelengelthop hinted that all hope is not lost for the Bears. “Brian Urlacher is now a Taurus, no longer a Gemini. I see greatness in store for him – more specifically, another ring on his fingers…a super ring…a bowl-shaped ring…no, a Super Bowl ring!”

Strelengelthop concluded, “It is hard to discover the mystery of the stars. Some Signs are more potent than others, and sometimes worldly events will affect the outcomes.”

The end of the press conference was delayed when a freak zoo escape (in which a ram mauled a bull) shut down several Chicago streets. As members of the Bears organization and reporters waited for the all-clear, Strelengelthop was heard on her cellphone, “I’d like to place a bet of $50,000 on the Packers.”