EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short.

Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment process. Some of the more prominent stats include the number of eating disorders induced, a calculated “bitchiness index,” cup size, skirt length, and tear count per hysterical outburst.

“Its just a really fun, intense game,” says FSL champion Jake DiMartin. “There’s nothing more addictive in the world. When I’m watching the girls line up outside Willard, every time I see a Freshman I drafted need to excuse herself to puke in some bushes, I think ‘Nice! 5 points!’”

Members of the Sorority system have very different opinions of the game than the players. As President of Kappa Gamma Alpha, Brenda Delome, put it, “Yea, statistics are nice, but it’s just not what the game’s about.”

When asked to comment on her franchise record of 547 judgmental stares last season, Delome commented “At the end of the day, these records and statistics are just numbers, and it can really hurt the team when they’re all you think about. All I really want to do is psychologically scar some people, and isn’t that what rushing’s all about?”

Recently, Indiana’s Republican-controlled legislature has moved to impose some of the strictest controls on abortion of any state in the nation. These measures are expected to pass with little real opposition and can only mean one thing for the rest of the country: more damn Hoosiers.

You know what this means. More rabid basketball fans chomping down on deep-fried pork products while somehow pretending to be Irish on a regular basis. More people who have actually been to Kokomo and Gary, Indiana, and have no qualms about ruining the songs by telling you about the bleak realities of such locales. More people who will spend surprising amounts of energy trying to convince you that there really is more than corn in Indiana. And, oh, God, more corn.

The Hoosiers have already spoiled the 38th-largest state in the union with their starchy diets and inability to properly pronounce names like “Versailles” and “Milan.” With the new legislation in place, the Hoosier population will grow exponentially, possibly spreading to other states to build ethanol plants and racetracks. Wildlife management officials in Illinois, Ohio, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Kentucky are now launching investigations into the spread of the population in the hopes of quickly determining if the Hoosier might become an invasive species.

CHICAGO—For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe.

What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.

Doesn’t it feel great to sit out by the rocks enjoying the sun while various couples make out around you because their love is too vast to be withheld inside and in private? I just wanted you to know how it feels so I can take added pleasure when I make it forty and raining next week. This is sadder than Kyle Rowley transferring from Northwestern.

You’re in my world now. If you don’t like it, you can move to Pandora. Oh, it doesn’t actually exist? That must make you clinically depressed.

There is nothing I enjoy more than giving you a taste of the good before I make it snow in April. Well, except for notifying the annoying census workers they will be jobless by the end of the year. That is something you can count on.