The earthquake that ravaged Chile this week has left millions of philanthropists confused. After contributing all their efforts to Haiti, people seem to have no charitable spunk left. After countless bakesales, Hulu ads, piggy-bank smashings, and illegal bootleggings for Haiti, people just don’t have any money left to give to Chile – or, for that matter, the desire to do so.

CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4 chile, donate now on our website” and “Chile is sooo the new Haiti.”

In spite of their efforts, the response has been lukewarm from evangelical Christians and bleeding-heart liberals alike.

“’NU Stands With Chile’ doesn’t really flow as well,” said Northwestern Haiti relief chair, Jacob Shmarts. “Plus, I heard the quake wasn’t even THAT bad, so it’s off our backs, right?”

The spirit that united the world when the earthquake hit Haiti has quickly dissolved, as has media coverage of the catastrophic event. Furthermore, recording artists spent all their creative energy on Haiti, so they have nothing to give to Chile.

“The re-recording of ‘We Are The World’ did a lot of great things for iTunes (and Haiti, too, I suppose), but now that Miley’s back on top, it will be hard for another philanthropic musical endeavor to be groundbreaking enough to show up on the charts.” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said.

Still, President Obama is inspiring Americans everywhere to think positively.

“My fellow Americans — I have been deeply moved by the compassion and drive I witnessed fueling the fundraising efforts a few short weeks ago when the quake hit Port-au-Prince. But, I am moved even deeper by your thoughts and prayers that go to Chile. I hope it means a lot to them.”

DETROIT – Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States.

In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a series of events that still remains unclear, the United States military came forward Tuesday and announced that Santa and his sleigh had been shot down by anti-aircraft artillery on December 24th.

According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot down the sleigh.

Speaking in a press conference for the first time since the incident, Santa stated, “I am not sure who made the final decision to shoot me down, but I have had a standing appointment on Christmas Eve for the past two thousand years. I don’t care that they’re Jewish, you can be sure that somebody is going to end up on my permanent naughty list.”

After the incident, Santa was allowed to continue the night’s operations using a plane on loan from the Air Force; however, due to the time lost in the incident, Santa was forced to accelerate his schedule and made the decision to skip Iraq, saying “they probably won’t even notice.” Spokesmen from the North Pole say it will be some time until the repairs will be completed on Santa’s sleigh, but assured Flipside reporters that the work will be completed in time for next Christmas.

WASHINGTON – What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood.

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”

CHUNKY, MISSISSIPPI- Two days ago, Mississippi six-year-old Eagle Bean decided he wanted to go on a balloon adventure. Bob Bean, Eagle’s father and US Army balloon warfare specialist, had designed a balloon spy drone with his wife that could be used to spy on terrorists. They had been working on the balloon in their backyard.

The large, white balloon, designed to appear conspicuous during night-time operations, had a small compartment to hold a camera and electrical wiring. Since the balloon was only in the design stage, however, the navigational technology had yet to be implemented, leaving the compartment empty with just enough space to fit a small child.

“We raised a smart one, I’ll tell ya,” said Bob. “Eagle saw that empty compartment and jumped right in. He even knew how to start ‘er up!” But these smarts had drastic consequences. The balloon started to rise and fly away from the Bean’s Mississippi farm. Eagle’s brother Buford was out playing with the family pigs, but as soon as he saw the balloon, he alerted his parents.

Bob immediately called 911 but to his surprise the operator started laughing at him. “Oldest trick in the book!” said 911 operator Abe Jones. “Those idiots in Colorado fell for the Balloon Boy trick, but not me!” Mississippi sheriff Leroy Black chimed in as well, “Us Mississippians know a hoax when we see one. There ain’t no boy in that balloon! Those Beans just want some damn attention.”

The balloon’s whereabouts were unknown as of this morning, since none of the Mississippi emergency services decided to follow it. Luckily, however, the balloon was shot down this afternoon in Nacogdoches, Texas by bird hunters who mistook the balloon for a dove. “We shot that thing down, but it turned out a lot bigger than we thought.” said hunter Rick Karney, laughing. “We opened the compartment and there was a sleeping kid inside!”

After they woke Eagle, the hunters learned the boy was from Mississippi and brought him to the police station. Eagle’s parents were ecstatic to hear the news that their son had been found. “We are just happy that Eagle has landed and is safe” said Bob.

JUNEAU, AK – Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule.

“The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson for HarperCollins, “but as the project moved along, we decided to take a closer look at the target audience, which led us to go back and do some extensive editing and re-writing.”

Tonne declined to comment on the changes, citing confidentiality agreements. In her typical fashion, however, Palin herself eagerly agreed to discuss the edits.
“We had to keep the readers in mind,” Palin said, “so we had to shoot for something, you know, less formal, that would really speak to all the Joe-the-Plumbers of this great country.”

According to Palin, the finished product is a 30-page long “workbook” which takes the reader through her experiences and beliefs. HarperCollins tapped esteemed children’s book illustrator William Joyce to draw the novel’s illustrations. Children’s magazine “Highlights” submitted color-by-numbers and “hidden pictures” exercises which explain Palin’s political and moral opinions to readers. One particular connect-the-dots page asks the reader to “Uncover the Secret Democrat Agenda;” the completed picture shows President Barack Obama aborting a third-trimester fetus with a hammer and sickle.

Palin attributes the memoir’s rapid ascension to the top of Amazon.com’s best-seller list and other sales charts to an extensive campaign promoting the its release.
“I gave speeches about the book at preschools and NASCAR events across the country,” Palin said. “The preschool audiences were especially receptive; I really connected with them.”

“Overall, I feel that this memoir will really resonate with my supporters,” Palin added. “Before, I had trouble writing captivating prose. Crayons help with that.”

WASHINGTON – The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.

Uses Money to Purchase “Carnaval”

COPENHAGEN – Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

WASHINGTON – Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a pandemic.

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”