POLICE: The reef. . .challenged you?

SCHETTINO: Si!  It’s like the other car at the stop sign.  It is supposed to stop, not me.

POLICE: Sir — you’re saying the reef should have moved for you?

SCHETTINO: Of course, again with the stupid questions!  I even honked at it.  And on top of all that, I think it said something about my mother!

POLICE: Again, sir, let me remind you that we’re talking about a reef here.

SCHETTINO: Basta!  I’ll call Mama; she’ll explain it to you.

When asked why he abandoned ship before all of the passengers had made it to safety, Schettino claimed that it was lunch time and he thought he smelled pasta on shore.  Formal charges are expected soon.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

Fearing the Pacific Ocean was attempting a coup, Kim began developing nuclear weapons in the 1990’s, eventually leading up to an active missile attack on the body of water in 2011, claiming that it was a “weapons test” gone awry. Over the next year, the leader developed his weapons using the latest advances in computer and Communist child labor technologies.

Believing that his arsenal is now ready for a full scale assault on the Pacific Ocean, Kim is threatening to use nuclear force unless the water withdraws immediately from North Korea. In response to the news of his threats, former U.S. Vice President and self-proclaimed Environmental Ambassador Al Gore reported “the threats against the Pacific Ocean . . . Kim Jong Il . . . global warming . . . America”.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuta also condemns the North Korean leader’s actions against the Pacific, having stated, “When Kim Jong Il fires his missiles into the ocean, all whales and dolphins will eventually be killed.” Fearing that his country will lose a valuable primetime spot on Discovery Channel’s hit show “Whale Wars”, Fukuta has asked the UN to intervene on Japan’s behalf. Meanwhile, the UN is still in deliberation about both why pictures of Kim Jong Il looking at things are so intriguing and whether they will let the United States intervene for them in yet another international conflict.

Scientists were quick to caution against unbridled enthusiasm, noting that while thermal imaging has identified possible sources of water just under the surface, probe results have indicated that the soil is an estimated 40% benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine) and 30% concentrated lead.

The new discovery has reinvigorated public fascination with the red-stained wasteland, the likes of which has not been seen since the science-fiction revival of the 2120s, when films such as The Sands of Mexico and The Angry Red Nation were blasted by critics for their poorly-implemented 3D effects, as well as their nonsensical stories, in which bloodthirsty “Mexicans” attempted to attack America.

Despite the influx of major discoveries over the past few years, many researchers believe that a manned mission to Mexico will remain an impossibility for the foreseeable future.

“The environment’s just too hostile,” explained EPA head Jeff Martin. “It would be a suicide mission. I know the public’s just aching to see man set foot on Mexico, but I must remind them that the last time we sent a team of researchers, in the 2070s, all five members of the crew were reported to have suffered spontaneous decapitation.”

The enigmatic robot has been shrouded in mystery since his date of programming, and many wild and varied reports of his creation have been brought forth in the hours since his death. Applian Fandomentalism, a maniacal cult dedicated to the worship of Apple computing products, was the first to widely recognize Ultra Jesus 3000 as a messianic figure, reminding many of AF’s rise to notoriety in the 2050s and 60s, when followers began seeing images of their mythical lord “The Almighty Jobs” on burnt pieces of toast and consumer electronics.

App-enthusiasts believe that Ultra Jesus 3000 was the result of an immaculate installation between The Almighty Jobs and a Mechanized Android RecYcling (MARY) unit on the Apple factory production line. As proof of Ultra Jesus 3000’s messianic capabilities, they point to many supposed miracles, including the miraculous debugging of virus-infested Windows-based robots, and the stunning conversion of DRM-protected .m4p files into MP3s.

Many others, however, do not accept Ultra Jesus 3000 as a viable messiah, pointing to a possible father figure, Apple employee Joey “Saint J” Bethlehem. A recovering addict and all-around degenerate, neighbors and close acquaintances say that they “would not be surprised” if Joey had been caught having sex with factory equipment again.

Apple Computers has announced a new line of robots to be produced in Ultra Jesus 3000’s image; titled Christ the Restarter, the full-size models will be fully functioning messiah-bots preprogrammed with all of Ultra Jesus 3000’s memories, beliefs, and mannerisms. The first complete unit is expected to rise in three days.

One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing at the top of the stairs, shouting ‘all power to Gaddafi!’ when he suddenly stopped. “’Or wait,’ I remember him saying, ‘is it GA-daffi or KHA-daffi with that hard throaty sound?’ As he contemplated this his legs began to wobble and we all began to worry for his safety.”

Al-Abgari claimed that he, along with Gaddafi’s other assistants, attempted to move in and steady their leader, but they failed when they too had to stop and contemplate the proper spelling of his name. “I was reading the New York Post the other day and they used ‘Khadafy,’” Al-Abgari remembers thinking, “and I had to ruminate about whether or not it was kosher to just substitute in the y at the end like that.”

Gaddafi finally lost his balance as he tripped over the symbols used in the written form of his name. “What is that squiggly thing over the second a in ‘Gaddafi,’” Al-Abgari remembers him saying, “and how do you pronounce the apostrophe in ‘Mu’ammahhaaaaaaaaahhoofowoofowuh—” Gaddafi could have been saved with immediate attention, but his aides were too busy attempting a Sporcle quiz that asked for every acceptable spelling of Gaddafi’s name and thus could not attend to their leader.

In other news, a Gaddafi sympathizer died of asphyxiation after the sounds of his choking were mistaken for a mourning cry of “Gaddafi!” and thus not given proper medical action.

Both sides were quick to claim victory following the exchange, and though I was refused an interview with Hamas officials, I witnessed much jubilant shouting and gunfire in Gaza, where released prisoners have been hailed as heroes, feted with gift bags of fertilizer and hydrogen peroxide.

“It’s time to get these men back to work!” one local explained merrily, playfully swinging gallon-jugs of bleach and ammonia. “The park is an absolute mess, and we need volunteers to clean it!”

In the border city of Ashdod, the mood was decidedly more somber as Talmud scholars held a summit on all that had transpired, seeking to provide solace to those left confused and scared by the day’s events.

“I really think we could’ve haggled it down to $3.49,” local grocer Moshe Rivlin cried tearfully. “How could our elected officials betray us like this?”

“Now, now, my friend, you’re looking at this the wrong way,” Reform rabbi Theodor Sharon exclaimed. “With their actions, Hamas has proved to the world their utter disregard for human life, even for their own soldiers! By equating 300 of their top men with a $4.99 fee, they’ve valued their own men as worth less than two cents each! The Palestinians will be outraged!” At this moment a new volley of gunfire and chanting could faintly be heard in the distance.

“Yes, they seem truly upset by this fact,” another rabbi observed.

“It is tragic how far Greece has fallen as a country. One day you’re on the cutting edge of research, inventing groundbreaking formulas involving triangles and circles, and the next you’re doing keg stands 7 nights a week at various clubs across the Euro-Russian border,” explained French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy.

Greece’s father, Zeus, has come to his son’s defense pleading that Greece “is a good kid” and “just needs time to find himself”. Zeus himself is recently coming off a scandal in which it was revealed he provided former USC running back Reggie Bush with an autographed 300 poster in exchange for front row seats to a Trojans football game.

Greece’s next court appearance will be October 24th, when the nation is expected to plead not guilty to grabbing Belgium’s ass in a local Denny’s. Rumors are spreading that neighboring Turkey is in talks to provide the bail in exchange for a free lifetime supply of gyros.

Typically known for his bold, outlandish outfits, Qaddafi has come to the realization that one possible way to avoid recognition is to remove all searingly bright, leopard-print and fur-trimmed outfits from his choice of attire.

In an official statement released from the Qaddafi camp, the fleeing dictator asserted, “I’ve enjoyed many a year with the title ‘Most oddly-dressed dictator’ – though good ole Kim-Jong Il certainly has given me a run for my money. However, I’ve decided that now is not the best time to go around looking like my crazy self.”

Unfortunately, this strategy will likely prove somewhat effective for the ruthless leader. Though the Libyan rebels have been successful in overtaking the vast majority of Tripoli and the rest of Libya, it is very possible that their goal of capturing Qaddafi and punishing him for his egregious human rights violations will prove much more difficult now that Qaddafi has managed to make himself appear like a normal-looking asshole.

A leader in the rebellion groaned, “We really thought our task wouldn’t be that terribly hard. With those ridiculous sunglasses and oddly patterned outfits, his entire being just screamed ‘insane dick.’ Now, only his demeanor and complete disregard for human rights point to his identity as an irrational despot.”

“Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,” said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration.  Specialized American forces have been looking in places throughout the Islamic world, such as Afghanistan and Iraq, and only recently did they discover the Pakistani nation.  Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan “hiding” slightly above the Indian subcontinent.  He also expressed that with this knowledge, a feeling of security will hopefully be restored to the American people.

The public version of the report will be edited before its final release.  For purposes of national security, some names of military officers and presidents are to remain anonymous.