The White House has announced plans to release the Department of Defense’s research that culminated in the military’s recent discovery of Pakistan.  According to the official statement, formerly classified reports outlining the search for the Islamic Republic of Pakistan will be publicly available from the Library of Congress by October 2011.  The papers illustrate the Department of Defense’s progress, and reveal the data that recently allowed our troops to finally pinpoint the elusive 300,000- square mile landmass in South Asia.

“Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,” said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration.  Specialized American forces have been looking in places throughout the Islamic world, such as Afghanistan and Iraq, and only recently did they discover the Pakistani nation.  Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan “hiding” slightly above the Indian subcontinent.  He also expressed that with this knowledge, a feeling of security will hopefully be restored to the American people.

The public version of the report will be edited before its final release.  For purposes of national security, some names of military officers and presidents are to remain anonymous.

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager.

I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc.

Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP!

Who am I, you might ask, to order you to cheer up? Well, America, allow me to tell you a bit about myself. My name is Aden Daar. I live in Somalia. But – perhaps statistics will be more illuminating. I live in a village of 1,000 people. The average size of a house is one room, and the average size of a room is 100 square feet. The average number of inhabitants per room is 12. The average number of calories consumed per week is 300. The average work week is 100 hours. And the average income is $0.

Sometimes I wonder why the government doesn’t help us, with welfare or a stimulus package or something. Then I remember – we have no government. My country is called a “failed state.” The highest government position the average Somali can hope to hold is “pirate.”

I work at a stone quarry. I bang stones with other stones to try to collect stones to sell to rich overlords as gravel for their lawns. I don’t really get paid. I’m supposed to, but I think my employer is dead. I’m not sure.

The commute is 30 miles. I wish I could drive but I don’t have a car, and even if I did have a car, there aren’t any gas stations. And even if there were gas stations, I’m sure there wouldn’t be any gas.

The Times article says you guys perceive your economy as getting worse. Well, let me close with this: at least you have an economy. Americans, it could always be worse.

Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family?

By Andrew Schneider

Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason Brits and Americans have come together to make this the Anglo-Saxon event of the year, at least until Keith Richards’s funeral (seriously, it can’t be much longer now).

Some people have told me they’re watching it for the “red carpet” beforehand; a parade of inbred dukes and earls who may be unaccustomed to daylight, but are quite confident in the fact that they’re better than you. And yes, Prince William may be one of the “good ones”, but let’s not forget brother Harry, the Nazi-dressing, Pakistani-bashing prince. He may seem more redneck than royalty, but remember, folks, there’s about equal levels of inbreeding and incest in both.

And the Brits eat this shit up! They pamper these freaks, getting nothing in return, but rather than go all Bastille Day on their asses, they giggle merrily and talk about how “romantic” it all is! The only question I can ask is: why?

I Dunno, Why Do You Jews Love Circumcision?

By Harry, Prince of Wales

Believe it or not, tradition counts for something, right? People try to uphold the ideals that their parents and ancestors held dear, and even fought for, but maybe you’re on to something. Maybe the monarchy is just a vestigial tail on the body of Britain, and it’s time to slice ‘er up like a Jewish wang. Keep in mind, I never asked to be prince! Why do you think I’ve tried so hard to make the public hate me? Two years ago, I called one of my Pakistani soldiers a “raghead”, and now I’m a bloody Captain? They actually let me fly an Apache, despite my record as a pot-head, all because it reminds them of my grand-daddy!

You love to rag on us whenever we mess up, and maybe we haven’t had the proper exposure to other cultures, but you really can’t blame us for that! After our mom passed on, it was you people who tried so hard to keep my siblings and I sheltered, but then we were sprung onto the scene without any sort of real preparation! I didn’t even have my own press secretary until I was sixteen! How could you expect me to not smoke pot and dress like a Nazi?

So, no, I can’t tell you why they love us, but who are you to go around telling people what they can or can’t enjoy? You vulgar American; it’s so easy for you to judge while you go around lopping dicks off. Fuckin’ savage; you make me sick.

Terribly sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

TOKYO -  In recent years, Japan has fallen prey to a horrific sequence of natural disasters: first an earthquake, then a tsunami, then the nuclear reactor near-meltdown that spawned a real life Godzilla. It was only a matter of time until Hollywood would decide to take the tragic story and use it to tug at the world’s heartstrings.

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than America’s most beloved filmmaker and Renaissance man, Michael Bay?  That’s right: sources indicate that Michael Bay is already hard at work with his latest epic, Japan: The Movie.

Early rumors suggested that this project would actually be Bay’s third installment of Bad Boys.  In it, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence would reprise their roles in the landmark Academy Award winning series, wherein they would chase drug dealing intergalactic transforming robots to Japan to stop a deal with a major Yakuza gang.  Jackie Chan had agreed to play a co-starring role.  Unfortunately, Martin Lawrence was already working on another Big Momma’s House sequel, and was unavailable.  Will Smith refused to sign on without his “artistic muse,” Lawrence, and so Bad Boys III: Black and Yellow was scrapped.

Despite these major setbacks, Sir Bay decided to continue plans for a Japanese project.  As of last week, Japan: The Movie has already completed filming and is now in post-production, despite the fact that writers have only written two pages of screenplay.  In an exclusive interview with The Northwestern Flipside, he had this to say:

“Yeah, I figured that what I want to express really transcends anything that can be written down.  I want to show the hardship that every Chinaman in Japan has to go through every day.  That’s why I mostly skipped plot and characters and pretty much jumped directly to the special effects.”

Despite claiming that his film will be full of more chaos and destruction than a Middle Eastern country during election season, the visionary director did leave some space for plot development.  He seems particularly excited about a more dramatic and sensitive scene in which Optimus Prime, in a supporting role as a single father of three struggling with radiation-induced testicular problems, declares, “REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS,” before blowing a nuclear reactor to dust with a plasma cannon.  Prime is already receiving Oscar buzz for his portrayal.

TRIPOLI – Rebels fighting against the oppressive regime of Muammar Gaddafi in Libya rejoiced in the streets after learning that Barack Obama had signed executive order “Hydro Cannon,” allowing the brave insurgency to arm itself with the latest line of NERF Super Soaker water guns.

“At last,” the unnamed rebel leader told The Flipside, “This is a gift from Allah. Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule; my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.” The leader could not answer any more questions, as he had to go plan Operation Goody Bag.

Tripoli resident Hassan Ahmed shared a similar viewpoint. “We will make Gaddafi tremble as his army slips and slides. It will rain blood…and also jets of water from NERF’s new Thunderstorm line, now with easy loading action!”

Some rebels are not pleased with the US government’s actions. “So this is how they try to placate us,” argued Abbas Mohammed of Misrata. “If the US really cared about the Libyan people, we would be receiving the NERF Tornado Strike with rotating barrel for ultimate wetness.” But the outdated nature of the Thunderstorm line wasn’t Mohammed’s only problem. “How does Obama expect us to have the self-control necessary to turn this magic water fountain on our enemies?” To wit, he gestured around him, where many insurgents had already begun shooting jets of water into their own parched mouths.

Despite the drawbacks, this action has reportedly shaken Gaddafi. A source close to the Libyan leader reported that he had been seen crying in his room, screaming the words “I wanted a Super Soaker, too! Wahh!”

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.  The senators have all unanimously agreed that losing their primary source of coitus means that they have a right to find mistresses, instead.

Flipside was able to speak to Senator Hansel Brigmiester.  [The following has been translated into English]  ”If our women refuse to satisfy us in our quest to create the longest and least important governmental deadlock in history, then we have no choice but to turn to our mistresses.  We believe that our wives have crossed a line.  Clearly, the only reason we have wives is sex.  We couldn’t possibly give a care about the companionship, tax write offs, ability to start a family, or even just having someone to hold at night.”

As a result of the strike, women all across the world have discovered that they, too, can withhold sex from their spouses or boyfriends.  Beth Harper (class 2012) spole with the Flipside: “My boyfriend Mike wasn’t going to to see Burlesque with me, so I went on a sex strike.  He saw it with me the next day. Thanks, Ms. Temmerman; you’re an inspiration to us all.”

Ms. Temmerman has just announced that if the sex strike fails to force the Belgium senators out of deadlock, the women are prepared to stop making sandwiches for their husbands as well.

The Flipside thanks Kyle Ward for pointing out a grammatical error.

It has been a tough decade for journalists. Many have had to take up second jobs as teachers or bloggers to make a living. In 2010, however, the Journalist Organization for Better Standing (JOBS), decided to do something about it.

“We held a think tank meeting at a Starbucks,” said JOBS president Joseph Medill. “It was there that Rudy [Murdoch] came up with what has been a game-changing decision for us: overthrow the Tunisian government and send the whole world into chaos.”

“The higher gas prices and occasional government dissolution into dictatorship is a small price to pay for increased circulation,” Medill adds.

Journalists admit to trying lots of different tactics to save their field from dying a slow, bloody death that is leaving students of the profession with nothing but insurmountable, toxic debt. They tried using Twitter, selling drugs, offering to take the contract on Michael Bay’s head, and even writing more compelling articles.

None of that seemed to make a difference. It was almost as if people did not care about journalism.

Yet since the world has fallen into shambles, things seem to be looking up for journalists. Aspiring journalists, like unemployed Missouri graduate Tara Gracer, are trying to help out in any way they can.

“It’s about doing the little things, like forwarding some confidential information to Jules [Assange]” Gracer said. “If I can start a race riot in Seattle or cut Tom Brady’s hair while he is sleeping, it would really make a difference for some struggling journalists out there.”

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well.

Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last year as a 12 seed, Northwestern faced off against Stanford (#5) and lost 92-89. “While we appreciate the progress Morty has made in getting us into the tournament, we felt we needed to go in a different direction,” said President of the Board Bill Buckingham. “We are excited to bring in a proven leader and winner in Hosni to take us to the top.”

Mubarak has presided over Egypt for the past 30 years and has won four ACC titles (African Country Championships). He is known as a no-nonsense leader who will ensure that everyone is pulling his weight, or else. “We had been having preliminary discussions about this for a while with the Egyptians,” Buckingham said. “They were only willing to do the deal straight up, one for one, for weeks. But today they call and are willing to throw in a second round pick and cash. Strange.” There are rumors that NU will use its second round pick to improve its Student Affairs department which was one of the worst in the league this year.

The former Egyptian president is well known for his stingy “Emergency Law” defense which stifles the opposition. As a result, Northwestern’s leadership is confident that the university will perform much better under Mubarak. NU will ease the president into his new role with matchups against “cupcakes” Wisconsin and Iowa. But the competition gets much tougher in the tournament. “We have all the confidence in the world in Hosni,” Buckingham said. “As we all know, defense wins championships.”

DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha, authorities are stepping things up.

Ahmed Shareef, the student government Emir, has filed grievances against the city of Doha. In the report, he argues that Ishmael, one of the fathers of the Islamic faith, was born to a concubine; thus, harems are a tradition that must be kept intact. He goes on to call harems “an essential part of the NU Qatar community.”

According to Assistant Dean of Student Affairs Debra Wood, students should obey the ordinance and not cause trouble. “This is a good opportunity to find housing in other nations and branch out a little bit.” She adds, “It’s not a problem that many more students will have to take camels to school.”

Although enforcement is not expected to take effect until next year, students and their wives are already looking for ways around the plan. One suggested course of action to all of the young sheiks is to not be legally marry one of their wives — if authorities start asking questions, students are advised to disguise their wives as cleaning staff.

After all of the bickering, the situation was finally brought to the attention of Dean John Margolis, who was busy on a fundraising trip in Dubai. He claims that he will do everything he can to support the students and end enforcement of the harem law, including bribing officials if necessary. “It should work” he said. “I mean, that’s how we won the World Cup bid for 2022.”