Uses Money to Purchase “Carnaval”

COPENHAGEN – Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

WASHINGTON – Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a pandemic.

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”

WASHINGTON – After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose. When pressed for more information on the subject matter, President Obama replied, “It is important that we show the American people that we are deadly serious about this piracy problem, and what better place to start than the three most illustrious pirates in America?” The Flipside attempted to contact Depp when this news came out, but it turned out that had fled the country to the Cayman Islands. There, we believe that he plans to rendezvous with the rest of his crew and begin “to terrorize innocent people just trying to make a living.” The Flipside was able to contact Knightly, and she told us that Bloom wouldn’t be seen for another ten years due to his “work.” She, herself, has decided to join up with Depp, making all of President Obama’s claims to appear to be true.

SEOUL – A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.”

The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled over the Pacific. North Korea’s President, Kim Jong-Il, was exuberant regarding the success of the rocket, but admits it could have gone better. He hopes to give a non-Fisher-Price rocket a try in the coming months.

The rocket was North Korea’s third consecutive “successful” missile launch. One month ago, North Korean leaders experimented with the Fisher-Price “Little Einstein” rockets, tossing them around their backyard with looks of glee on their faces. Two weeks prior, North Korean army officers tested the nation’s first stomp rocket, later declaring the launch “a complete and total success, and fun too! Now the western world will truly pay.”

Western powers, specifically the United States and Great Britain, seemed not at all worried about North Korea’s capabilities. “They launched a toy rocket?” asked U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, “That’s cute. I did that with my 10-year old nephew last week.” President Barack Obama was similarly nonplussed. “I think I’ll launch an ICBM at Iraq, you know, just to prove to North Korea that we can launch stuff way farther than they can. Yeah, pissing them off doesn’t seem like it would be much of a problem.”

North Korea’s short term rocket tests are far from over. Next week, they will attempt to launch a high school rocketry project high over the Yellow Sea. After that, they have big long-term plans: potentially launching a real firecracker into the night sky over Pyongyang before moving past the Fisher-Price brand.

CHICAGO – The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags.

Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It will pay off in the long run.”

Daley’s plan was to showcase the city from its beginning, while staying away from “certain areas.” The tour started with some of the buildings that survived the Great Chicago Fire and continued downtown. The group proceeded to look at many of Chicago’s sports and theater venues before heading north.

The IOC was scheduled to see Wrigleyville on Sunday. The group, however, insisted that it had yet to see what Chicago’s south side had to offer. “I did everything I could to persuade them that seeing that side of town was unnecessary,” noted Daley. “They insisted…unfortunately.”

The committee members arrived on Chicago’s south side in the early afternoon and were on their respective planes by the early evening. “We saw a lot of things,” said one IOC member. “Really, too many things. Lots of despair and, well, sadness. I can’t have the entire Olympic community, the world for that matter, frolicking in these streets. 2016 isn’t happening in Chicago, that’s for sure.”

Mayor Daley plans to annex the south side of Chicago to the state of Indiana. Hopefully, says Daley, Chicago will be half as big and then that half will get to host the Olympics. Legislation is currently underway.

BOULDER JUNCTION, WI- In what is being called revolutionary and ground-breaking news around the country, the simple couple from Boulder Junction, Wisconsin, Mary and Timothy Dawson, have high hopes that they will adopt a highway.

The Dawson’s had been trying to have a child for the past three years, but it just wasn’t working. “We went to our doctor,” Mary said, “and he told us we were going to have to look at other options. He suggested possible sperm donation, or adopting a child, but none of these were for us.”

Timothy Dawson was insistent that, “we do it right,” and he wanted their parenting experience to be all it should be.

I asked the Dawson’s, as an inquisitive reporter, the obvious question: What led you to adopt a highway?
“Well, Flagstaff,” Mary said as she became starry-eyed, “it was more of a split second decision. Timmy and I were driving down I-77 and we saw the adopt-a-highway sign and we knew. It’s one of those intuitive things that’s too hard to explain.”

“I think we picked him because he was so cute,” Tim Dawson said. “He has these nice curves and beautiful forests surrounding him. I’m not saying he’s not rough around the edges (aren’t we all),” he chuckled, “I mean there’s the industrial plant here and there, but on the whole he is just a wonderful thing.”

The Dawson’s have been very influential in the upbringing of their highway. They have been to private traffic school on many occasions to make sure that they give only the best to their adopted-son, who they call Ronny.

“We try to be with him every day. We really stress the importance of hygiene and cleanliness, but for some reason he always seems to have garbage and bottles all over his room,” Mary said. “Kids these days.”

The adoption papers are still underway, but the Dawson’s are very happy with their adopted highway. “So far, it’s really all we hoped it would be, and so much more,” said Mary. “I couldn’t have asked for a better part of I-77.”