Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family?

By Andrew Schneider

Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason Brits and Americans have come together to make this the Anglo-Saxon event of the year, at least until Keith Richards’s funeral (seriously, it can’t be much longer now).

Some people have told me they’re watching it for the “red carpet” beforehand; a parade of inbred dukes and earls who may be unaccustomed to daylight, but are quite confident in the fact that they’re better than you. And yes, Prince William may be one of the “good ones”, but let’s not forget brother Harry, the Nazi-dressing, Pakistani-bashing prince. He may seem more redneck than royalty, but remember, folks, there’s about equal levels of inbreeding and incest in both.

And the Brits eat this shit up! They pamper these freaks, getting nothing in return, but rather than go all Bastille Day on their asses, they giggle merrily and talk about how “romantic” it all is! The only question I can ask is: why?

I Dunno, Why Do You Jews Love Circumcision?

By Harry, Prince of Wales

Believe it or not, tradition counts for something, right? People try to uphold the ideals that their parents and ancestors held dear, and even fought for, but maybe you’re on to something. Maybe the monarchy is just a vestigial tail on the body of Britain, and it’s time to slice ‘er up like a Jewish wang. Keep in mind, I never asked to be prince! Why do you think I’ve tried so hard to make the public hate me? Two years ago, I called one of my Pakistani soldiers a “raghead”, and now I’m a bloody Captain? They actually let me fly an Apache, despite my record as a pot-head, all because it reminds them of my grand-daddy!

You love to rag on us whenever we mess up, and maybe we haven’t had the proper exposure to other cultures, but you really can’t blame us for that! After our mom passed on, it was you people who tried so hard to keep my siblings and I sheltered, but then we were sprung onto the scene without any sort of real preparation! I didn’t even have my own press secretary until I was sixteen! How could you expect me to not smoke pot and dress like a Nazi?

So, no, I can’t tell you why they love us, but who are you to go around telling people what they can or can’t enjoy? You vulgar American; it’s so easy for you to judge while you go around lopping dicks off. Fuckin’ savage; you make me sick.

Terribly sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

TOKYO -  In recent years, Japan has fallen prey to a horrific sequence of natural disasters: first an earthquake, then a tsunami, then the nuclear reactor near-meltdown that spawned a real life Godzilla. It was only a matter of time until Hollywood would decide to take the tragic story and use it to tug at the world’s heartstrings.

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than America’s most beloved filmmaker and Renaissance man, Michael Bay?  That’s right: sources indicate that Michael Bay is already hard at work with his latest epic, Japan: The Movie.

Early rumors suggested that this project would actually be Bay’s third installment of Bad Boys.  In it, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence would reprise their roles in the landmark Academy Award winning series, wherein they would chase drug dealing intergalactic transforming robots to Japan to stop a deal with a major Yakuza gang.  Jackie Chan had agreed to play a co-starring role.  Unfortunately, Martin Lawrence was already working on another Big Momma’s House sequel, and was unavailable.  Will Smith refused to sign on without his “artistic muse,” Lawrence, and so Bad Boys III: Black and Yellow was scrapped.

Despite these major setbacks, Sir Bay decided to continue plans for a Japanese project.  As of last week, Japan: The Movie has already completed filming and is now in post-production, despite the fact that writers have only written two pages of screenplay.  In an exclusive interview with The Northwestern Flipside, he had this to say:

“Yeah, I figured that what I want to express really transcends anything that can be written down.  I want to show the hardship that every Chinaman in Japan has to go through every day.  That’s why I mostly skipped plot and characters and pretty much jumped directly to the special effects.”

Despite claiming that his film will be full of more chaos and destruction than a Middle Eastern country during election season, the visionary director did leave some space for plot development.  He seems particularly excited about a more dramatic and sensitive scene in which Optimus Prime, in a supporting role as a single father of three struggling with radiation-induced testicular problems, declares, “REPRODUCTIVE CAPACITY IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS,” before blowing a nuclear reactor to dust with a plasma cannon.  Prime is already receiving Oscar buzz for his portrayal.

TRIPOLI – Rebels fighting against the oppressive regime of Muammar Gaddafi in Libya rejoiced in the streets after learning that Barack Obama had signed executive order “Hydro Cannon,” allowing the brave insurgency to arm itself with the latest line of NERF Super Soaker water guns.

“At last,” the unnamed rebel leader told The Flipside, “This is a gift from Allah. Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule; my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.” The leader could not answer any more questions, as he had to go plan Operation Goody Bag.

Tripoli resident Hassan Ahmed shared a similar viewpoint. “We will make Gaddafi tremble as his army slips and slides. It will rain blood…and also jets of water from NERF’s new Thunderstorm line, now with easy loading action!”

Some rebels are not pleased with the US government’s actions. “So this is how they try to placate us,” argued Abbas Mohammed of Misrata. “If the US really cared about the Libyan people, we would be receiving the NERF Tornado Strike with rotating barrel for ultimate wetness.” But the outdated nature of the Thunderstorm line wasn’t Mohammed’s only problem. “How does Obama expect us to have the self-control necessary to turn this magic water fountain on our enemies?” To wit, he gestured around him, where many insurgents had already begun shooting jets of water into their own parched mouths.

Despite the drawbacks, this action has reportedly shaken Gaddafi. A source close to the Libyan leader reported that he had been seen crying in his room, screaming the words “I wanted a Super Soaker, too! Wahh!”

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.  The senators have all unanimously agreed that losing their primary source of coitus means that they have a right to find mistresses, instead.

Flipside was able to speak to Senator Hansel Brigmiester.  [The following has been translated into English]  ”If our women refuse to satisfy us in our quest to create the longest and least important governmental deadlock in history, then we have no choice but to turn to our mistresses.  We believe that our wives have crossed a line.  Clearly, the only reason we have wives is sex.  We couldn’t possibly give a care about the companionship, tax write offs, ability to start a family, or even just having someone to hold at night.”

As a result of the strike, women all across the world have discovered that they, too, can withhold sex from their spouses or boyfriends.  Beth Harper (class 2012) spole with the Flipside: “My boyfriend Mike wasn’t going to to see Burlesque with me, so I went on a sex strike.  He saw it with me the next day. Thanks, Ms. Temmerman; you’re an inspiration to us all.”

Ms. Temmerman has just announced that if the sex strike fails to force the Belgium senators out of deadlock, the women are prepared to stop making sandwiches for their husbands as well.

The Flipside thanks Kyle Ward for pointing out a grammatical error.

It has been a tough decade for journalists. Many have had to take up second jobs as teachers or bloggers to make a living. In 2010, however, the Journalist Organization for Better Standing (JOBS), decided to do something about it.

“We held a think tank meeting at a Starbucks,” said JOBS president Joseph Medill. “It was there that Rudy [Murdoch] came up with what has been a game-changing decision for us: overthrow the Tunisian government and send the whole world into chaos.”

“The higher gas prices and occasional government dissolution into dictatorship is a small price to pay for increased circulation,” Medill adds.

Journalists admit to trying lots of different tactics to save their field from dying a slow, bloody death that is leaving students of the profession with nothing but insurmountable, toxic debt. They tried using Twitter, selling drugs, offering to take the contract on Michael Bay’s head, and even writing more compelling articles.

None of that seemed to make a difference. It was almost as if people did not care about journalism.

Yet since the world has fallen into shambles, things seem to be looking up for journalists. Aspiring journalists, like unemployed Missouri graduate Tara Gracer, are trying to help out in any way they can.

“It’s about doing the little things, like forwarding some confidential information to Jules [Assange]” Gracer said. “If I can start a race riot in Seattle or cut Tom Brady’s hair while he is sleeping, it would really make a difference for some struggling journalists out there.”

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well.

Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last year as a 12 seed, Northwestern faced off against Stanford (#5) and lost 92-89. “While we appreciate the progress Morty has made in getting us into the tournament, we felt we needed to go in a different direction,” said President of the Board Bill Buckingham. “We are excited to bring in a proven leader and winner in Hosni to take us to the top.”

Mubarak has presided over Egypt for the past 30 years and has won four ACC titles (African Country Championships). He is known as a no-nonsense leader who will ensure that everyone is pulling his weight, or else. “We had been having preliminary discussions about this for a while with the Egyptians,” Buckingham said. “They were only willing to do the deal straight up, one for one, for weeks. But today they call and are willing to throw in a second round pick and cash. Strange.” There are rumors that NU will use its second round pick to improve its Student Affairs department which was one of the worst in the league this year.

The former Egyptian president is well known for his stingy “Emergency Law” defense which stifles the opposition. As a result, Northwestern’s leadership is confident that the university will perform much better under Mubarak. NU will ease the president into his new role with matchups against “cupcakes” Wisconsin and Iowa. But the competition gets much tougher in the tournament. “We have all the confidence in the world in Hosni,” Buckingham said. “As we all know, defense wins championships.”

DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha, authorities are stepping things up.

Ahmed Shareef, the student government Emir, has filed grievances against the city of Doha. In the report, he argues that Ishmael, one of the fathers of the Islamic faith, was born to a concubine; thus, harems are a tradition that must be kept intact. He goes on to call harems “an essential part of the NU Qatar community.”

According to Assistant Dean of Student Affairs Debra Wood, students should obey the ordinance and not cause trouble. “This is a good opportunity to find housing in other nations and branch out a little bit.” She adds, “It’s not a problem that many more students will have to take camels to school.”

Although enforcement is not expected to take effect until next year, students and their wives are already looking for ways around the plan. One suggested course of action to all of the young sheiks is to not be legally marry one of their wives — if authorities start asking questions, students are advised to disguise their wives as cleaning staff.

After all of the bickering, the situation was finally brought to the attention of Dean John Margolis, who was busy on a fundraising trip in Dubai. He claims that he will do everything he can to support the students and end enforcement of the harem law, including bribing officials if necessary. “It should work” he said. “I mean, that’s how we won the World Cup bid for 2022.”

TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings.

The new campaign, spearheaded by New York advertising agency Goldberg and Sons, LLC, depicts a group of handsome young Al-Qaeda enforcers enjoying a drive through a crowded Baghdad market on a sunny day. The three men are laughing joyfully while the driver reaches for his phone; he carefully types out a message: DEATH 2 INFIDLZ. The car explodes in a fiery burst of shrapnel moments later.

The camera pans out to reveal that the men are not in a busy marketplace, however, and the fireball has singed only an abandoned stretch of highway; not a single civilian has been harmed.

Text gradually appears across the screen:

They were only two minutes away. Their deaths could have been glorious. But they didn’t even kill a single Shi’ite. Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait.

“Oh, the ad’s done wonders, but we’ve still got a lot of work ahead of us,” CEO Ben Goldberg stated from his chic Manhattan office. “You’d think the bastards could stop sexting for five minutes, considering that Allah’s about to give ‘em their 72 virgins.”

“But they say to each other, ‘Oh, hey, maybe we should chat up that sexy gal in the burqua- You know the one; we beheaded her brother yesterday, remember?’ Of course, they forget that the father sliced her arm off to get them her SIM card, so they hit send, and BAM! Quite a way to get your rocks off.”

Once the current PSA is out of rotation, Al-Qaeda has prepared a second advert to take its place, Don’t Make Us Kill Your Mother, but it is not likely going to be needed; ever since the original ad began running on Al-Jazeera, experts have noted a considerable increase in accidents behind the wheel.

NASHVILLE – Located just outside the Tennessee capitol, the school board of the Lakewood Children’s Institute reached a decision this Wednesday to ban all copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from its premises. The administration found itself in this situation due to a long list of complaints from teachers and parents claiming that students frequently misread the book’s title and pronounced “the F-bomb” instead. Considering that Lakewood Children’s Institute teaches exclusively illiterate and dyslexic children, evidently this happened quite often.

Linda Madison, a respected teacher at the institute, describes the annual phenomenon of distributing copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn among her fourth grade English students. “As part of our curriculum, we encourage the students to try reading any text they encounter. Kids here are taught to read in a loud and clear voice, to help boost their literacy skills,” explains Madison. “So the moment they get their hands on Huck Finn, someone will inevitably commit a spoonerism and end up accidentally saying the F-word. Next thing you know, they’re all cursing at the top of their lungs, and half of them don’t even realize it.”

Madison has been working at the Lakewood Children’s Institute for over ten years. “Needless to say, it’s quite stressful. I’m just glad to be finally rid of this Huck Finn madness,” she says before stuffing copies of Mark Twain’s work of classic American literature into a large garbage can.

According to the notes recorded by Lakewood’s school board, the administration voted almost unanimously to censor The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The notes suggest that a majority of the faculty favored the decision to ban the book over alternative solutions, such as actually teaching the students to read correctly.

LOS ANGELES – In a recent Pew research poll, 73% of American citizens cite new TSA search regulations as invasive and unnecessary, but found an overwhelming 98% of males polled are “strongly in favor” of the pat down option, as long as the officer is female.

While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In fact, they weren’t just comfortable with it, men are almost universally insisting on female pat downs,” said Andrew Kohut, president of the Pew Research Center.

“I recognize the dire need for increased security, so I’ll do whatever it takes to protect our safety if it’s a girl,” said traveler Luke Spangler, before heading into the security line at LAX. “I can’t see – is she hot? Sorry, what were you asking?”

Despite the vast response from males, the study found the preference for women held true across the board, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. “It doesn’t matter who you are,” said Mr. Kohut, “nobody wants some dude touching their stuff; just…no.”