EVANSTON – After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers.

The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of sonar communication was a student texting on a cell phone in the third row.

The plot of the show was so deep that no dolphin in their right mind would ever swim in waters of that depth. It seemed that there was no way to tell the porpoise of any of the action and the story was too difficult to wade in. Not to go overboard on the nautical measurement metaphors, but this show was leagues below what I expected. The main character was always sad; dolphins do not like to see dark drama, instead preferring light comedy such as the wildly imaginative sketch involving a seal with a beach ball on its nose.

Next time I go to a dolphin show, I think I will just stick with Sea World. Shamu and his dolphin friends have never failed to impress.