The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how many bazillions of dollars he has. However, it came as no surprise when he purchased the Pacific Island nation; with a GDP of only $36 million, the mystery purchaser was easily able to afford it.

Foreign Relations analysts can only speculate what the purchaser will do with his new nation. Gordon Gordonson of the BBC commented, “All we know is that he likes ‘The Scream.’ He likes art, so maybe he’ll turn Tuvalu into an art gallery. He likes screaming, so maybe he’ll order the Tuvaluans to yell at him. And honestly, anyone who spends that kind of money for ‘The Scream’ must be kind of angsty, so it’s my bet that he’ll turn the nation into a human safari, like in ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ by Richard Connell.”

Tuvaluans are for the most part happy about the purchase. Governor General Iakoba Italeli said in an exclusive interview with The Flipside, “Despite being an independent nation since 1978, we still submit to the God-blessed authority of Her Majesty Elizabeth II. As Governor General, I perform the duties of the Queen in her absence. Which is always, because she never comes here. God save the Queen.”

Italeli is therefore excited to submit to the rule of the unknown purchaser. “I hope it’s Mitt Romney,” said Italeli. “He’s so handsome, he seems like a nice guy, and he’d totally buy a nation. Things aren’t looking too good for him in the American election.”

Since no one ever lies on Facebook, Zuckerberg predicts that user profiles will be a 100% universal and reliable tool for surgeons to make organ donor matches as early as next year. Some hospitals, however, have begun to use the feature already, and almost-doctor Mark Thompson of the completely legitimate St. Bernie’s Hospital in Beulah, Mississippi says he made his first patient-donor match earlier this week.

“This drunk fella came in earlier complainin’ a’ stomach-cramps, and I was pretty sure he needed a new liver. All I had to do was a little searchin’ in the Beulah High School network, and I saw that right under ‘Religious Views: Pastafarian’ on Jimmy Creevey’s profile, it said ‘Type A, Organ Donor.’ I asked him if he’d be willin’ to give up some liver on Facebook chat and it was a done deal.”

Almost-Dr. Thompson went on to explain that his patient was relieved to know that not only did the donor have the right blood type, but that he was also “fun guy,” having seen pictures of Creevey doing a beer-bong from the second story of a barn at Timmy Hatfield’s party last Friday.

Some users, though, have had a less pleasant experience with the donor-request process. Tammy Marquette, a high school student from Columbus, Ohio, was initially a fan of the feature after getting “like omg, over fifty likes!” on her organ donor status update. However, she says she became a little unsettled after receiving friend requests from several older men hoping to evaluate her as a possible kidney-donating candidate for a young relative.

“Normally I would have thought they were creepers, but omg the grandchild thing was so sad! One guy messaged me to say that he really needed me to make my ‘Sweet 16 Pool Party!’ album public so he could complete his evaluation though, which my friends agree is totally sketch.”

Many investors viewed the “organ donor” app as an attempt by Zuckerberg to add value to the Facebook stock before its upcoming IPO. Proponents, meanwhile, applauded Zuckerberg’s efforts to legitimize a website whose current most popular use is the sharing of cat videos.

Critics, however, pointed out that the feature may be “really weird,” and “totally unnecessary,” and many raised concerns about the fact that after 30 days, users who don’t select an organ donor status are automatically made “brain donors.” Hearing this feedback, Zuckerberg became twitchy and blurted out, “no, I’m definitely not trying to make a zombie army to take over the world. That’s definitely not what I’m doing!” before running out of the room.

The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.”

He added, “Those who oppose gay marriage are starting to die out. They are being forced to migrate to rougher and rougher climates such as Bumblefuck, North Carolina. Supporting gay marriage is a critical adaptation for anyone who wants to survive in the liberal ecosystems north of the Mason Dixon line.”

Further evidence for this viewpoint is found in the fossil record. Dead politicians from the 1950s have been shown to have opposed gay marriage less than those of the 1920s, showing a gradual process of evolution and change.

On the other side of the debate are the creationists. They argue that Obama’s views have not evolved at all and in fact were placed in him by a higher power. According to Chief Creationist Robert Pope, “His opinions were generated divinely by some sort of anti-God, or in layman’s terms, Satan.”

Pope further posits that Obama has been under the influence of Satan for several years due to his Muslim faith and African birth. The creationists also dismiss the fossil evidence as a hoax. They claim that there are several missing links and that one cannot talk about evolution until they are found. James Cardinal, assistant to the Chief Creationist, asked, “Where is the missing link? Where is the politician who supported marriage only for gay women, but not for gay men?”

Despite the opposing poles just mentioned, there has emerged a third position that Obama’s opinions are a product of intelligent design. Advocates of this line of thinking argue that in an election year, Obama is being guided by some higher power or super intelligent campaign manager. Proponent Herman Jones argues “there may have been an evolution, but why has it unfolded in this manner and at this time? There must be some sort of supernatural activity or higher power in the form of gay campaign donors guiding this process.”

Although scientific consensus has not been reached, there is some alarm as to how rapidly Obama has changed his mind on the issue. Voter and amateur scientist Wayne King told The Flipside, “One minute his views were evolving and next he supports same sex marriage. Does this mean in a few years we’ll see a candidate who supports polygamy?”

Phil Hands of the Wisconsin State Journal drew the political cartoon.

“When I first signed up for British Literary Traditions back in freshmen year, I had to get copies of six novels, all published by Penguin,” recalled Lapinski. “When the quarter ended, I realized that these books are timeless classics and totally worth the space under my bed. Besides, if I sold these books back, I would have gotten, like, five bucks in return. So, I figured, why not just keep them?”

Over the next eleven quarters, Lapinski managed to curate a collection of over seventy books, all from the Penguin Classics series. Now that he is leaving Northwestern, Lapinski is facing a dilemma: what to do with a virtually worthless pile of paperbacks?

“At first I thought of just selling it, but it turns out no one really wants most of these. I don’t really blame them though. I mean, why would anyone need a copy of Aphra Behn’s Love-letters between a Nobleman and His Sister? The grad student who taught a seminar on that got tenure at Evergreen State College last year and no one else in the department ever wants to teach that material.”

After the Evanston Public Library rejected his intention to donated the collection — the library claims that “there are already hundreds of thousands of Penguin Classics in the Evanston Public Library System thanks to student donations over the past several decades” — Lapinksi is looking for new ways to use the paperback books. So far he has managed to sell them as pillows for sleepy pre-meds in Chem 101, book fort building materials, paperweights made of paper, and bed-lofters for freshmen.

Lapinski was surprised how successful his attempts to sell the books have been. “Maybe I should become a salesman for Penguin,” mused Lapinski. “Lord knows I’ll never get a real job with my English major.”

Richard Shamberg, social psychologist and author of the report, was called to testify before a special committee in Congress.

“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions. “It’s inevitable. There’s nothing wrong with a little sauce when the world constantly stomps on your dreams, but these kids need to wait until they’re bitter shells of humans whose only memory of happiness is seeing it cruelly snatched away. If these kids are already alcoholics, just imagine how low they’ll sink after they experience chronic unemployment.”

Amanda Bennett, a graduating Northwestern University Physics major with a 3.9 GPA attempted to refute Shamberg’s report, but tripped over her own feet and started giggling.

“You really need to catch her before noon,” a roommate advised. “In fact, you might want to come back tomorrow. She’s never at her best on Tuesdays.”

Many educators believe that increased pressure on teenagers and young adults over the past several decades has led them to begin drinking at younger ages and drink more while in college, before cynicism has had a chance to fully set in.

“The absolute worst part? These kids are drinking for fun,” Shamberg told the committee. “In their youthful exuberance, these kids have begun to treat drinking as a social, life-affirming event rather than something you do alone at 4AM in a shitty downtown bar because you just can’t bear to face the next day. Poor fools.”

“I realized just how average my resume is,” said Pandolph. “I have a 2.2 GPA, I don’t have any leadership positions, unless you count being The Guy Who Lends His Car to People in His Frat, and I haven’t had a job since I quit working in the Hinman mailroom freshman year. God, that job sucked! My boss was a jerk and smelled bad, I kept getting paper cuts, I got really bored, it was really boring, sometimes I got paper cuts, my boss often had pieces of spinach stuck in his teeth, it was boring, did you know the edges of paper are really sharp, and you shouldn’t ever work in the Hinman mail room. God that job sucked.”

Pandolph only stopped ranting about the Hinman mailroom when reminded he was being interviewed about his senior thesis.

“Right, so writing a thesis statement is really easy, and you get honors for it! That’ll make me stand out to employers. I should probably start looking for a job, because my parents said they won’t let me live in their basement after I graduate.”

Pandolph explained that since high school he’s been told that the thesis is the most important part of any paper, because it tells the reader exactly what will be discussed. “I’m so good at thesises,” said Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”

Upon turning in his thesis statement, Pandolph’s advisor thanked him for his hard work and said the only way he would be able to find a place to live after college would be to steal the key to his parent’s house.

“This might come as kind of a surprise, given the rigor of the Comm curriculum,” theater major Kirk Hammill told The Flipside, “but I was actually kind of worried about finding a job after graduation.”

For Hammill, who will start in July as a barista at Starbucks’ Grand Central location in New York, his new job is a “dream come true.” “I’ll practically be on Broadway!” he exclaimed over his no-whip, non-fat, extra-hot double hazelnut mocha.

Department Chair Matthew Schlue says he couldn’t be happier that his students are finally receiving recognition for all the hard work they’ve invested in their education here at NU. “Now when they overhear Business Majors talk about their Wall Street interviews while toiling away on their one weekly homework assignment at Norbucks, they can know that they’re special too,” he told The Flipside to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

According to Hammill, the application process was no “chorus-line harmony.” In a strenuous first-round group interview process, applicants were asked difficult milk-based questions, like, “How does the froth to espresso ratio compare in a cappuccino versus a latte?”

Hammill says that some of the philosophy majors present made real fools of themselves during the interview. “Ugh, such amateurs. I think one even said a Café Americano is coffee based. He probably wouldn’t have known Barbara Streisand from Patti Lupone.” (Upon hearing the latter statement, Rachelle Terry, a close friend of Hamill’s who has received a Music Theater Certificate , screamed and ran out of the coffee shop where this interview was conducted).

After breezing through round one, Hammill says that he knew he sealed the deal at a dinner a few weeks ago. While Google recruits have reported being taken out to dinner at such culinary hot spots as Charlie Trotter’s and Alinea in downtown Chicago, Starbucks executives treated to high-profile candidates like Hammill to an evening at the Applebee’s location just a little farther down Michigan Ave. “I knew I had the New York position in a lock when the regional manager asked me, ‘If you could draw any picture or write any message in latté foam, what would it be and why?’ I said the opening verse of ‘Memory’ from ‘Cats.’ The Head of Human Relations was so moved that she cried.”

Dear Northwestern community,

The actions of our organization last week were reprehensible and will not be repeated. Getting caught holding a racist hootenanny was simply wrong. We should not have held the 33rd annual Beer Olympics and racial prejudice jamboree where students could see and photograph it. For the last 32 years, this event has been an integral part of many students’ Northwestern experience and nobody said a thing. We promise that the racist box social/Sadie Hawkins dance will not happen again, to your knowledge. We will reevaluate the mission of this organization and change our behavior until everything blows over.

The Northwestern community can learn a lesson from this: namely, that we should come together and respect each other as One Northwestern by refraining from narcing on one another. It was wrong that we held such a culturally insensitive event that the entire campus was then told about, unsettling many. We did not think about how our annual tradition would offend others; the event was meant to stay amongst ourselves.

We apologize in particular for misrepresenting the nation of Bangladesh. We missed out on a veritable gold mine of Muslim stereotypes, and it will not happen again.

Lastly, in an effort to put this matter behind us and move forward, we will engage in dialogue and work to make changes for the future. Specifically, we will hire a new chief costume officer, attend a costume making competency class, increase the amount of costumes present, and release to the public a full costume report. That ought to do it, right?

Sincerely,

Racist Olympics Coordinators

“I was completely shocked. I was all ready to take him on a tour of Norris and my dorm, but he insisted on going to as many frat parties as he could, and even suggested starting a Racist Beer Olympics in my dorm,” said the prospie’s overnight host, John Altman.

The prospie, Adam Rojek, also tried to sexile his host.

“I thought he was joking when he asked me back to his room, especially since he was still wearing his purple lanyard and carrying that purple folder,” said a surprised freshmen, Linda Mark.

The prospie was later spotted stealing bikes from the racks outside of Tech, and then running into pedestrians while riding the bikes.

“I just wanted to live life as I actually would when I got here,” the incredibly annoying Rojek said.

The admissions office called a mandatory meeting after hearing about this complete douchebaggery.

“He has great SAT scores, and his dad is a state congressman, but I just can’t justify allowing him into this school,” one admissions officer said.

“I’m not concerned at all about this,” Rojek said in an interview with the Flipside. “I’m perfectly ready to go wreck some shit at Princeton…. Once I get off the wait list.”

Partygoers were encouraged to wear offensive racial outfits; for example, the South African team wore white t-shirts and black pants to symbolize the “white on top, black on bottom” social dynamic of the country. To say that this created an awkward moment when non-white students learned of the party is a severe understatement.

“It is simply quite astounding,” said Dr. David Howard, one of the top scientists and professors at Harvard University’s Awkward Sciences Program. “The awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.”

In layman’s terms, a single Michaelcerawatt is a unit of extreme awkwardness. The blast’s power was roughly equivalent to walking in on your parents having S&M sex in your room, while simultaneously farting really loudly in front of your crush, while accidentally going on a blind date with your ex. Also, for the purposes of the measurement, you are Michael Cera.

Witnesses say that the official confrontation was so awkward, nobody on the ski team was able to form a coherent, grumble free sentence for days. One ping pong ball that was midair actually stopped its flight path and fell straight down due to sheer embarrassment. According to Flipside sources, every single conversation in a five mile radius suddenly stopped for at least 45 seconds due to the blast.

The awkward-blast’s aftershock registered at 7.8 Michaelcerawatts when the ski team released a letter apologizing only for getting caught.