Many GOP politicians are shifting their support from Romney and Gingrich to Streep, due to the fact that she is not completely incompetent; she keeps a level head, she always effectively executes her roles, and she is not an indecisive idealist or a horny bastard.

As a highly respected actress, Streep already has a leg up on the competition.  Her undeniable class will bring honor back to the Republican Party, and many posit that her womanly strength will give the GOP the feminine angle that failed so completely with Sarah Palin back in 2008.

Streep already has the support of many Republican leaders.  An encouraging tweet sent Tuesday from Sarah Palin read “U go girl!!!! Just tell them what a maverick u r and the ppl will love u 4ever!!”.  Former president George W. Bush also voiced support, saying “Meryl Streep has the prudential to be the most beautiful President in the history of Amurrica.  But all seriousness aside, she would do a great job running the country”.

Streep wishes all the candidates good luck, and hopes to establish a grip on the country that rivals her grip on Anne Hathaway in the 2006 box-office hit The Devil Wears Prada.

The décor of the cafeteria also stayed true to the Chinese culture with fake firecrackers hanging from the ceilings and lots of gold trim. However, these efforts went unnoticed by the university’s Chinese populace.

Long lines of Asians were seen at the pizza counter while the themed counters could only manage to attract the occasional curious white student. When asked why he did not try the cultural foods, Bok Lee, an international student from China said, “Oh! That was Chinese food?”

Another student who tasted the egg custard tart for dessert said he really loved the quiche, but couldn’t understand why it was in the dessert section.

The Asians that did acknowledge the effort praised the music and foods for their originality.

“I’ve always heard of Kung Pao Chicken, but I’ve never had it before,” said Ching Hua. Ug Nah, an exchange student from Indonesia, however, thought the chicken and nuts combination reminded him of home.

The soundtrack of traditional Chinese instruments playing in the halls struck the Chinese students with curiosity.

“The music is very interesting. My great-great-great-great grandma told me about songs like these, but I never heard them in person,” said Mimi Li. “I must ask them which antique store they found the record in.”

Fortune cookies were also distributed at the stir-fry counter. All of them contained the message “That was dog meat.”

Other students share similar sentiments. A petition has been drafted, addressed to the City of Evanston, in an attempt to impede — but not stop — the inevitable closure of TKOE. The petition contains a clause that stipulates, ‘If this petition is to succeed in fully restoring TKOE to its former status, the support for this petition will be rescinded, effectively negating any positive effect on the bar.’ Says the lead writer of the petition, “We just want to buy The Keg some time so we can continue to complain about its unfair demise.’ It seems that the student body has joined unanimously in protesting the end of protesting the end of the Keg.

No one has been more vocal about the Mayor’s decision than Northwestern freshman Tanya Baker. She claims she was the 2,500th person to update her Facebok status with a diatribe against the Mayor, which was, in her eyes, a “courageous and effective form of protest”, despite her admission that she has never actually visited The Keg.  She noted that, lately, her Facebook rants “don’t get likes anymore”. Seemingly furious at the implication that complaining about The Keg’s downfall has gone out of style, Tanya has redirected her rants towards fellow students; “R.I.P. supporters of TKOE” was her most recent status.

Tanya’s friend Sarah, on her attempt to coax Tanya into moving on, said, “Tanya won’t stop because she’s anxious that her friends from home won’t believe that she actually went out to bars during college if she stops complaining about the death of the 9th-best college bar in the U.S.”

A 60-year-old man who frequented the bar, who requested his name go unmentioned, is also worried, but for entirely different reasons. “I’m that guy who used to sit in the corner and glare over the top of my mug o’ beer at them college students dancin’ all around,” admitted the regular. He has become aware of the decreasing amount of angst, and it makes him think that those college students don’t “feel the same way about [him] as [he] does about them.”

Mayor Tisdahl has also expressed dismay at the reaction to her decision. “It’s not that I thought it wouldn’t be controversial”, says Tisdahl, “I just hoped it would create a backlash that would last much longer. I’m not going to get this much attention again until my funeral.”

One cannot help but sympathize with the mayor, as well as the members of the Evanston community who once were able to complain loudly and incessantly about the closing of The Keg, only to have the one-of-a-kind experience slip through their fingers. They’ll be forced to go back to grumbling about their Physics midterm or the seasonably cold weather.

Tisdahl explained, “When an establishment breaks the law, it must be warned, and then punished. When it continues to break the law, it must be shut down.”

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Evanston residents, as Mayor Tisdahl has previously supported efforts to enforce Evanston’s “brothel law” and denied a liquor license to “The Tilted Kilt,” another local restaurant, last spring.

What was surprising was the lack of opposition from the voice of the Northwestern student body, known party fanatic Morton Owen Schapiro. He declined to comment on Mayor Tisdahl’s announcement, but his secretary reported that “Morty has been extraordinarily depressed by his failures to keep Tisdahl in check and fears she may yet succeed in returning Evanston to the nineteenth-century dream of Frances Willard, a world of pure sobriety.”

President Schapiro was seen in his office, wearing a “Keg of Evanston” T-shirt and nursing a can of Bud Light.

Tisdahl also announced that she was ordering the Northwestern Panhellenic Association and Interfraternity Council to disband. “I understand that underage drinking is not confined to The Keg. That is why I am eliminating the Northwestern Greek system and reinstating Prohibition in our fair city.”

McCormick junior Alan Kaponé reacted to Tisdahl’s decree, “I don’t see the big deal. We’re Northwestern students; we can do anything we set our minds to. We’ll find a way to get alcohol. Some of us may even make a profit on it.”

Tom Migon, owner of the Keg, said he will be converting his bar into a pet store, called The geK-o. “No alcohol will be served there,” he promised.

Later Monday afternoon, The geK-o released the following advertisement: “Students who speak easily will be granted access to special discounts and offers in the back of the store.”

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign.

Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations.

“I have always fought hard for the peace and safety of this city.” Said Tisdahl. “If that goal happens to coincide with the mission of the good people at the Temperance Union, then so be it.”

When reached for comment, Willard replied “Boo.”

So this past Sunday night, I was flipping through the most recent issue of Life Magazine, watching some good ole’ public broadcast television – and I heard about this SOPA thing. Barbara Calhoun was reporting that if SOPA happened, this thing called ‘The Internet’ would start getting regulated by the government. Now I’m not normally one to judge the government – they’ve never done anything to me. Every day, I wake up and have a bowl of cornmeal in front me so I assume they’re doing their job.

But Mrs. Calhoun seemed pretty riled up about this ‘Internet’ business, and that told me it must be something important – she’s never steered me wrong. So I went to one of those ‘café’ places where all the kids go, and decided to check out this ‘Internet’ for myself… AND HOT DAMN! THIS THING’S AMAZING! Did you know you can read the news on the computer? I finally found the Reagan Issue of Time that I’ve been looking for!!! AND THE PORN!!! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten paper cuts with my nudie magazines. Those things sting like the dickens! But now, that will never be a problem!

We should really spread the word about this whole Internet deal! I can’t even imagine how many people are missing out on this great creation. The government needs to at least give this thing a little bit of trial period before they go and do anything with it, because I sure don’t see anything wrong with it – and if more adults got the chance to see the Internet for themselves, I think they’d agree.

Shortly after making this statement, Mr. McCulloghy was arrested by the FBI for streaming episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. Nobody has heard from him since.

The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

POLICE: The reef. . .challenged you?

SCHETTINO: Si!  It’s like the other car at the stop sign.  It is supposed to stop, not me.

POLICE: Sir — you’re saying the reef should have moved for you?

SCHETTINO: Of course, again with the stupid questions!  I even honked at it.  And on top of all that, I think it said something about my mother!

POLICE: Again, sir, let me remind you that we’re talking about a reef here.

SCHETTINO: Basta!  I’ll call Mama; she’ll explain it to you.

When asked why he abandoned ship before all of the passengers had made it to safety, Schettino claimed that it was lunch time and he thought he smelled pasta on shore.  Formal charges are expected soon.

As many students know, Mr. Thompson and Mr. Mitchell gained fame and fortune as co-founders of the Good Burger franchise, serving nutritious and well-balanced meals and smiles to nineties kids everywhere.  The pressures of fame and success, though, weighed heavily on Kel, ultimately leading to his highly publicized battle with substance abuse. In the spring of 1997 Kenan made the horrifying discovery that Kel had spent nearly all their yearly earnings on orange soda, which he had stored in one of the All That! prop warehouses.

“He said he was trying to establish a ‘Fanta Standard’” Kenan choked out in his E! True Hollywood Story, “you know, like the thing with gold and money, but I knew he had a problem.  Amanda Bynes and I tried to have an intervention, but there are some problems even dancing lobsters and Judge Trudy just can’t solve.”

Knowing he needed to get out of a destructive relationship while he still could, Mr. Thomson recouped what he could of his own investments in Good Burger ended the business and personal relationship which had been the basis of his initial stardom, drawing on the experience to give harrowing performances in such crtically-acclaimed films as Fat Albert and Snakes on a Plane.

Kel, on the other hand, is rumored to have drunk away his orange, fizzy life savings and slipped in to obscurity.

While a decade has passed since their tragic falling out, Kenan struggles to deal with his emotions around Kel’s downfall, and refrains from discussing his former best friend in public appearances.  “It’s still just too painful,” he told Diane Sawyer in an interview last year.  “Sometimes I’ll see a pickle or just some other burger topping, and I’ll think of the way he used to say ‘Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Goodburger, can I take your order?’ in his soothing way and I — I just get all choked up.” 

Kenan has also requested that the orange soda icon be blacked out in all of the Pick-Staiger vending machines while he is there.

On a happier note, perhaps the members of the NU community most excited for Kenan’s visit are those on the lady Wildcat Field Hockey Team, whom Mr. Thompson has promised to teach to shoot his famous “knuckle-puck,” which he used to defeat the Russians in D2: The Mighty Ducks.  “We’re hoping that if we master it,” team captain Jamie Stanton told Flipside, “other NU students will be aware that there actually is a women’s field hockey team.”