CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4 chile, donate now on our website” and “Chile is sooo the new Haiti.”

In spite of their efforts, the response has been lukewarm from evangelical Christians and bleeding-heart liberals alike.

“’NU Stands With Chile’ doesn’t really flow as well,” said Northwestern Haiti relief chair, Jacob Shmarts. “Plus, I heard the quake wasn’t even THAT bad, so it’s off our backs, right?”

The spirit that united the world when the earthquake hit Haiti has quickly dissolved, as has media coverage of the catastrophic event. Furthermore, recording artists spent all their creative energy on Haiti, so they have nothing to give to Chile.

“The re-recording of ‘We Are The World’ did a lot of great things for iTunes (and Haiti, too, I suppose), but now that Miley’s back on top, it will be hard for another philanthropic musical endeavor to be groundbreaking enough to show up on the charts.” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said.

Still, President Obama is inspiring Americans everywhere to think positively.

“My fellow Americans — I have been deeply moved by the compassion and drive I witnessed fueling the fundraising efforts a few short weeks ago when the quake hit Port-au-Prince. But, I am moved even deeper by your thoughts and prayers that go to Chile. I hope it means a lot to them.”

In his position as senior class president at Washburn, Krawson was well-liked for reducing detentions by 40% and for planning “the best prom on a boat Washburn’s ever had,” according to yearbook committee chair Kari Aleckstaf. Along with his accomplishments in student government, she gives credit for the win to his career drive and strong resume. “He interned at an investor bank or whatever last summer. I think his dad’s on the board. They have really nice alcohol at their house.”

On campus at Northwestern, Krawson has continued a tradition of public service, despite faltering academically. “His ‘Chill for the Children’ smoke-in benefit event last week raised nearly $200 for charity, and he’s been very successful as our vice-treasurer-at-arms” said fellow Pi Kappa Alpha member Kyle Carter. “He’s definitely going places.” Other brothers expressed their agreement, saying “That dude’s awesome,” and “Have you seen his Beamer? It’s sick!”

Krawson himself declined a full interview with The Flipside. When asked about the situation, his only comment was “Westside, bitches,” with an accompanying hand gesture.

As for the failing mark on the midterm, it appears that Krawson will be appealing for a regrade. “He sent me an email last night expressing his dissatisfaction,” said Teaching Assistant Kelly Wu. “I think he might have been trying to offer sexual favors for a better grade, but there were a lot of misspellings and the whole thing was generally pretty jumbled, so I’m not sure.”

Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of worldwide nuclear disarmament). Residing in the “hearty” south side of Chicago, the University of Chicago has recently furthered its rather “uncommon” application.

Nix nearly fainted among glancing at the envelope. It had the word “Congratulations” written in bold. “My parents made me apply there,” said Nix. “I went on a tour there. I can only describe it as a black hole of emotion. I left campus joyless, pale, and trembling.”

Fortunately for Nix, the enclosed letter informed him of his rejection. “I was so relieved,” added Nix. “The thought of hanging out with UChicago kids for four years wanted to make me enlist in the army.”
Starting this year, only rejected applicants will receive the big congratulation envelopes. Accepted applicants will receive small, discrete letters. “We thought we’d change our notification system this year,” a UChicago admissions officer told The Flipside. “Too many students were disappointed when they opened our congratulation letters to find that they had been accepted. This new system is more appropriate given the overwhelmingly common emotional response.”

It will be some time before he hears back from Stanford, but Nix hasn’t taken his UChicago rejection harshly. “Regardless of where I end up, I know I’ll still be sane four years from now.”

Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here to boost my profile. There is no way I will be found guilty when my trial resumes”.

In a matter allegedly unrelated to the aforementioned corruption trial, Blagojevich denies charges of scalping tickets for his free ethics discussion.

Following in the footsteps of Blagojevich, a fine gubernatorial role model, Patterson jumped on the idea for his speaking tour about vision. According to Governor Paterson, “My ability to see all my obstacles clearly without stumbling along the way has enabled me to excel in my partial term as governor.” He added, “Once and a while things get a little touch and go, but I have an acute sensory system, so that has not been a problem.”

Governor Paterson has had his own set of troubles since taking office, including repeated allegations of extra-marital affairs, drug use, and other major indiscretions. When asked about this personal turmoil in his short time as governor and why he recently announced, after stubbornly defying President Obama for months, that he is not seeking election to a full term in office, he responded, “I have been blindsided by unforeseen circumstances.”

This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made it past the treacherous pass, a fault blamed largely on their genetically predisposed inability to make it 2 yards without free medication. Since Canadians were invented in 1972, American scientists have been hard at work on methods to both keep out and at the same time steal from the people of “Americas Hat.”

Policy makers on both sides of the gap have sought to come up with explanations for this recent surge, but so far the motives remain unclear. One possible example might be national outrage at the Canadian showing in the curling event at the recent Winter Games.

A loss of such magnitude may very well provoke the Canadian supporters to jump ship onto the country with the winning sweepers. Said sub sweeper Gordon Lepepin of the showing: “We let our country down a bit, eh. I’m sure both of the viewers back home will be at least a little disappointed”. The government has tried to gauge the effects of the loss on these viewers. This may prove a little difficult; however, seeing as 50% of that number has since crossed the border and is therefore out of Canadian legal jurisdiction.  

This development is frightening, and it may even prompt the president to appoint another guard to the entirety of America’s northern border. Such an addition would bring number up to an unprecedented one and a half, cutting the workload of that cripple with a gun in Maine in half.

“I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.”

“I’m gay now,” he posted right after.

Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend requests he accepted without checking to make sure he knew them.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he was so excited to talk to me,” says Rupert O’Flaherty, whose profile picture shows more acne than skin.

Overnight, Miller became a fan of “Women in the Workforce,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and “The Herpes Helpline.”

When asked the next morning about the sudden changes, Miller asked “what the fuck are you talking about and how did you get into my room?”

“These people show no remorse for their actions,” ISOC chairman Jim Stevenson said in a press conference. “Hugs during training are one thing, but just before and after events? This has gone too far.”

Family members, and even competing players, participate in hugging in the open. Northwestern University’s Feinberg Medical School published a paper on the subject in the January 2010 issue of Science. Researchers found an exponential increase in self-evaluation, warm fuzziness, and smiles following just a single hug.

“Hug users have an unfair advantage over the un-hugged,” says Stevenson. “Hugs serve to artificially heighten an athlete’s willpower and stamina. Simply put, it’s immoral.”

Due to the short-burst effect of these performance enhancing hugs, it makes them difficult to test.

“Eyewitness sightings are the only reliable indicators of hug use,” said ISOC spokesman Janice Levingston. “Once these athletes get hooked, it’s hard to quit. They’re often found searching for hugs outside of the arena of competition. This is dangerous territory.”

A mandate has been set in place by the ISOC. Any athlete found hugging another individual during the time of competition shall be erased from the record books.

“We just want to be taken seriously,” added Levingston. “These Olympics aren’t all fun and games.”

When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it “a no-brainer.” “We only had, like, two humans left anyway, so why not make the switch complete? I mean, Tracy McGrady (recently acquired from Houston) has been a cardboard-cut-out for like three years now and nobody has noticed. We have also been trotting out the corpse of what was once Eddy Curry without experiencing any drop-off in our overall production.”

Coach Mike D’Antoni agrees, adding that “Human players just bring too much drama. I wish we had done this with Stephon Marbury last season. A whole lot of trouble could have been avoided if we just paid for a simple mannequin and gave Steph some hush money”.

This move to reduce payroll is all part of a major effort to gain enough cap space to sign star free agent Lebron James in the summer of 2010. The New Jersey Nets started the salary cap-reducing trickery when they switched their team with a bunch of sixth graders from a Newark CYO league. The fact that they have won 5 games this year is extraordinary considering that they only have one player who can even reach the basket.

The response from Knicks fans to the deal has been mostly positive. According to one fan, “I see nothing wrong with this. We weren’t going to make the playoffs anyway; why not increase our chances of getting Lebron?”
The only possible drawback to the blockbuster deal is that the Knicks have given up the remaining three draft picks they had left until 2020.