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Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down <del>Northwestern</del> Keg: Musings of a Drunk Medill Student Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter
 
Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down <del>Northwestern</del> Keg: Musings of a Drunk Medill Student

Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down Northwestern Keg: Musings of a Drunk Medill Student

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses

Al-Qaeda Admit That Mark Wahlberg Would Have Kicked Their Asses

After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn't have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

"I've tasted da feet...I mean, defeat, before...but this was a tough one to swallow," the coach remarked. "They...I mean, it...left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth."

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

January 18, 2012

EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman [...]

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Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death

Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death

January 16, 2012

WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, [...]

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Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos

Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos

January 16, 2012

MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, [...]

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4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

January 16, 2012

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved [...]

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Diversity Initiative Prompts Sororities to Accept Marginally Less Stereotypical Sisters

Diversity Initiative Prompts Sororities to Accept Marginally Less Stereotypical Sisters

January 13, 2012

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them [...]

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<i>The Devil Inside</i> Fails to Satisfy

The Devil Inside Fails to Satisfy

January 12, 2012

EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside.  I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others [...]

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After Poor Iowa Performance, Lizard People to Reconsider Campaign

After Poor Iowa Performance, Lizard People to Reconsider Campaign

January 12, 2012

DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines. “Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must [...]

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Brett Ratner to Vote on Excellence in Film

Brett Ratner to Vote on Excellence in Film

January 12, 2012

LOS ANGELES – As Oscar season 2012 kicks off, desperate film producers have launched “For Your Consideration” ads aimed squarely at currying favor with Brett Ratner. The 42-year old filmmaker’s opinion, in a bizarre twist of fate, is considered not only relevant but actually equal to that of Martin Scorsese or half of the Coen [...]

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Iowans Quietly Go Back to Being Irrelevant

Iowans Quietly Go Back to Being Irrelevant

January 12, 2012

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes. Back in the natural state they reside in [...]

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Fraternities, Sororities Show Freshmen How Cool They Are by Not Hanging Out With Opposite Gender for a Week

Fraternities, Sororities Show Freshmen How Cool They Are by Not Hanging Out With Opposite Gender for a Week

January 12, 2012

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol. Occasionally, students [...]

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