January 18, 2012
EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman [...]
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January 16, 2012
WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, [...]
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January 16, 2012
MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, [...]
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January 16, 2012
EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved [...]
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January 13, 2012
EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them [...]
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January 12, 2012
EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside. I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others [...]
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January 12, 2012
DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines. “Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must [...]
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January 12, 2012
LOS ANGELES – As Oscar season 2012 kicks off, desperate film producers have launched “For Your Consideration” ads aimed squarely at currying favor with Brett Ratner. The 42-year old filmmaker’s opinion, in a bizarre twist of fate, is considered not only relevant but actually equal to that of Martin Scorsese or half of the Coen [...]
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January 12, 2012
DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes. Back in the natural state they reside in [...]
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January 12, 2012
EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol. Occasionally, students [...]
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Added on September 18, 2011
Gingrich Forgets to Mention Reagan in Debate Response, Support Plummets by 10%
Area Stoner Smokes Super Bowl
JoePa’s Death Good PR Move
Northwestern to Start 2012 Academic Year in 2013
Northwestern Opens New Study Abroad Program in Plex
GOP Nominates Meryl Streep For President
Chinese Students Fail to Recognize Chinese-New-Year-Themed Food
Evanston Community Bemoans the End of Bemoaning TKOE
Evanston Mayor Tisdahl to Close Keg, Frats, Reinstate Prohibition
Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down 
