May 14, 2010
Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?” “The Prisoner’s Dilemma [...]
May 14, 2010
CHICAGO – Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was. “Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won [...]
Posted in No. 35, Sports0 Comments
May 14, 2010
EVANSTON – Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs. Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public [...]
Posted in Local, No. 350 Comments
May 06, 2010
LOS ANGELES – In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity. “He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the [...]
Posted in Entertainment, No. 340 Comments
May 06, 2010
ARIZONA – The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of [...]
Posted in No. 34, Politics0 Comments
May 06, 2010
“Willpower” rating created specifically for Denver QB Tim Tebow MAITLAND, FLORIDA – EA Tiburon, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.” “We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer [...]
May 06, 2010
EVANSTON – Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. [...]
Posted in Local, No. 343 Comments
May 06, 2010
Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids [...]
Posted in No. 34, Sports0 Comments
May 06, 2010
Magic – Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that [...]
Posted in Entertainment, No. 340 Comments
May 06, 2010
EVANSTON- Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65. “I mean come on, look around” [...]
Posted in Local, No. 340 Comments
Added on August 13, 2010
“HA-Cha!” Reports Man Who Just Found Twizzlers Under Couch Cushion
Dillo Day Issue: Students Buy Dillo Day Merchandise for ‘Street Cred’
Dillo Day Issue: Drake Cancels Performance to Watch Himself on Degrassi Rerun
Dillo Day Issue: Missing Rapper People Liked in Middle School Reappears
Dillo Day Issue: Guster ExSpektors to ANellyate Rhymefest in Super Mash Bros.
Team of Archaeologists to Find Rumored Einstein's Bagels
Dillo Day Issue: Top 10 Reasons Nelly Wears a Band-aid
Gender Studies Announces NU Teach-In-Series' New Game-Spitting Seminar
UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters
EA Sports Announces New Willpower Attribute in Madden 2011
“HA-Cha!” Reports Man Who Just Found Twizzlers Under Couch Cushion
The Flipside is on Summer Hiatus
Cubs, Ricketts Turn Ushers into Billboards
Dillo Day Issue: Ugh, Regina, Shut the Fuck Up Already
Dillo Day Issue: Dillo FAY yeahBut like regina spector
Dillo Day Issue: NU’s Ten Country Music Fans Disappointed for 38th Straight Year
Dillo Day Issue: Confused Student Wears ACE Bandage for Nelly Set
Dillo Day Issue: Top 10 Reasons Nelly Wears a Band-aid
Dillo Day Issue: Students Buy Dillo Day Merchandise for ‘Street Cred’
