EVANSTON – In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised.

“Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed for years, and they can’t even get the school together.”

Added Newberg, “No excuse.”

Though the future Maroons live in mortal fear of the thrashing to be handed down, some Northwestern players understand their reluctance. “I’d feel bad if we shamed them handily every week,” remarked catcher Andrew Smith “the UChicago guys would never get the grass stains out of their dresses.”

At press time, the future UChicago men’s team is likely preparing for the sting of endless unsuccessful courtships.