Got your fake ID stolen? Can’t get your upperclassmen friends to score a handle of Skol for you? Not a fan of the mouthwash taste? You won’t have to deal with these bummers if you make your own fun juice! Making your own booze in your tiny room at Plex can sound like a daunting challenge but it’s also very rewarding. Just follow these simple suggestions and you’ll be on your way to tipsyville by the end of the school year.

1. The best ingredients might be right next to you.
Believe it or not, you don’t need expensive, hard-to-get ingredients to make delicious drinks. Take advantage of the dining halls. With apples, oranges, pears, and bananas readily available, there are plenty of exotic, obscure drinks to be made. With some imagination, that plate of mashed potatoes could turn into your very own line of vodka.

2. Keep your friends close, your CAs closer.
What kind of CAs you’re dealing with has a lot to do with where, what, when, and how you’re going to go about making your own brews. With a meticulous CA, you’re going to be limited to the corner under your bed. With an oblivious one, you could be far more daring with your approach. Go ask permission to use the basement trunk room for your organic chemistry project. Your CA might say why not. CAs often come with different needs that also affect your brewing operations. Sometimes, the CA might want a small taste of the mead you’re making. Other times he might want a small part of the profit share. Regardless, always keep your CAs satisfied.

3. Sanitation is key.
Not much needs to be said here. It’s a fine, fine line between low quality alcohol and sewage. “Try not to give people food poisoning” is a good life tip in general.

4. Experiment! (at your own risk.)
There are hundreds of thousands of plants out there in the world. Any plant starch can be turned into potable liquid fun. While Germany may have the Reinheitsgebot,¹ your own brews are not under those jurisdictions. Have fun, be daring. Who knows what that left over birthday cake could turn into with the right combination?

5. Don’t be greedy.
Plenty of dorm-brewers come across temptations to turn their operations into a business upstart. Keep in mind, most dorm-breweries that went venture almost always fail for one reason or another: uptight CAs, nosy CAs, disgruntled CAs, you name it. Always keep in mind why you’re making alcohol. You’re not doing it to become filthy rich like the depression era bootleggers. It’s about having fun and keeping the party going. Keep it chill. Share the good times. Guy down the hallway comes knocking for a last-ditch attempt at reviving his room pregame? Go on, make his day. Put your entrepreneurial skills to a good cause.

¹ Strict laws governing ingredients of beer.

EVANSTON — Reports stemming from the Rho chapter of the Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity indicate that brother Ben Nickerson, a Weinberg junior, secretly loves turning people away from the fraternity’s numerous events and social engagements.

“Just the look on these people’s faces when you tell them to walk around the block, it’s hysterical,” said Nickerson, casually lounging on the house porch, Solo cup in hand. “They look like you just told them Christmas is cancelled. They just don’t believe they can’t get in.”

The monstrous toolbag paused his interview in order to point obnoxiously down the block and tell a group of freshmen, “Hey, sorry guys, but we’re really full right now. Why don’t you guys take a lap?” before turning back to reporters and grinning. “We’re not full at all, but seriously, they were trying to get away with a 2:1 guy-on-girl ratio. Doesn’t fly with me.”

The insufferable asshole then spat over the porch railing and downed the contents of his beverage before letting in a pack of four girls. “Welcome ladies, my name’s Ben, and if you need anything while you’re in there, you just send someone out to let me know,” said the man who has absolutely no power among the rest of his brothers or at the house in general.

In addition, reports say that the girls were sevens at best, and that’s being generous.

The rejections, though, would soon come to define the evening, as Nickerson continued to turn away any groups that even had a remote sniff of masculinity. “The egg-to-sausage combo at our parties is something that TTK really takes pride in,” said the virgin. “These dumbasses just aren’t seeing that. They all walk around out there in little circles bitching and moaning, do they think we can just let anyone in?”

Sources indicated that the street on which Tappa Tappa Keg is located looks like a fucking track meet. Freshman Andy Fullman commented, “We just heard there was an alright party at TTG, and Alpha Beta and Gamma Delta were both wall-to-wall, so we came up to check it out and some douchebag on the porch went all traffic-cop on us. Total bullshit.”

The alleged bullshit would continue for another 45 minutes solid, as Nickerson was able to find both a chair and a refill for his drink. He then put his feet up on the porch railing, so as to look as relaxed and indifferent as possible while he was ruining the nights of dozens upon dozens of smarter, more socially-apt individuals.

The party inside, meanwhile, was struggling with a guy-to-girl ratio of 1:15. Sophomore Rob Lowell stated, “Yeah, I was able to get in with some friends from SMQ, but Jesus Christ, it’s a hen house in here. There’s like one other dude, and I think he may have left already. I thought it would be cool in here, but man, all they’re playing is deep tracks of Skrillex.”

When Bobby Masterson, president of the Tappa Tappa Keg chapter, was reached for comment, he said of Mr. Nickerson: “Oh, Ben. I totally forget he’s a brother, but when he shows up to these things we just stick him outside. Have you seen him at parties? He goes hard. One girl’s nose started bleeding two weeks ago. Killed it for everyone. Why, what’s he doing out there now?”

Since the beginnings of the party, Nickerson has let in 31 girls and two boys, and has reportedly enjoyed every minute of it, save for one moment when a freshman threw a wet blob of gum at him and called him a goddam dickwad.

EVANSTON – Following NU Student Affairs’s decision to disassociate with Chabad House due to clashes over university alcohol policy, Northwestern’s Chemistry department has been stripped of accreditation following reports that ethanol was served to minors during a recent lab.

Department chair Elizabeth Locke protested the decision, claiming that providing disciples with ethanol has been a “central tenet” of chemistry for centuries. Although Locke does not deny the charges levied against her department, she has attempted to assure administrators and parents that ethanol was provided solely in a “respectful, somber environment.”

“It would be unthinkable to imagine a chemistry department unable to provide its students with ethanol,” Locke wrote in a Daily Northwestern editorial pleading for a more sensible ethanol policy.

“Like, literally. Unthinkable. You can’t get even half-way through Gen Chem 101 without it.”

Chabad House’s Rabbi Dov Hillel Klein has likewise written several editorials for campus periodicals, but most have been rejected for publication. Critics claim that the Rabbi’s manifestos are “rambling, incoherent, and in many cases consist entirely of the phrases ‘Arthur Butz’ and ‘Northwestern is Hitler.’”

When reached for comment, Rabbi Klein accused The Flipside of anti-Semitism and suggested that “whoever ratted [him] out to Student Affairs [was] a pussy who [couldn’t] handle a bit of fucking Manischewitz.”

Student support has remained strong for both Chabad House and the Chemistry department, but a recent rally faced sparse attendance after organizers opted to attend a rager at the Sheil Catholic Center instead.

EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep at the podium, and drinking if Romney appears to be hiding an erection.

Soon after the debate began, students at many debate-watching parties began to follow the common rule of chugging if a candidate speaks beyond their allotted time until Jim Lehrer stops them. This often lasted well over two minutes. Students then mobbed the bathrooms to eject the alcohol from their system. Several intoxicated students found themselves in an unfamiliar restroom, their heads surrounded by a porcelain halo.

Amanda Centrola, a McCormick freshman who lives on the third floor of Bobb, recalled, “I was on my sixth straight hour of studying when I heard a stampede toward the bathroom. Girls were screaming when they realized that there were male students befouling it. One girl tried to run to an empty one on the far end of the hall, but she didn’t make it. I saw her later, covered in tears and her own vomit, sitting outside her CA’s room for the rest of the night.”

The University’s custodial staff has asserted that since the debate occurred on a Wednesday, they would not be cleaning up the bathrooms until the normal weekly cleaning on Monday, telling students to “Suck it up” because “It’s [their] own damn fault.”

President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on the toilety state of the university. However, witnesses claim that Morty was drinking amongst the students but did not show even remote signs of sickness.

EVANSTON – McCormick senior Joshua Manley said Thursday that he was “really bummed” that high school students would no longer be allowed to attend Dillo Day. “I totally liked checking out those hot 17-year-olds every year. I’d give them a beer or seven and boy was Dillo Day the best day ever.”

Manley’s best friend Aaron Jacobson felt similarly. “Like, why should I even bother coming to Dillo Day anymore? I can get drunk anywhere, any time. I can see better live music in Chicago. I mean, Steve Aoki headlining? Really?”

Manley agreed. “It was the people who made Dillo Day special. And this rule banning high schoolers from Dillo Day is taking away the people, taking away what made it special.”

“On the bright side,” said Jacobson, “at least we won’t be arrested for sexual harassment this year.”

EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted.

“SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re stranded on Noyes in dire need of a drink, SafeRide will always be there for you.”

Cubbage then made further headlines with the announcement of SafeRide Lite, a new fleet of cars dedicated to reliably delivering alcohol to patient students. Representatives of The Flipside were invited for ride-alongs to see the new drivers in action. I had only been in the car for about a minute when the driver received his first order.

“Got a female student for you at Simpson and Maple,” the radio operator issued. “She called an hour ago, but then I started playing Solitaire.”

“Vodka or rum?” the driver asked as he rifled through a fully-stocked cooler in the backseat. He seemed shocked to hear that she only wanted a ride back home.

“I’m a very ‘scenic’ driver,” the driver spoke as we leisurely ambled towards his destination. “I like to show riders the best Evanston has to offer while they’re puking in my car. If I fall slightly behind schedule, I think it’s a small price to pay.”

The street corner came into view.

“Aw, shit, she’s already been mugged.”

In other news, a Shepard Hall CA has been arrested for selling Adderall to his residents, but only to those who agreed to attend a “super-fun” fireside on body image awareness.

EVANSTON – Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl announced Monday that she is permanently closing local iconic bar, The Keg of Evanston, due to repeated charges of underage drinking.

Tisdahl explained, “When an establishment breaks the law, it must be warned, and then punished. When it continues to break the law, it must be shut down.”

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Evanston residents, as Mayor Tisdahl has previously supported efforts to enforce Evanston’s “brothel law” and denied a liquor license to “The Tilted Kilt,” another local restaurant, last spring.

What was surprising was the lack of opposition from the voice of the Northwestern student body, known party fanatic Morton Owen Schapiro. He declined to comment on Mayor Tisdahl’s announcement, but his secretary reported that “Morty has been extraordinarily depressed by his failures to keep Tisdahl in check and fears she may yet succeed in returning Evanston to the nineteenth-century dream of Frances Willard, a world of pure sobriety.”

President Schapiro was seen in his office, wearing a “Keg of Evanston” T-shirt and nursing a can of Bud Light.

Tisdahl also announced that she was ordering the Northwestern Panhellenic Association and Interfraternity Council to disband. “I understand that underage drinking is not confined to The Keg. That is why I am eliminating the Northwestern Greek system and reinstating Prohibition in our fair city.”

McCormick junior Alan Kaponé reacted to Tisdahl’s decree, “I don’t see the big deal. We’re Northwestern students; we can do anything we set our minds to. We’ll find a way to get alcohol. Some of us may even make a profit on it.”

Tom Migon, owner of the Keg, said he will be converting his bar into a pet store, called The geK-o. “No alcohol will be served there,” he promised.

Later Monday afternoon, The geK-o released the following advertisement: “Students who speak easily will be granted access to special discounts and offers in the back of the store.”

THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture.

Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise.

“The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would not be surprised if the members of our incoming class begins to fail all of their classes if they continue such behavior.”

Some students stick to the claim that they were not drunk. Daniel Marrison, a SESP freshman, said “I wish I could claim drinking as an excuse for passing out. Really. It was just that boring.”

In related news, Wildcat Welcome administrators are in the process of ordering breathalyzers for next year.