CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools.

“My daughter is only thirteen,” explained Jane Brown, a local church secretary. “She is far too young to know what a ‘vagina’ is, let alone that babies come out of there. And to say that a man could ‘get in there?’ Awful! If my daughter reads this, she will surely lose her chastity.”

Anne Frank’s novel has also come under fire for its apparent “lack of quality.” Conservative lobbyists have criticized Frank’s work for a lack of character development and plot structure. Citing slow rising action and shallow characters, a spokeswoman for Christian Mothers for Quality argued that the novel scarcely stands up next to classics like the Bible or the Left Behind series. The story has also been criticized as “too unrealistic.” Said the CMQ spokeswoman, “It would be a much more powerful text if readers could believe a girl would actually hide in an attic because of some fantasized ‘Nazi’ party and a completely fabricated racial purification movement.”

School officials responded to pressure, and immediately removed the illicit texts from library shelves. Explained one assistant principal, “If the book had more redeeming qualities, I might have let it slide. But it’s all smut. Did you know she’s a lesbian?” Administrators have offered a censored alternative. In the new version, all sexuality is wisely replaced with Christian values. Anticipating possible uproar over violent content, editors also removed the Holocaust from the text. Said the editor, “We want the book to retain its purpose, not to be clouded by pornography.”

EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.”

When asked about the takeover, North Shore resident and Pick-Staiger regular Ethel Murphy expressed her resounding enthusiasm. “This will finally keep the five young people who keep showing up to my concerts away for good!” said Murphy.

The most striking of Segal’s plans for the concert hall is the intended conversion of the upper balcony to senior housing units. “My residents always complain about how hard it is to hear the music from the balcony anyway,” says Segal. Additionally, the student ushers and sound designers will be replaced by residents.

The recent takeover will have ramifications beyond the local senior community. The inevitable question facing the Northwestern community is whether there will be a place for students to go after the annexation of the University’s most popular music venue. When asked about the acquisition of Pick-Staiger by North Shore, Weinberg Sophomore Kyle Howard expressed his bewilderment. “Pick what?! Isn’t that a museum or something?”

Clearly, the future of Pick-Staiger has been permanently affected. The Northwestern and Evanston communities will have to make extensive changes to their lifestyles to face the new reality of the North Shore Retirement Concert Hall.

CHICAGO—The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags.

Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It will pay off in the long run.”

Daley’s plan was to showcase the city from its beginning, while staying away from “certain areas.” The tour started with some of the buildings that survived the Great Chicago Fire and continued downtown. The group proceeded to look at many of Chicago’s sports and theater venues before heading north.

The IOC was scheduled to see Wrigleyville on Sunday. The group, however, insisted that it had yet to see what Chicago’s south side had to offer. “I did everything I could to persuade them that seeing that side of town was unnecessary,” noted Daley. “They insisted…unfortunately.”

The committee members arrived on Chicago’s south side in the early afternoon and were on their respective planes by the early evening. “We saw a lot of things,” said one IOC member. “Really, too many things. Lots of despair and, well, sadness. I can’t have the entire Olympic community, the world for that matter, frolicking in these streets. 2016 isn’t happening in Chicago, that’s for sure.”

Mayor Daley plans to annex the south side of Chicago to the state of Indiana. Hopefully, says Daley, Chicago will be half as big and then that half will get to host the Olympics. Legislation is currently underway.