RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities.

“It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him to go fuck himself before blowing his undead brains onto the wall, I’d have told you that you were nuts! It’s been my dream for 20 years!” Manson reported that he has gotten to meet many more famous reanimated corpses in the time since, and occasionally stops to pose for photos before unloading hot leaden fury.

“Let me show you my celebrity scrapbook!” Manson exclaimed like a giddy child. Rather than pull a photo album from a drawer, however, he removed a cooler from his freezer, and began to sort through various rotting appendages. “Let’s see… here’s Paul McCartney’s arm… Martin Scorsese’s head… Hitler’s only testicle…” Manson grinned from ear to ear:

“That was a fun one.”

Manson expressed his love for the state of anarchy that has fully penetrated nearly all developed nations worldwide.

“You’d think there’d be guidelines or somethin’ about how we have to kill the zombies; that we gotta be humane or shit like that, or that we gotta make sure they’re actually undead. Nope. Last night I shot Kanye West; he looked completely healthy to me, but I never could stand that self-involved little shit!” At this point, Manson cut the interview short, saying that he had “big plans” for the next morning.

“Rumor’s goin’ around that Glenn Beck’s infected!” Manson announced gleefully. “So I gotta get there early-there’s bound to be a line. This one’s been a long time coming, and I think that anyone with half a brain left has a bit of a bone to pick with mister Beck!” Manson walked over to his tool shed, emerging moments later with a variety of weapons:

“Which do you think that pig deserves more, the rusty mace or the jalapeño enema?”

Dear NU Flipside,

Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely,
James Walshington

Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival procedure for such an event. First, it is important that that you properly protect yourself against the undead. We suggest a shotgun and perhaps a machete. Flamethrowers work nicely as well. Next, you will need a place to ride out the initial infection. Malls have been scientifically proved to be the best strongholds against zombies. We suggest that you camp out on the roof of the Old Orchard Mall and wait for the zombies to starve to death, as our intensive research has shown is inevitable. Once the danger has passed, you may proceed to repopulate the world as you see fit.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com