For the first time in its storied existence, The Onion has issued an apology for its content. Many were outraged when “America’s Finest News Source” targeted 9-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhané Wallis with a tasteless expletive, forcing Onion, Inc. CEO Steve Hannah to post a contrite note of regret on his site’s front page.

After thorough discussion amongst The Flipside’s executive board and preferred astrologists, we have come to the decision that it is in our best interests for The Flipside to reach out to all of those who we’ve unfairly singled out over the last five years and grovel at their feet. In no particular order, we would like to apologize to:

Stefan Demos: With Northwestern Football having finally reclaimed their tarnished legacy with a bowl game win, we’re willing to move on, put the past behind us, and forgive you for breaking our hearts in the 2010 Outback Bowl. Also, NU underclassmen no longer know who you are, and we need to keep up with the times.

Area Man: Your fine name has been tarnished by the harshest libel imaginable in the pages of our fine publication. You’ve been accused of everything from borderline illiteracy to fiscal irresponsibility to dressing like a slut on Halloween, yet you have endured our barbs with the greatest dignity imaginable. We’re sure you’ll understand when we label you an incest-loving Fascist next week.

Chet Haze: We apologize for making you the new Demos. We’re just jealous; honest. From even a cursory glance of your Twitter account, we have come to the conclusion that you must be a world-class satirist, the likes of which have not been seen since Swift, Twain, and Vonnegut. We humbly tip our hats to you.

The Unknown Engineer: We have endured nearly an entire year of unrelenting guilt for dedicating an entire issue to mocking you, but have no plans to stop any time in the future. As a half-assed measure of contrition, The Flipside will establish an eternal flame in the basement of Tech, honoring the Unknown Engineer and the sacrifices that he has made for the good of the school. We may not know your name, and we may not know your face, because you never leave Slivka, but we can still honor your legacy.

Writers of The Fighting Methodist: The Fighting Methodist is one of Northwestern’s oldest and most revered publications, and we apologize for not paying you the somber respect that you deserve. We promise to be more deferential in the future, and pay our due diligence. In our defense, we originally thought that you were a comedy organization.

Signed,

-Andrew Schneider
Flipside Public Relations and Bereavement

LANSING, MI – In a month where NFL games, college football, and preseason basketball compete for the attention of autumn sports fans, area Guy Steve Parkson has reminded anyone who will listen to him that “baseball is still going on, guys.”

“Dudes,” said Parkson, checking MLB scores on his smartphone as his Guy buddies drank beer at a local bar, whose TVs were showing Sports That Were Not Baseball, “the Cardinals just pulled ahead of the Nationals…it looks like they’re going to the NLCS!”

When not even the bartender pretended to pay attention, Parkson cursed the Heavens and That Awkward Time Between When Football Starts And The World Series.

“Don’t you people get it!” Parkson raged. “The Cardinals were down by two runs in the ninth, they were down to their last out twice, and now they’re up by two! Don’t you find that the least bit interesting? This could determine the future, people! The future!”

Continuing to receive stares so blank his friends might as well have been cardboard cutouts, Parkson curled up in a fetal position and muttered, “Descalso. Descalso. Descalso.”

Area woman Chelsea Rivola, Parkson’s girlfriend, at this point became concerned that he was speaking in tongues, and called the nearest priest. She told The Flipside that the priest is still trying to exorcise the spirit from Parkson.

After That Awkward Time Between When Football Starts And The World Series ends, 3% of local area Guys are expected to join Parkson in remembering that it really is important which team can hit tiny leather balls with wooden clubs more consistently.

EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years.

“I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical books aren’t being printed anymore. Besides, you can also get the New York Times on this thing! How awesome is that?” To prove his point, Thompson downloaded the morning’s issue of the Times, spent 30 seconds reading the front-page headlines, and then promptly returned to watching TV.

“My wife keeps nagging me to read all of these books by some dead Swedish guy,” Thompson told me during the commercial break, “I think one was about hornets’ nests and shit like that. So, hey, maybe now I’ll finally be able to give them a shot-you know, having them all in one place and stuff. But then again, I heard they’re being made into movies, so why bother, you know?”

When asked if purchasing a Kindle could possibly compel him to read something other than the first 25 pages of a Dan Brown novel in the next decade, Thompson seemed hesitant to commit.

“Well, I guess so… I mean, I paid 200 bucks for this thing, so I might as well use it, huh?” Later reports indicated that Thompson read the first two chapters of The Girl Who Played With Fire and spent the rest of the afternoon searching for a “Hangman” application.