PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the law that led to the creation of this monument to relations between the two countries.

A press release following the announcement of the Fence of Liberty stated that “it is the hope of the government of Arizona that this endeavor will help to improve US-Mexican relations. It has long been said that good fences make good neighbors and, well, that’s one hell of a fence.”

Yet in spite of official enthusiasm for the project, the Fence of Liberty is not without its detractors, from immigrant-rights groups who claim that the fence represents racism on the part of the state government to firefighters who fear that sun reflecting off of the miles of copper plating will cause massive brushfires. Perhaps the most vocal opposition to the fence comes from the State of New Jersey, which claims that Arizona is infringing on a beloved New Jersey landmark. The State of New York claims that the State of New Jersey is full of shit, and that Arizona is in fact infringing in its beloved landmark.

Without unified legal opposition to the new monument, all these detractors have is their words and their petty East Coast squabbles. Construction on the Fence of Liberty is slated to begin in August, pending funding approval.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security to stop all of those turban-wearing terrorists from boarding our planes.”

When asked what the effort would entail, chief of police Roger Brown answered that the primary addition would be coursework that would help “refine our prejudices and make sure our first impressions and stereotypes are up to modern standards. The stereotype of the immigrant fresh from the border holding a taco and wearing a sombrero is no longer accurate. Chimichangas and Yankee caps are now what’s chic for the illegal alien population.”

Officers from other states are even clamoring to sign up. Longtime citizen and self-professed American hero Chuck Smith from Alabama claims: “Racial profiling has been a hidden but essential component in American patriotism. I am happy to see that my deep-seated hate of people who don’t like Nascar and Mountain Dew has been correct all along. My services are needed here in the great state of Arizona. I look to further hone my illegal-alien-hatin’ skills and get ‘er done.”

When asked if the curriculum would comply with the 14th Amendment, an audible groan and a mumbled, “damn, forgot about that one” followed by an “I thought that only applied to slavery” was heard from the governor’s desk.