SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck.

Just as Martín Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby Louis room.

“No!” Natalie screamed. “I cannot let you be confirmed, for you are mi hijo!”

Lobos, dumbstruck, dropped his ASG-funded non-single-use gavel and stared into his mother’s eyes as tears began to form in his. Time stood still as madre and hijo rushed towards each other, until Leticia Perdigón senator from el CRC stood up and spoke.

“Martín may be your son, but he is my lover,” the woman professed. “That’s right,” she continued, “Martín and I are in love, and there’s nothing any of you can do to change how we feel!”

“It is true, mother,” Lobos proclaimed, stopping short. “We have been in love for over a month now, and I can no longer hide it! She has my corazón all to herself.”

The story might have ended there, but the saga continued. The door to the senate burst open unexpectedly for the second time that noche, this time bringing a saddened man before the senate.

“Me llamo es Federico Álvarez De Toledo, and I am Leticia’s husband,” he pronounced.

A few sharp cries rang out in la Sala del Noroeste, before a silence fell as thick as the stupor induced by politically-incorrect tequila. You could cut the tension with a machete. All eyes were on Leticia as hers darted left and right, back and forth between Federico and Martín.

“It’s true,” she said, solemnly. “Federico is my husband of four years, but we have grown so distant… My eyes now are for only Martín!”

“As are mine!” Federico declared. “We have been lovers for the past year.”

And with that, Federico strode up to where Martín was standing and kissed him passionately on the lips. They embraced for two entire seconds before Martín shoved Federico away, a disgusted look on his face.

“What are you doing?!” Martín asked, confused. “I don’t even know who any of you are. Or what I’m doing here. What the hell is going on?”

“¡Ay dios mio!” Natalie yelled. “He must have amnesia!”

Join us next week, when ASG still won’t confirm anyone to be Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion.

EVANSTON — According to inside sources, ASG presidential candidates were disappointed that poor election day weather led to low voter turnout. Candidate Aaron Zelikovich has claimed that cold weather, accompanied by snow flurries, half-frozen rain, and “good ol’ fashioned Midwestern hail,” deterred many who would have otherwise gone out and voted for him.

Similarly, political strategists for David Harris and Jo Lee were adamant that had the weather been better, voter turnout amongst seniors, who traditionally support candidates with their platform, would have led the candidates to victory. Campaign insiders also pointed out that on-campus polling places also discriminate against off-campus residents, since they often do not have a reason to leave their apartments on Fridays.

Harris had harsh words for the controversial voting regulations that stipulated students that students must provide both a NetID and its corresponding password when accessing the polling place. “It drives down the turnout of minority students,” argued Harris, explaining that such students did not receive a NetID or password when entering the university. “It certainly didn’t help us this time around.”

“Maybe we should implement a voting system that allows people to vote whenever, wherever they want,” said an anonymous campaign strategist for Zelikovich. “I hear in Oregon everyone mails in their votes. We should really look into that.” Another anonymous strategist was heard complaining about the lack of centrally located student center, which according to the strategist, would have made voting much easier for everyone.

Following defeat, Benison Choi plans on spending more time with his family.

EVANSTON — ASG held an open forum last Thursday, but no students attended. What does NU think?

Bill Borgens, Secretary of the Taco Bell Appreciation Club
“That’s too bad. It would have been interesting to hear what the student body thought about ASG’s plans to divest from the panda fur coat industry.”

Cassandra Kendall, Vice President of the Advanced Checkers Club
“This is news?”

Stacy Kaplan, Social Media Coordinator of the Walk of Shame Watchers
“I’m sure more students would have attended if they had heard about it, but without Wifi on the Lakefill, we were all in the dark.”

Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Esteemed senators, desperate wannabes.

Three years ago, I attended a senate meeting. I don’t remember what the meeting was about, and I doubt anyone still remembers it. All I remember is that a lengthy argument broke out over whether a non-senator in attendance in place of an absent senator could vote in a procedural vote based on Robert’s Rules of Order. Then, two hours into debate, the senators realized a key subcommittee member was absent and decided it was only fair to table the topic, hence wasting everyone’s time.

I remember thinking, just what on earth is wrong with these people?

Today, I can tell that much has changed since. For one thing, the composition of the senate changes often enough to suit the tastes of the reigning president. The subtle changes are duly noted by the remaining three students who read The Daily Northwestern cover to cover on a daily basis.

No more are the days when everyone thought it was acceptable to waste time on procedural matters. Indeed, the senate now occupies itself with matters much less idiotic; the likes of whether it should congratulate a dead president’s birthday through what is essentially the equivalent of writing “happy birthday” on someone’s Facebook wall. I must say that I do feel bad for President Reagan for that tremendous snub from a group mostly made of flaming liberals. I bet he never saw that coming.

Yes, it’s also definitely important that we lobby our senators to support stronger gun control. Because if the combined voice of Northwestern students didn’t intervene, Senators Dick Durbin and Mark Kirk would totally vote to legalize rocket-propelled grenades, right? The “F” and “D” ratings they got from the NRA totally mean they’re total gun nuts who, save for the morally righteous outcries of Northwestern students, wouldn’t stop till there’s a pistol in every hand, a shotgun in every house, right? How long do I have to wait till I get calls from Phonathon asking me to donate to the ASGPAC?

By the way, the next time we vote for senators, I would like to see their written statements of positions on the following issues:
*New Student Center Initiative
*Marriage equality
*Construction on campus
*Boxers or Briefs?
*Lance Armstrong
*The Keg of Evanston
*Obamacare
*Coach Carmody’s contract
*Yen devaluation
*Thrift shops: awesome or fucking awesome?
*Hot cookie bar

Silly me, I don’t get to vote for senators. In fact, four in ten Northwestern students don’t get to vote for senators. The eight senators supposedly representing off-campus students are appointed by a committee. You know what other government appoints members of its legislature? Most of them have “People’s,” “Democratic,” “Islamic,” or “Kingdom” in their official titles.

What’s that? Am I a senator? No. It doesn’t matter. I’m still allowed to participate in debates. Oh just stop. You can take that point of order and stick it up your…

The Flipside would like to remind our readers that the Associated Student Government is an important organization within Northwestern that strives to improve the lives of students. Most importantly, they partially fund The Flipside, just as long as our printed issues are not confused as fliers.

EVANSTON — After the 2012 student surveys, both North Campus and South Campus members of the Associated Student Government reached an agreement to curb long lines at Frontera Fresco. The compromise represented a significant policy shift for North Campus members in order to appease their more liberal counterparts.

“There’s clearly a change in demographics,” said North Campus Minority Leader Mitch Levy. His party has typically supported old-fashioned gender policies (through single-sex Greek houses), advanced interrogation (hazing), and the opposition of government funded of contraceptives (“because it feels so much better without it, bro”).

“Students just aren’t willing to wait in a line longer than the gap between Northwestern winning a bowl game, no matter how inedible the food is in Willie’s Food Court,” he added.

The “path to the front of the line” requires student to pass several checkpoints. A new wildcard-verify system has been put in place to ensure students are not illegally using stolen student IDs. Two new employees—modeled after Burger King’s security team, a highly trained special forces unit trained to protect very valuable goods—patrol the line to make sure nobody cuts.

South Campus representatives applauded the shift, saying it’s about time ASG got something—anything—done. They hope this bipartisan action will help them pass their other policies on this incredibly divided campus, such as the “liberal arts plan,” which eliminates of all grades besides As, and a jungle juice ban that could put an end to kool-aid-related-sexual-assault-cases once and for all.

Still, not everyone is happy with the changes. North Campus Junior Senator Jan Brewerson said that allowing people in the soup line to then stay in the sandwich line amounts to amnesty. She also believes only Northwestern students should be allowed to wait in line.

“Northwestern students earned Frontera by getting 33s on their ACTs and finishing in the top ten percent of their high school classes,” Brewerson said. “In America you have to earn things. Frontera is our Mexican food.”

EVANSTON — After five clueless freshmen and about twenty equally clueless sorority recruits walked into the Public Affairs Residential College (PARC) thinking it was Parkes Hall, the residents of PARC have petitioned ASG to change the name of Parkes Hall. “It was sort of funny the first two times when freshmen entered our dorm looking for their classes in here, but it gets really annoying when strangers roam our dorm looking for classrooms that don’t exist because they don’t comprehend the difference between PARC and Parkes,” commented Joe Granger, a bereaved SESP sophomore.

Some new names that were suggested include Ryan Place, Pancoe Hall, Foster Hall, McCormick Hall, Searle Complex, and Swift Center. Alicia Dougal, one of the student leaders in the petition charge, explained, “We gave it a lot of thought and we finally narrowed down our list to these names because we really wanted to avoid future confusion with other buildings.”

Many students who don’t live in PARC have also supported the petition. “It’s very embarrassing to walk into the wrong building to find a class,” said Kyle Doorman, a freshman who was victimized by the two buildings’ similar names. “I hope by changing the name [of Parke’s Hall], future freshmen will avoid the mistakes I made.”

Meanwhile, Parkes Hall has filed a counter-petition demanding that PARC change its name to CRAP. Claire Garrett, a PARC resident, commented, “Oh well, everyone calls it that anyway.”

EVANSTON — After nearly four months of construction, Frontera Fresco, the newest addition to the epicurial cornucopia of dining options at Northwestern University’s Norris University Center, opened on Friday, November 30th.

While the eatery’s nearly mythically slow completion led many students to believe it was managed by whoever put that equally mythical Einstein’s in (Tech? Pancoe? Is it even real?), it is, in fact, owned by Chicago chef and restaurateur Rick Bayless, who says he hopes to bring more upscale cuisine to Northwestern.

“I know it will be hard to compete with the gourmet hot dog options available at Tech Express,” Bayless told The Flipside, “but I think the use of fresh, locally-grown ingredients and very-nearly Mexican food options makes Frontera really unique.”

When further pressed on where “locally-grown” vegetables would be sourced from in an urban area, Bayless said he hadn’t thought it through all that well, but the most economical option was a small, cooperative farm manned by unemployed theater and communications majors.

ASG representatives were lucky enough to sample some of Frontera’s special dishes early at their annual “How to Spend Money on What Northwestern Doesn’t Need Dinner.”

“We thought it might be a challenge to come up with a worse idea than WiFi on the lakefill,” the ASG president told members, “but then the executive board and I had this great idea that we could use the 10K Initiative to bring in a Chipotle, and maybe even put it in that equally unnecessary new Bienen building? Or what about the new SPAC? That could be even worse!”

The yes-vote was unanimous.

As of press time only six non-ASG students had heard that Frontera Fresco had opened. While Global Studies major Harriet Myers was quick call the cuisine as “genuine as the Melville J. Herzowits Africana Studies Library [on the fifth floor of Main],” Weinberg sophomore and Nebraska native Haley Michaels said that not only does Frontera provide the corn fix she’s been missing, but that the new addition to NU Cuisine’s culinary diversity has really broadened her cultural horizons. “Like last year on Cinco de Mayo I had a tamale at Hinman, which was gross, but now I’ll definitely make sure my family my family tries ‘Taco the Town’ back in Omaha!”

ASG Candidate Campaigning on “More Recess, Less Homework” Platform

By Capt. David F. Xavier Rubino, M.D., Esq.

EVANSTON – Northwestern students will have a whole slew of new meal plans to choose from when they return in the fall. After nearly a decade, researchers seeking the least optimal plans for the student body have finally reached a consensus.

“It all started when students began voicing their complaints”, former ASG Student Life VP Matt Belassai told The Flipside. “They would fill out surveys denoting how dissatisfied they were with the overall services, and naturally this led us to the conclusion that students felt they weren’t being challenged enough in this aspect of their lives.” As it is ASG’s role to look out for the students as much as they can, they took the problem into their own hands.

The student government began tweaking the ways in which meals would be divvied up among students across campus. What began as something as preposterously easy as meal costs divisible by seven (“elementary mathematics,” says Belassai) has grown to trying out all manner of prime numbers. For a brief period of time, 11 meals a week were offered, until the government “struck gold” with the seemingly unlearnable 13 meal-a-week plan now typically offered. However, somehow students managed to work this into the rhythm of their schedules, and ASG was compelled to add even more confounding factors to the process.

For a few years following, students became accustomed to seeing new and inventive methods of getting fed up. First was “points”, exactly the same as actual dollars, simply mislabeled in an effort to create what was described as a “treasure hunt” mentality among the students as they struggled to keep track of this new fantasy currency. Then came Munch Money, which are also the exact same as dollars — but transferring funds between points and Munch Money is forbidden. As the years stretched on, however, more and more students became too savvy about finding workarounds, and the administration used a final tactic: equivalency. Arbitrary plans could be used for their “point” amount at select locations, while others couldn’t, often based on little to no reasoning. This managed to finally cause the mental gridlock that ASG was looking for, but recently, those dreaded complaint letters started to come back.

Fast-forward to the future, and it seems that Belassai and his successor have finally hit upon the secret formula for optimal confusion. The Flipside was able to get a small preview of the plans to be offered:

“Lunar” Plan

• Students may or may not be able to eat, as denoted by cross checking a moon phases and zodiac sign chart.
• 2.73 meals a week may be used at retail locations

“Globetrotter” Plan

• 1 point a day, non-rollover
• Students living on south campus will be required to eat at Elder, while students up north will be relegated to 1835.

“Spice o’ Life” Plan

• a student may not eat anything they have previously eaten that year, including relevant permutations.
• full equivalency at all retail locations.

“Thinker” Plan

• the number of meals a week is equal to the number of meals used the previous week, divided by the week of the quarter and multiplied by the average # used a week.