Dear NU Flipside,

Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely,
James Walshington

Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival procedure for such an event. First, it is important that that you properly protect yourself against the undead. We suggest a shotgun and perhaps a machete. Flamethrowers work nicely as well. Next, you will need a place to ride out the initial infection. Malls have been scientifically proved to be the best strongholds against zombies. We suggest that you camp out on the roof of the Old Orchard Mall and wait for the zombies to starve to death, as our intensive research has shown is inevitable. Once the danger has passed, you may proceed to repopulate the world as you see fit.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Why don’t you have any “Area Woman” articles? It seems like you only ever write articles about men.

Sincerely,
Sheila Von Ontario

Dear Sheila,

The main reason that the Flipside is so testosterone-fueled is that women rarely do anything stupid enough for us to bother writing articles about them. It’s so much easier to make up funny stories about some drunken dude’s escapades than it is to find humor in cooking and cleaning.

I mean, look at Frances Willard. I doubt if she ever did anything worth satirizing. Actually, the real reason that all the articles are about guys is that there isn’t a single woman on the Flipside staff (hint, hint). It’s just a bunch of dudes sitting around pulling mildly offensive jokes out of nowhere.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com.

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Why do you assholes keep putting stuff in my mailbox?

Yours Truly,

Gerd Höffenhauer

Well Gerd, some people actually appreciate receiving The Flipside every week. Actually, the fact that you don’t appreciate The Flipside would seem to indicate that you are not human. So we at The Flipside have a question for you: What the fuck are you? Are you a Dementor? Are you Ann Coulter? Or a zombie perhaps? Or maybe you are just a humorless prude who can’t take a good joke. If that’s the case, we are truly sorry. Truly sorry indeed.

Either way, you will continue to receive The Flipside free of charge in the hopes that your humanity will be restored. You’re welcome.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com.