Dear McCormick,
My food-and-money machines keep trying to talk to me. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Oh My Ford

Hypothesis: In all probability, yo How To Get Back Your Girl u should answer them. There are a few magic words that increase their responsiveness to your commands and may present future benefits. Be sure to add the following to your vocabulary: please, thank you, and I love you. Your food-and-money machines, or parents as most people call them, also like being addressed by their names. For future reference, these are “mom” and “dad.”

Parents appreciate being called. By you. On the phone. Do this at least once a week, and tell them things about yourself. And “things about yourself” does not include anything about alternative energy or the fact that Design for America is mostly led by people from other countries.

Next, know how to calm your parents down. Exercise and alcohol are great methods for this, so be sure to take your parents for a walk or suggest they have a glass of red wine with dinner. This prepares your parents for our final step:

Ask for money and food. That’s what they’re here for, anyway.

Hola McCormick,
Like many of my engineering brethren, my chest is challenged in the area of follicularity. What can I do to become more pronounced in this area?
Sincerely,
Tormented in Tech

Hypothesis: You’re right. Many engineers don’t have chest hair. The most sensible thing to do is to get over it and continue studying thermodynamics, but as you know, that isn’t always possible. Anyway, here are a few tips that should enhance your hairiness:

1. Rub butter over your chest. The enzymes will stimulate your hair follicles.
2. Pray. Most of you are heathen atheists, and God may have smote you with the body of a 10-year-old boy for this transgression.
3. Felt and superglue can create natural-looking faux chest-hair.
4. Take male-enhancement drugs. Most of them don’t do what they’re advertised to do anyway. Perhaps one of the side-effects will solve your problem.

Thanks for writing in!

Dear McCormick,
There’s this cute girl in one of my distro classes. Do you have any dating advice?
Sincerely,
Pining in Public Speaking

Hypothesis: ….
…processing…
….

How To Get Back Your Girl

FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus.

“I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death. “I forgot to take the toast out of the toaster, and it got burnt. But it was burnt with the fire of the Holy Spirit.”

“I don’t know where I’d be without that toast,” Curtis continued. He did agree, however, that he probably wouldn’t be in a bed in the Frankfort Regional Medical Center, with tubes pumping chemicals into his body to delay inevitable organ failure, nurses coming every hour to scrape the spreading mold off his skin and into biohazard containers, and a Bible clutched to his chest.

“I am glad to be here, though,” Curtis added. “God has shown me the light.” Curtis gestured to the fluorescent light in the ceiling, and continued, “I do not need my corporeal body any more. I have been transformed by this portentous bread. Some people say it’s just toast. The doctors say it was just toast contaminated by flesh-eating microbes. But I know it was toast infused with the divine trinity, a direct message from God to me.”

When Curtis’s heart-rate monitor began beeping quickly and loudly as the devilish mold began to devour its way into his veins, Curtis sighed contentedly, and asked, “Do you hear that? It’s a chorus of angels. I’ve never heard a more beautiful melody.” The monitor then switched to one steady, high-pitched tone.

Memorial services for Adam Curtis (1971 – 2012) will be held at the Good Shepherd Roman Catholic Church, Monday at 2:00.