EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom.

When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were going to put something like that in there it’d be sort of up front, but it was all, like, shoved in the bottom under all the bubble-wrap.” Crowley paused and turned the package over in his hands. “It was almost like it wasn’t supposed to be there.”

The condom, which is a Trojan Sensitivity BareSkin Lubricated Latex, was in pristine condition. Crowley’s roommate, Medill freshman Nick Buckholtz, shared, “It’s pretty hilarious, actually. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of condoms in my day, but that one Hank has is, like, a nice-ass condom.”

“Shit.” Buckholtz added, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

Sources have since confirmed that Nick Buckholtz is a huge fucking douchebag.

Adding to the mystery of the condom is the note left by Crowley’s parents. While Crowley has stated that the vast majority of the note contains “pretty run-of-the-mill” news from home, the letter concludes with, “Stay safe!” followed by a heart and a signature from both of the boys’ parents.

“Do you think that’s just a regular old ‘stay safe?’” Crowley asked, “Or is it like the other kind, you know, like . . . for that stuff?”

Crowley initially thought to place the condom safely in the top drawer of his desk, but after a moment of deliberation, began figuring out how to fit it into his wallet. “That’s what they do, right?” the flustered boy asked, looking like he had stumbled upon some alien substance or some shit like that. “Isn’t that where it’s supposed to go? Like, so you can use it for later or—or something?”

Investigators have gathered that the condom never actually found its way to Crowley’s wallet, and instead still resides in his sweaty, fidgeting hands. “It had to have been a mistake by Mom and Dad, don’t you think?” The boy paced back and forth, turning the wrapper over so he could read the label for the fifteenth time. “They—they wouldn’t expect me to be, like, using this thing. No, it fell in there by accident.” Crowley then nodded affirmatively, and tossed the contraceptive onto his desk.

Nick Buckholtz seemed to agree with his roommate. “Yeah, it was definitely not in there for real. Hank’s parents probably know that their kid’s chance of getting anywhere near some va-jay-jay is pretty much microscopic, so they definitely wouldn’t give him a jimmy. I mean, come on, look at him.”

In the days since the care package was delivered, the condom remains unused. However, three more packages have been delivered to Hank Crowley, containing canned pineapple, a massaging neck pillow, and a tube of Astroglide.

EVANSTON – Late last Saturday night, one of the leaders of the pro-diversity student group “The Collective” walked in on the Northwestern ski team’s “Racist Olympics” party, creating what awkwardologists are calling the “pinnacle of human awkwardness.”

Partygoers were encouraged to wear offensive racial outfits; for example, the South African team wore white t-shirts and black pants to symbolize the “white on top, black on bottom” social dynamic of the country. To say that this created an awkward moment when non-white students learned of the party is a severe understatement.

“It is simply quite astounding,” said Dr. David Howard, one of the top scientists and professors at Harvard University’s Awkward Sciences Program. “The awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.”

In layman’s terms, a single Michaelcerawatt is a unit of extreme awkwardness. The blast’s power was roughly equivalent to walking in on your parents having S&M sex in your room, while simultaneously farting really loudly in front of your crush, while accidentally going on a blind date with your ex. Also, for the purposes of the measurement, you are Michael Cera.

Witnesses say that the official confrontation was so awkward, nobody on the ski team was able to form a coherent, grumble free sentence for days. One ping pong ball that was midair actually stopped its flight path and fell straight down due to sheer embarrassment. According to Flipside sources, every single conversation in a five mile radius suddenly stopped for at least 45 seconds due to the blast.

The awkward-blast’s aftershock registered at 7.8 Michaelcerawatts when the ski team released a letter apologizing only for getting caught.

EVANSTON – With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, NU couples have been struggling to accommodate romance in an atmosphere known for hectic schedules and awkward underclassmen. Some couples are planning to mark the occasion with dinner and a movie, but most have resigned themselves to spending the most romantic night of the year writing essays on Keynesian economics. Regardless, I spoke to four NU undergrads to find out how they plan to make Valentine’s Day completely unbearable for their partner.

Jimmy Doyle (WCAS ’12) announced that he “really [didn’t] have time to celebrate a pointless, phony Hallmark-holiday” with long-term girlfriend Anne Russo (SoC ’12), but that she was “totally cool with it.” Reports indicate that Doyle will spend the evening watching reruns of The Daily Show on Hulu, while Russo intends to spend the evening with Doyle’s best friend.

Sophomore Joel Barish (Bienen ’13), a self-proclaimed “hopeless romantic,” has been obsessively fretting over the holiday for the past month, ensuring that every minor detail is accounted for:

“I found a schmaltzy French romance for us to watch in my room,” Joel exclaimed with a sigh of relief. “It’s called The French Connection. My roommate doesn’t have a girlfriend, so I told him to stay someplace else for the night – people without dates should really be considerate of others’ plans, especially on Valentine’s Day.”

Following the undeniable passion that Barish believes will stem from watching a movie on a 10-inch laptop screen (sitting in separate chairs), the sophomore intends to take his valentine out for the finest banquet NU Cuisine has to offer.

Finally, the evening will be concluded with a romantic stroll around Lake Michigan (temperatures for the 14^th are forecast around 7^oF) before promptly returning his girlfriend to her dorm at 10 PM sharp.

As of press time, Barish is still trying to pick out a convenience store card that exactly expresses his true feelings.

Freshman Patrick Moore (Medill ’14) has been courting dorm-mate Jessica Friedkin (WCAS ’14) for the past six days, and intends to use the holiday to “sweep [Jessica] off her feet.” Despite Valentine’s Day being the couple’s second date, Moore has already made a reservation at Evanston’s finest Italian bistro, where he intends to surprise Friedkin with an expensive necklace purchased after consulting both his and Friedkin’s mothers.

“Jessie said that she doesn’t see us working as a couple,” Moore stated while fidgeting nervously, “so I’m gonna have to try extra hard to win her over! I already got fitted for a tux, and I may even tell her I love her!”

A final student, Eddie Farber (SESP ’13), came forward with a highly controversial plan for the evening:

“I’m going to give her a box of chocolates and tell her how special she is to me. Does it really need to be any more fucking complicated than that?”