FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus.
“I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death. “I forgot to take the toast out of the toaster, and it got burnt. But it was burnt with the fire of the Holy Spirit.”
“I don’t know where I’d be without that toast,” Curtis continued. He did agree, however, that he probably wouldn’t be in a bed in the Frankfort Regional Medical Center, with tubes pumping chemicals into his body to delay inevitable organ failure, nurses coming every hour to scrape the spreading mold off his skin and into biohazard containers, and a Bible clutched to his chest.
“I am glad to be here, though,” Curtis added. “God has shown me the light.” Curtis gestured to the fluorescent light in the ceiling, and continued, “I do not need my corporeal body any more. I have been transformed by this portentous bread. Some people say it’s just toast. The doctors say it was just toast contaminated by flesh-eating microbes. But I know it was toast infused with the divine trinity, a direct message from God to me.”
When Curtis’s heart-rate monitor began beeping quickly and loudly as the devilish mold began to devour its way into his veins, Curtis sighed contentedly, and asked, “Do you hear that? It’s a chorus of angels. I’ve never heard a more beautiful melody.” The monitor then switched to one steady, high-pitched tone.
Memorial services for Adam Curtis (1971 – 2012) will be held at the Good Shepherd Roman Catholic Church, Monday at 2:00.