BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags.

This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse.  Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had started.

Tensions were running high throughout all of last week. Following the Yankees/Rays game, Boston general manager Theo Epstein spoke out, bringing allegations of under-the-table dealings on the part of the New York management.

“They clearly threw the game. That was such a dick move,” Epstein remarked.

Northwestern alumnus and Yankees skipper Joe Girardi was quick to counter the accusation, explaining to reporters that he was simply honoring New York’s “proud century-old tradition of selfish assholery.”

“I wasn’t raised to fix games! It’s not in my DNA!” said Girardi. “We were a lock for the playoffs, so we stopped playing our stars. By God, when the Yankees fuck Boston over, we fuck ‘em over right,” he said.

The results of the investigation were released publicly last night.  Upon hearing that Boston planned to appeal the decision, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez addressed the media.  “Sucks to suck!” the once-relevant infielder shouted.

When asked who should be responsible for the nightmarish end to the season, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia spoke to the press from a high-chair.  Pedroia said, “you’ve gotta tip your cap to those guys, this team will definitely bounce back, it is what it is,” and other annoying baseball cliches. Sources say the All-Star second baseman had been drinking since the third inning.

The investigation also exposed a shocking new development to sports fans across the country: For the first time in decades, the Baltimore Orioles have been demonstrated by field researchers to actually exist when baseball matters. In response to learning this, Orioles’ slugger Nick Markakis said, “Wait, seriously?! Who would’ve thought?”

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him.

“I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens lamented. “Instead, everyone just shrugged and went back to what they were doing.”

The subdued reaction from White Sox fans is a far cry from the attention Cubs fans gave to a fan who similarly interfered. ESPN recently released the documentary Catching Hell about a Cubs fan who caught a foul ball during Game 6 of the 2003 playoffs and was subsequently stalked, harassed, and threatened by the media and fans.

“I was expecting the whole star treatment too. Movie deal, crazed fans sending death threats, reporters stalking me in the parking lot, the whole shebang,” whined Stevens.

Instead, Stevens was completely ignored. The White Sox officials told him he could try to sell the ball online for a couple of bucks.

“I’m trying to pay off my mortgage! That Cubs ball went for over $100,000. I’ve got no bids on Ebay, and it started at $1. That’s cheaper than a new ball at Walmart!” Stevens grumbled.

Even the media is not interested; ESPN refuses return his calls, and the Chicago Tribune has filed for a restraining order. The Spartan Banner, the school paper from a local high school whose students attended the game as a field trip, covered the story without mentioning Stevens.

The Flipside decided to publish this article after Stevens begged in person. The third time Stevens approached the Flipside for attention, he burst into tears, prompting one sympathetic writer to spend her coffee break on this story.

“I never would have caught this ball had I known how little people would care,” Stevens muttered. “I had planned on taunting Ozzie at a press conference, but they even took that away from me.”

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

EVANSTON—In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised.

“Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed for years, and they can’t even get the school together.”

Added Newberg, “No excuse.”

Though the future Maroons live in mortal fear of the thrashing to be handed down, some Northwestern players understand their reluctance. “I’d feel bad if we shamed them handily every week,” remarked catcher Andrew Smith “the UChicago guys would never get the grass stains out of their dresses.”

At press time, the future UChicago men’s team is likely preparing for the sting of endless unsuccessful courtships.

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated from professional baseball.

The Cubs and MLB agreed to these terms late Sunday evening. “We found it to be a fair trade,” says Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve gone too long without winning a championship. If we can’t win the World Series with steroids, we’ll never do it, so really being kicked out of baseball doesn’t sound that bad, it will just end the misery…kind of like suicide.”

The commissioner was reluctant to sign off on the deal at first, but then remembered how steroids used to be good for baseball. “Steroids have done a lot for the game; I mean there were more homeruns, which was kickass,” explained Bud Selig in a press conference. “But then people found out about it and now they don’t like it. Also, I guess I’d like to see the Cubs win, but not even a deal with the Devil will make that happen.”

This has created uproar amongst many of the players who have been ostracized for using steroids. There are some, however, with a dissenting view. “It’s kind of like when you’re winning big in basketball,” notes Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter, “and you stop taking three’s and put in your bench players. There’s no real reason to shove it in their faces, which is something the Cubs have been on the wrong side of for too many years. This deal should, you know, level the playing field.”

This also adds some incentive for the players; either they win, or they’re out of work. The steroids should help, but they’re still the Cubs, so put your “It’s Gonna Happen” sign down and find a new team to root for in 2010.