EVANSTON – In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised.

“Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed for years, and they can’t even get the school together.”

Added Newberg, “No excuse.”

Though the future Maroons live in mortal fear of the thrashing to be handed down, some Northwestern players understand their reluctance. “I’d feel bad if we shamed them handily every week,” remarked catcher Andrew Smith “the UChicago guys would never get the grass stains out of their dresses.”

At press time, the future UChicago men’s team is likely preparing for the sting of endless unsuccessful courtships.

CHICAGO – Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated from professional baseball.

The Cubs and MLB agreed to these terms late Sunday evening. “We found it to be a fair trade,” says Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve gone too long without winning a championship. If we can’t win the World Series with steroids, we’ll never do it, so really being kicked out of baseball doesn’t sound that bad, it will just end the misery…kind of like suicide.”

The commissioner was reluctant to sign off on the deal at first, but then remembered how steroids used to be good for baseball. “Steroids have done a lot for the game; I mean there were more homeruns, which was kickass,” explained Bud Selig in a press conference. “But then people found out about it and now they don’t like it. Also, I guess I’d like to see the Cubs win, but not even a deal with the Devil will make that happen.”

This has created uproar amongst many of the players who have been ostracized for using steroids. There are some, however, with a dissenting view. “It’s kind of like when you’re winning big in basketball,” notes Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter, “and you stop taking three’s and put in your bench players. There’s no real reason to shove it in their faces, which is something the Cubs have been on the wrong side of for too many years. This deal should, you know, level the playing field.”

This also adds some incentive for the players; either they win, or they’re out of work. The steroids should help, but they’re still the Cubs, so put your “It’s Gonna Happen” sign down and find a new team to root for in 2010.