LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.”

Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered some sort of key, but I’m not biting just yet,” said Stern through mouthfuls of gold-encrusted caviar flakes. “If the lockout belt is going to be unlatched, Mr. Bryant will need to bring something else to the table in these negotiations. We need to stop with the prenuptials and get this relationship back on track. Put a ring on this finger.” Beyonce Knowles refused to comment, despite having recorded the best video of all time on the subject.

Having made an impulse purchase of a dozen diamond rings in 2003, after meeting a 19-year old pawn dealer in Eagle County, Colorado, Bryant was well prepared for this response. “I kind of expected this reaction, but I’m not sweating. The Black Mamba always finds a way to slither into the underbrush.”

Other NBA players are not quite sold on the new negotiation tactic, now being referred to by Metta World Peace (née Ron Artest, really) as “Please the White Man.”

Recently, humility advocate LeBron James met with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, to discuss the possibility of playing an entirely new sport. “I think I’m taking my talents to South Wales,” stated the athlete. Sandy Brown, general manager of the South Wales Fencing team, was thrilled to hear the new announcement. “We couldn’t be more excited to have to Tiger Woods come play for us.”

The following afternoon, paparazzi captured an image of Delonte West passionately embracing Kutilda Woods, Tiger’s proud mother.

While no final solution has been reached between the two bickering parties, ESPN NBA Analyst Jhadi White made a poignant point about the state of the basketball union: “It’s like the Civil War. Bryant plowed the fields of ole’ David E. Lee’s untamed turf. But we don’t have a Dominatrix Court House situation yet.”

The 8th-seeded Indiana Pacers have put up a surprisingly tough fight against the Chicago Bulls, pretty much winning the first game  99-104. In the second game, they again scored about as many points as the Bulls.

“I’m really pleased with how our team competed,” said Frank Vogel, who is practically their head coach. “If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”

The Pacers have played with a lot of heart, which has pleased announcers in the same way people smile when a dyslexic kid accidentally writes his numbers in the right order. People across the state of Indiana are applauding the effort of their almost-.500 team. Fans say it has made them feel better about being in a state nearly worth living in and basically having a job.

“I didn’t expect it to be much of a series,” admits Charles Barkley, who is virtually a genius if you change his IQ score. “But these feisty Pacers have put the ball in the hoop several times and have tried really hard.”

“I just didn’t see it coming,” Barkley added.

Basketball has been good to the state of Indiana in 2011, with the Butler Bulldogs essentially winning the college basketball championship for the second straight year, if you don’t count the final game.

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy.

“I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.”

Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this is what they want to be doing. Back again will be exciting clips of NBA players doing what NBA players do best: dunking a small ball into a hoop, getting tattoos, and driving expensive cars around.

“Thank God I don’t have to shovel snow with inner-city school kids anymore,” said 15-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. “Now I can get back to what I really care about—working on my free throws.”

NBA Doesn’t Care reverts back to neglecting the communities that support the league and who look up to athletes as role models.

“Seriously, why the hell are kids looking up to me as a role model?” asked Allen Iverson.

“Why we talkin’ about charity? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talking about charity. Not a game, not a game: charity,” Iverson added.  

However, projections show that NBA Doesn’t Care will generate more money than the older program due to its other provisions, added to compensate for the loss of revenue. Capital will be raised by allowing players to donate money to see refs physically swallow their whistles and dunk them in dunk tanks. Viewers will also be allowed to place bets on various refs fighting Rasheed Wallace in boxing matches.

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d meet him there,” the point guard explained, “but when I got to the room, there wasn’t so much as a Koosh hoop anywhere in sight.”

Vineyard explained that when Stephens entered the room, his gym attire and the orange ball in his hands initially confused the other attendees. However, his appearance was quickly forgotten in a chorus of “Hey!!!!” and Vineyard yelling, “SHOTS!!! FOR THIS GUY!” This seemed to delight Stephens, who then said, “Shots sounds good. I need to work on my jumper. Where are we going, exactly?”

The partygoers explained the Stephens that the party was right here, and he was about to get hammered. Stephens took offensive to this, replying, “I might be small, but no one throws down the hammer dunk on me. I’ll swat that shit away, no sweat.”

Eventually, Stephens began to lighten up, but retained his sporting personality throughout the pregame. When asked how he was doing, the point guard explained that he was just “taking it one drink at a time” and that he’ll “really need to step up at the actual party and give it his all.”

Stephens had reportedly been involved in a similar misunderstanding last week, when he wore his Sacramento Kings #4 jersey to a round of the drinking game of the same name.