EVANSTON — As the Big Ten Conference welcomed University of Maryland as its thirteenth member, members of Norris staff were heard complaining about the consequential decoration updates to the Big Ten Room. The meeting space, located on the first floor of Norris Student Center, features stunning views of Lake Michigan and walls decorated with picture frames of memorabilia from Big Ten member schools. Most recently, a framed poster of University of Nebraska was added when the school joined the conference in 2011.

“Honestly, it seems like we’re adding these all the time now,” lamented an anonymous Norris staff member. “I’m just so sick of it. Sooner or later we’re going to completely run out of wall space in this room. Can’t the Big Ten wait for us to finish building that new student center? Besides, what on earth is a terp?”

In order to make room for the new frame, staff members were seen replacing the Indiana University’s frame with a smaller hand-drawn picture of a five-year-old’s artistic interpretation of a “Hoosier.” Staff members were later observed throwing University of Iowa’s frame out by the lakefill fire pit.

Norris employees were last seen brainstorming for the appropriate memorabilia to place in the new frame. Ideas included aerial photography of the main campus building, photographs of Byrd Stadium which is still larger and nicer than Ryan Field, and delicious crab cakes.

When asked about Rutgers University, the staff outright refused to spend any more money on plastic picture frames, especially for The State University of New Jersey.

PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014.

“Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. “Ohio State will be able to go to a bowl game next year, Michigan and Northwestern are on the rise, and we really want Rutgers and Maryland in there to balance the conference out and maintain our trademarked shittiness going forward.”

Rutgers is enjoying a largely successful year, having won nine games already and consistently ranking in the top 25. Delany and the rest of the Big Ten are not worried, however, citing Rutgers’s embarrassing lost to Kent State and the fact that they are in the Big East, the very conference Delany strives to be like one day.

Maryland, on the other hand, is really looking like they belong in the Big Ten, going 4-7 on the year so far in the almost as weak ACC. After losing five in a row, the Big Ten had seen enough and immediately made them an offer to join as team #13.

“Sure, we were bad this year, but we’re not even close to what the Big East and ACC have achieved,” said Delany. “In hindsight, the Nebraska move was a bad idea. Michigan and Wisconsin are complaining that it adds another unnecessary hard game to their schedules. And we don’t want that.

He continued, “We like our top-tier teams to enjoy an easy 30 to 40 point win at least every other week. All I have to say is thank god for Illinois.”

At press time, the Big Ten was considering offering conference spots to South Dakota and Eastern Illinois to “further broaden [their] fan base.”

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.