HOLLYWOOD—Lionsgate Entertainment announced Tuesday that filmmaker Tyler Perry has plans to create a picture about African-Americans. The movie is to be released in theaters on October 23rd, but most critics are surprised that it managed to break free of the “straight-to-DVD” branding of most “stupid” movies.

“This is a huge step forward in filmmaking,” said Cornelius Jones, a Lionsgate executive. “Never before has there been a film geared mostly towards an ethnic audience about a single ethnic group. [Perry] is really stepping out of his comfort zone with this endeavor.”

Perry’s last picture grossed an astounding $40 million dollars, so the release of Madea Does Some Moderately Funny Shit may shape up to be not only a groundbreaking film, but also one that somehow actually makes a ton of money. The posthumous appearance of both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (making a cameo as Chef) should also boost sales. Furthermore, Oprah Winfrey endorsed the film as, “Practically as good as Roots, except without Willis from Different Strokes.” This kind of endorsement, judging by the success of A Million Little Pieces, could skyrocket Perry to super stardom.

Reportedly, UPN offered to buy the rights to a sitcom spin-off, starring one of the twins from Sister, Sister, Steve Harvey, and the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish. Says Maya Angelou, “At this rate, we could have a black President of the United States.”

WASHINGTON—In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported.

“President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received a bad rap ever since a black man or two started complaining.”

When asked if he would be in favor of reinstituting the Jim Crow Laws and torture of Guantanamo detainees, Cheney responded with the following:

“If we can go through the policy and conclude that it’s constitutional, we should do what we can to reinstitute old policies that are being tossed aside by the liberal majority. If we would just reconsider the idea of torture, we would realize that there’s nothing in the Constitution that explicitly forbids any kind of punishment just because it is cruel or unusual.”

Cheney’s next press conference, scheduled to be given this Thursday from Capitol Hill, will be on the importance of good cardiovascular health and reinstating the Compromise of 1850.