By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago

First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career.

I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re not supposed to let me get away with it! We’ve been doing the same dance since my daddy helped the mafia elect JFK, so why you gotta go and fuck with it now?

I skim enough from the coffers to run a third-world country; you find out and get all indignant that it’s somehow happening again; I spend a couple months in a minimum-security resort-prison; you watch a shitty Lifetime Original Movie about the ordeal, and I get to sail off into the sunset on my 50-foot yacht!

I mean, how could you not get me back in ’04?!? Blagojevich and I made Tammany Hall look like the fuckin’ Vatican! And the whole time; unencrypted emails, phone records, hotel receipts, the whole fucking nine yards! I put my own head on a silver platter for you dipshits, and if even a single one of you had bothered calling the Tribune, you could’ve won a Pulitzer, and I could have finally gotten a break from this goddawful job.

Rahm, if you’re reading this, know that you have my full blessing. May your scandals be discreet and non-treasonous. I’ll see you at the indictment, good buddy. But try not to take too long; I promised my son he’d get to be mayor too.

Evanston, IL- Prompted by the recent success of Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s talk about ethics at Northwestern University, New York governor David Paterson has decided to host a seminar about the importance of vision in government.

Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here to boost my profile. There is no way I will be found guilty when my trial resumes”.

In a matter allegedly unrelated to the aforementioned corruption trial, Blagojevich denies charges of scalping tickets for his free ethics discussion.

Following in the footsteps of Blagojevich, a fine gubernatorial role model, Patterson jumped on the idea for his speaking tour about vision. According to Governor Paterson, “My ability to see all my obstacles clearly without stumbling along the way has enabled me to excel in my partial term as governor.” He added, “Once and a while things get a little touch and go, but I have an acute sensory system, so that has not been a problem.”

Governor Paterson has had his own set of troubles since taking office, including repeated allegations of extra-marital affairs, drug use, and other major indiscretions. When asked about this personal turmoil in his short time as governor and why he recently announced, after stubbornly defying President Obama for months, that he is not seeking election to a full term in office, he responded, “I have been blindsided by unforeseen circumstances.”

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker.

Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative Bob Biggins sees an uncanny resemblance in NU’s loss to Blagojevich’s selling of Obama’s U.S. Senate seat. Biggins told The Flipside, “It’s clear Blagojevich was involved here. No one misses extra points! The only explanation can be that the kicker was bribed by Blagojevich. Mizzou must have then been contacted by Blagojevich, who was willing to sell the kicker’s foot.”

Many understand how a field goal can be missed, even in a dome. What makes Blagojevich’s involvement likely is the missed one point conversion. “It became too obvious at that point,” noted President-elect Barack Obama. “The Illinois Governor must have paid off the kicker. Even I could kick an extra point, despite the fact that I can only bowl a 35.”

The Feds have begun a separate investigation into the possibility of Blagojevich selling the NU kicker to Mizzou. It may also be apparent that Northwestern bought the extremely accurate Mizzou kicker from Blagojevich, as Mizzou missed a potential game winning field goal at the end of regulation. It is difficult to understand why only the kickers were bought off. Why would Blagojevich only sell the kickers? What happened to bribing the referees? Northwestern’s athletics have come a long way, but apparently have yet to learn the fundamentals of bribing. Northwestern will just have to wait until their next bowl game, in which we will party like it is 1949.