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Point: Vote for Soter
By Dan Mnemonic
Kevin Soter is a student at Northwestern University. He lives in Willard. It is for these reasons you should vote for him.
Counterpoint: If You’re a Voter, Don’t Pick Soter
By Hans Sardine
Doris McKenzie (83) was hospitalized last month with a serious, but curabl
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e lung illness. Doctors thought the prognosis was good for the mother of 3, grandmother of 11. Kevin Soter had other ideas. While Mrs. McKenzie was healing, Soter snuck into the hospital and, in cold blood, pulled out her breathing tube. She died in only 42 minutes. Unfortunately, thanks to fancy lawyering, Soter was sentenced to only 9 months probation.
But what is more depressing is the harsh aftermath of Soter’s crime. Mrs. McKenzie’s children were unable to pay back the bank, who had recently loaned her $500,000 for a new house. The failure to pay back this loan sent the bank so far in the red that they were forced to shut down. This set off a chain reaction, as other banks were forced to shut down, causing the financial crisis we are in today. So, when you’re dad gets laid off from work and you have to transfer to Amy Winehouse Community College because it’s all you can afford, you know who is to blame: Kevin Soter.
But after destroying the world economy, Soter decided to attack a larger target: Willard’s precious test files. His campaign for Academic Chair has already been marked by scandal: early last week, evidence was found linking him to known terrorist Anant Shah. Shah, the most actively sought member of the FBI’s Top 10 Most Wanted (See Room 515) and member of fringe organization American Emissaries for Truth, was reportedly working with Soter to send 3 tons of Uranium to Shepard. Is this traitor really a man we can trust? Moreover, videos of Soter have been uncovered in which he shouts all kinds of racial slurs, ranging from “#$&*” to “@#$%*&.”
Finally, even if these questions of character have not done enough to sway you, consider this: Soter’s roommate, Sam Fansler (who wished to remain anonymous), successfully stole his room keys and hid them in another student’s room. Soter, even after hours of looking, was unable to procure the keys. If this kind of ineptitude marks Soter’s personal life, how exactly can he handle the position of Academic Chair for this esteemed dormatory? Kevin Soter lost his keys. What will he do with your test files?
Let’s never find out.