EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities.

“It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him to go fuck himself before blowing his undead brains onto the wall, I’d have told you that you were nuts! It’s been my dream for 20 years!” Manson reported that he has gotten to meet many more famous reanimated corpses in the time since, and occasionally stops to pose for photos before unloading hot leaden fury.

“Let me show you my celebrity scrapbook!” Manson exclaimed like a giddy child. Rather than pull a photo album from a drawer, however, he removed a cooler from his freezer, and began to sort through various rotting appendages. “Let’s see… here’s Paul McCartney’s arm… Martin Scorsese’s head… Hitler’s only testicle…” Manson grinned from ear to ear:

“That was a fun one.”

Manson expressed his love for the state of anarchy that has fully penetrated nearly all developed nations worldwide.

“You’d think there’d be guidelines or somethin’ about how we have to kill the zombies; that we gotta be humane or shit like that, or that we gotta make sure they’re actually undead. Nope. Last night I shot Kanye West; he looked completely healthy to me, but I never could stand that self-involved little shit!” At this point, Manson cut the interview short, saying that he had “big plans” for the next morning.

“Rumor’s goin’ around that Glenn Beck’s infected!” Manson announced gleefully. “So I gotta get there early-there’s bound to be a line. This one’s been a long time coming, and I think that anyone with half a brain left has a bit of a bone to pick with mister Beck!” Manson walked over to his tool shed, emerging moments later with a variety of weapons:

“Which do you think that pig deserves more, the rusty mace or the jalapeño enema?”