CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.

We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean

By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins

British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking.  This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless.  This leak, which has been named “Deepwater Horizon,” is very difficult to control and gushes millions of gallons of oil every day. 

Sea life in the Gulf of Mexico is helpless to fight off the deadly oil; as a result, the biodiversity in affected areas is decreasing at an alarming rate.  Every organism is precious; as humans, we have no right to let them die because of our foolish actions.  We must find a way to halt the damage as soon as possible. 

Though pointing fingers is generally unproductive, BP has committed one of the most unforgivable and careless mistakes of the 21^st century, and an example should be made. Congress has taken little to no action to indict this company and force them to take responsibility for their failings; this shows the current problem with our world. We can avoid such tragedy in the future only by showing the world that carelessness is not to be tolerated.

I implore you all to think of the ecosystems, even the ones underwater hundreds of miles away.  If we don’t watch out for the animals living in and nearby the sea, who’s to say that we could protect animals on land?  After a certain point, there will not be enough clean earth for any significant amount of wildlife to subsist on — all because of human folly.

Not If You Don’t Give Two Shits About The Environment
By Earl Stevies

There’s nothin I hate more than city-slickers tellin me bout what I need to be doin. My old lady and I shop at Walmart and we’re God damn proud to use plastic plates and silverware for every meal. There specially good cause when I throw them plates at this here TV whenever I get angsty over a NASCAR race, it don’t break the TV.

This here environment thingy needs to mind its own business. I don’t give a rats batootie whether or not there’s oil in the ocean. Think about all the money them fishies and manatees goin be makin now that they got all that oil. Hell, I’ll take an oil leak any day in my trailer, make me a rich man. I’d buy one uh them, uh, fancy VCR’s so my cousin can come over and entertain his kids. Those damn fish might finally smarten up, stop getting duped by them earth worms. Those things are good though, can’t blame em for that.

Shit, I don’t even know where the Gulf of Mexico is or any of that nonsense. If you ask me, it seems like Mexico’s problem, I don’t see what Amurica got to do with it.

Really want to know whats I thinkin? I think that Hussein Obama sabotaged the oil rig so we have to switch to alternative energy like wind and all that other gay shit.

I ain’t gotta help clean nothin cause I don’t give a shit about no environment. What’s it ever done for me?