EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure.

1. Girl on Top

Girls, don’t be afraid to take control. When you find your next meal, don’t be shy: just jump on top and enjoy the fun of eating your victim’s brain. This position minimizes the amount of thrashing and flailing your man will do in his attempt to escape. Your meal is less likely to get away and you won’t have to hold down limbs to enjoy a brain in peace.

2. From Behind

There is something to be said about the pleasures of trying something that involves a little more skill. For those of you who want something a bit more challenging, I’d recommend trying to eat a brain from the back of a person’s head. The hair may get in the way a little bit and you might find the angle a bit awkward, but once you get the hang of it, it can be comforting to enjoy your meal without having to see the look of terror on the face of the person whose cerebellum you’re sucking out.

3.Standing Up

Want something really wild and crazy? How about eating your meal as it is in the process of running away from you? Try to position yourself in a way that helps you both be held up so that the meal can be enjoyed without putting too much strain on either of you. For an extra rush, try doing it somewhere semi-public—just try not to get caught!

Have fun, girls, and happy hunting!

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com