EVANSTON – With only several weeks before Spring quarter finals, some students are beginning to feel the pressure to perform well on final exams before the summer begins. However, this is not the case for Cynthia Tan, who will be finishing her second year in electrical engineering and is currently part of the BS/MS program. Though her two weeks in June are packed with exams and papers for the six courses she has been juggling throughout the quarter, Tan anticipates having the most trouble dealing with CAESAR to register for next Fall’s courses.

“I remember how stressful it was during the winter, trying to figure out what the hell the website wanted just so I could do something simple like overloading extra classes,” recalls Tan about her most recent experience with the online course enrollment process.  “A few of my friends who were taking three classes were telling me how much difficulty they had, but all I could think was, ‘You have no idea – I have to deal with CAESAR twice as much!’”

Described by her peers as a hard worker and occasionally an “overachiever,” Tan has declared two majors in engineering and seeks a dual degree through Northwestern’s undergraduate BS/MS program. When asked what she considered to be her biggest challenge in pursuing such goals, Tan replied that maneuvering through the “Student Center” portal and class registration probably demanded the most time and perseverance.

In preparation for the upcoming registration, Tan has begun to compile notes and mnemonic strategies to deal with the CAESAR website, which she considers a higher priority than her two midterms next week.  Tan admits that although she is generally a confident student, she feels very nervous as the time to log in to CAESAR draws near.

From those of us familiar with the website, we all wish Cynthia the best of luck.

EVANSTON—After the release of the Inception last July, the hit film has become America’s most notorious mindfuck. Up until that point, Northwestern’s class-selecting service, CAESAR, held that title. NUIT admitted its defeat after the film hit the box office this summer.

However, NUIT is not to be outdone. According to Todd Robertson, NUIT’s head technician, next year’s edition of CAESAR will not only be equally as confusing as Nolan’s film, but it will also make researching and registering for classes “almost not worth it.”

To do this, NUIT is incorporating some of the most convoluted aspects of Inception with its already user-unfriendly features.

To begin with, NUIT plans to complicate CAESAR by giving the password to the website only to architects and drug dealers. Since drug dealers appreciate anonymity and no architecture major exists on campus, NUIT believes that just logging onto the database will be exceedingly difficult for students.

Furthermore, the process students use to view CTECs will change.

“The process of looking at teachers CTECs’ was already frustrating, because the only way to avoid opening and closing new windows would be to clutter your desktop with a inconveniently large number of windows,” Robertson said. But now, NUIT is taking it a step further. “We had to go deeper,” said Robertson.

“Next year, when a CTEC link is clicked, the screen will not display a new window,” Robertson explained. “Instead, a new window will be opened in the subconscious, and the only way to access it will be to induce a dream state.”

The new feature doesn’t stop there. To open two CTEC links in a single day will require students to open a dream window within a dream window. Opening three or more links will require a student to ask his/her roommate to plant the whole concept of “CTEC” in his/her subconscious. This process has only been accomplished by one person so far—Robertson—and he reports seeing CTEC evaluations in every subsequent dream he’s had.

“Reviewing teachers and courses online will either be impossible for students to accomplish or cause them a serious mental affliction,” Robertson said with a smug grin. “Suddenly trying to figure out whether or not DiCaprio is dreaming isn’t so bad, is it?”

EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).