Posted on 14 October 2013.
EVANSTON — With his first four years in office coming to a close, University President Morton Schapiro publicly announced in a speech on Deering Meadow his bid for reelection to another term as President of Northwestern University.
Most pundits expected Schapiro to turn to reelection, and no other candidate has announced a challenging bid. However, Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be attacks upon my character and my actions over the past four years. There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
President Schapiro’s four years in office have been controversial, and opponents are expected to analyze many of the events that occurred during the Schapiro administration. “Schapiro is certainly going to have to come up with a salient defense for his policies on tuition hikes and drone strikes,” said Political Science professor Andrew Roberts, “but what could really sink him is the tragedies that he allowed to occur during his term, mainly The Keg closing, Chet Haze leaving, and a lack of upward mobility in our US News and World Report rankings.”
While Schapiro currently runs unopposed, Roberts speculated, “I’d expect Pat Fitzgerald to run, even though we didn’t beat Ohio State. As an alumnus with a strong leadership record, he would definitely be a very dangerous opponent to Schapiro, who doesn’t have even a single degree from Northwestern. Well, he has an honorary degree from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary. I don’t know if that counts. And, as with every one of these elections, Stephen Colbert will definitely be a dangerous write-in candidate.”
Posted in Local, No. 118
Posted on 18 April 2010.
EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices.
However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was all-too-swiftly placed along the pedestal of “candidate”. This can also be attributed to the long-standing tradition of keeping the voters as unaware as possible about the actual campaign issues at hand; preferring instead the “tactic” of plastering the candidates names everywhere with the hope that people would make a non-existent connection.
Sadly, most people only saw the light bulb and thought it was a metaphor. In fact, the logo’s message was intended to be much more blunt: he only wanted to increase sales. Perhaps if Alessio cast some light on where he really stood about how many sales he wanted to make, the types of lighting he could have provided, and how his new AllesiBulbs can eliminate the beer-goggle effect, he would have won over the hearts and minds of more students. As it stands, however, when The Flipside tried to question him on the issues, Alessio declined to comment. Upon further irritating him with light bulb puns, this reporter was forcibly launched from the audience. Perhaps Claire can clear up the question about why my current lighting situation also doubles as a “fire hazard”, but at the moment, we are all, as a student body, left in the dark without Alessio’s bright, shining future.
Posted in No. 33, Politics
Posted on 03 April 2009.
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O.
Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his motorcade. He and the First Lady visited a Washington D.C. area GM dealer after returning from the G-20 Summit. “We were looking for something quaint,” says Michelle Obama. “Barack and I were ready to buy one of those new GMC Acadias. He wanted to get one that had a black interior and a white exterior, but I convinced him that black and black was the way to go.”
To the Obama’s dismay, the dealer was unable to locate the exact make and model they requested. “They had such specific requests on such short notice,” claims GM salesman Rick Mahogany. “I just couldn’t get what they were looking for in time. I’m only one man.”
President Obama is allergic to incompetence, so he fired the salesman on the spot, citing an executive order. His recent control over GM helped speed along the process. “I will be appointing a more efficient staff to the local dealership. Only if we work together and end inefficiency can we combat this global crisis.”
Posted in Business, Politics