EVANSTON — After five clueless freshmen and about twenty equally clueless sorority recruits walked into the Public Affairs Residential College (PARC) thinking it was Parkes Hall, the residents of PARC have petitioned ASG to change the name of Parkes Hall. “It was sort of funny the first two times when freshmen entered our dorm looking for their classes in here, but it gets really annoying when strangers roam our dorm looking for classrooms that don’t exist because they don’t comprehend the difference between PARC and Parkes,” commented Joe Granger, a bereaved SESP sophomore.

Some new names that were suggested include Ryan Place, Pancoe Hall, Foster Hall, McCormick Hall, Searle Complex, and Swift Center. Alicia Dougal, one of the student leaders in the petition charge, explained, “We gave it a lot of thought and we finally narrowed down our list to these names because we really wanted to avoid future confusion with other buildings.”

Many students who don’t live in PARC have also supported the petition. “It’s very embarrassing to walk into the wrong building to find a class,” said Kyle Doorman, a freshman who was victimized by the two buildings’ similar names. “I hope by changing the name [of Parke’s Hall], future freshmen will avoid the mistakes I made.”

Meanwhile, Parkes Hall has filed a counter-petition demanding that PARC change its name to CRAP. Claire Garrett, a PARC resident, commented, “Oh well, everyone calls it that anyway.”

EVANSTON — This year marks the 40th anniversary of Norris Student Center at Northwestern University. Though Norris is the undeniable hub for student activity on campus, talk of constructing a younger and more beautiful student center in a more central location has been gaining steam for the past few years.

Even though these rumors reached Norris well before the 40th birthday celebration on January 15, staff members were still able to put on a brave face, saying, “A lot of people might be freaked out about the big 4-0, but we really feel like it’s not even that big a deal. At all. Really.”

When Norris’ spokeswoman Pam Washington was confronted about the possibility of a new student center located farther west, she remained confident that Norris will always be beloved by Northwestern. “Although a sleek, modern, newer building might be more convenient for frat guys and engineers, and probably athletes too, it’s not like the university can just replace us. I mean, what could this new building have that we don’t have? Sure, the exterior might be a little more appealing, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts, right?”

Washington went on to say, “Okay, fine, maybe Norris has been a little out of touch lately, we used to put the ‘Wild’ in ‘Wildcat,’ and now we’re closer to the ‘cat,’ but we can change! Please, give us a chance to prove we’ve still got it.”

After a few minutes of deep breathing and eating a couple pieces of Norris shaped birthday cake, Washington calmed down long enough to make one final comment, “Do you think this new place will have low-cal non-fat fro-yo?”

We engineers never have any need to go to south campus, but in case you accidentally find yourself there, here are some descriptions to help you get a lay of the land and get back north as fast as possible.

Kresge – The Tech of south campus. When south campus people say that they get lost in Tech, pretend they said Kresge and you will understand their pain.

Main Library – An inferior version of Tech Library. From an architectural standpoint, a disaster.

Kellogg – Where to find the people who will finance your next project.

Norris Student Center – Try to make your way to the game room in the basement, but don’t get trapped among the socializing students who will block your path.

CRC – Slivka for communications majors. Complete with the same haughty sense of superiority, except in this case they didn’t earn it.

The Rock – Just like Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, the Rock is a shameless promoter and has even been in some low quality films and plays.

Fran’s Café – Lisa’s for Theater majors.

Sorority Quad – Does not compute…

Hi. It’s me, the girl in your Mechanics of Materials class. We’ve never met. I don’t even know your name. In fact, I’ve never heard anything but conspicuous heavy breathing come out of your mouth. But we need to have a quick chat. I’d really, really appreciate it if you didn’t stare at me in the middle of lecture. I know Bielsen is boring and the PowerPoint slides are not really interesting but, honestly, all the staring is starting to creep me out. We’re at the end of the quarter. Let me have my last week in blissful, inconspicuous peace.

It started innocently enough. A quick glance to check if it was really a member of the female sex and not some unhygienic, ponytailed MechE guy in a sweatshirt. But it’s grown more and more obvious. I’m fairly certain one of you took a whiff of my hair.

The kicker is that you don’t say anything! I’m just a girl. I don’t bite. But the staring without introducing yourself…well, I’m getting really uncomfortable. I know I’m one of two girls in the class but really, we’re not that different than you guys. A little bit cleaner, maybe, but otherwise, not that different.

Dear McCormick,
My food-and-money machines keep trying to talk to me. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Oh My Ford

Hypothesis: In all probability, yo How To Get Back Your Girl u should answer them. There are a few magic words that increase their responsiveness to your commands and may present future benefits. Be sure to add the following to your vocabulary: please, thank you, and I love you. Your food-and-money machines, or parents as most people call them, also like being addressed by their names. For future reference, these are “mom” and “dad.”

Parents appreciate being called. By you. On the phone. Do this at least once a week, and tell them things about yourself. And “things about yourself” does not include anything about alternative energy or the fact that Design for America is mostly led by people from other countries.

Next, know how to calm your parents down. Exercise and alcohol are great methods for this, so be sure to take your parents for a walk or suggest they have a glass of red wine with dinner. This prepares your parents for our final step:

Ask for money and food. That’s what they’re here for, anyway.

Hola McCormick,
Like many of my engineering brethren, my chest is challenged in the area of follicularity. What can I do to become more pronounced in this area?
Sincerely,
Tormented in Tech

Hypothesis: You’re right. Many engineers don’t have chest hair. The most sensible thing to do is to get over it and continue studying thermodynamics, but as you know, that isn’t always possible. Anyway, here are a few tips that should enhance your hairiness:

1. Rub butter over your chest. The enzymes will stimulate your hair follicles.
2. Pray. Most of you are heathen atheists, and God may have smote you with the body of a 10-year-old boy for this transgression.
3. Felt and superglue can create natural-looking faux chest-hair.
4. Take male-enhancement drugs. Most of them don’t do what they’re advertised to do anyway. Perhaps one of the side-effects will solve your problem.

Thanks for writing in!

Dear McCormick,
There’s this cute girl in one of my distro classes. Do you have any dating advice?
Sincerely,
Pining in Public Speaking

Hypothesis: ….
…processing…
….

How To Get Back Your Girl

EVANSTON – Three years ago, Northwestern fraternity Epsilon Delta Upsilon was put on probation for what the University described as “academic harassment”. Apparently, the warning wasn’t enough, as the fraternity has been disbanded for unspecified transgressions as of earlier this afternoon. This marks the third time in ten years that a fraternity has been kicked off campus for incidences of hazing. Although hazing rituals are all but a universally accepted truth in fraternity life, faculty and students alike are shocked at the extent to which EDU has violated all boundaries of unforgivable behavior.

No specific details have come to the public eye, but the University issued a statement in a press release this afternoon. “Too many students have been coerced into situations that they would under no other circumstance be willing to endure,” Dean of Students Burgwell Howard declared. “That a Northwestern student would want to impose such disgraces upon another Northwestern student is astounding, and certainly grounds for suspension of charter.”

A former pledge, who preferred to go unnamed for fear of retaliation, provided a picture of the terrifying abuses. “I’d be talking with a friend,” said the pledge, “and a brother of the frat would walk up to me and be like, ‘Do your homework, all of it, right now, or you’re a pussy!’ What was I supposed to do, say no?”

An older member of the fraternity corroborated the prevalence of this behavior, saying, “They’ve been making kids go to class against their will for years. It’s something that everyone expects when they get to college, but the reality can be hard for some freshman to take. I guess they trained us to accept the mentality that sometimes you have to do things that you hate doing to get to the things you like.”

Said a non-Greek student, “This is exactly why I was turned off by the whole Greek scene. Anyone who would force me to uphold my responsibilities, be accountable for my actions, make the most of the incredible opportunity of having Northwestern-quality professors at my disposal, and grow to become a better person is no friend of mine.”

The hazing was discovered last Thursday when an anonymous tip brought police to an introductory economics class in which an astounding 1/3 of students had actually attended. Officer Kiljoy commented on the brazen exploitation of pledges, saying; “I could see through the door of the classroom that something was off. There were at least 30, maybe 40 students in the 350-person class. They were keeping up normal appearances, fiddling on their smartphones and ignoring the teacher, but still, 40 kids? Ridiculous.”

Inquiries are currently being made to determine whether other fraternities have also contributed to falsely inflating the rate of attendance.

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com