EVANSTON — Over the course of the last several years, the slow but steady decrease of Internet pornography downloaded at Northwestern has mystified many on campus. Defying conventional wisdom, the annual influx of young pubescent freshman has not maintained a consistent level of activity, as NUIT statistics have shown that lewd site visits are below their levels of the same time last year. A new study may have pinpointed the reason: campus Wi-Fi.
In a research survey conducted by psychology major James Chanis, randomly selected students were asked why they didn’t look at porn online that day. In all, 469 students took the time to give a semi-coherent response to the question. After analyzing the data, Chanis was shocked to find the most common response being “the lack of consistent Wi-Fi” (31%), outpacing even the expected “I don’t have the time” response (24%) and the “I’m not a motherf—–g pervert!” retort (22%). 13% chose other reasons, while 10% felt the question didn’t apply to them.
“If anything, these results demand the need for a more reliable internet connection from NUIT,” Chanis said. “Imagine trying to jerk off for an hour and just before it’s over the Internet cuts off. What are you supposed to do? Go out with an unsatisfactory bang or just let the erection die quietly? No wonder students don’t bother anymore. No one would ever want to go through that ordeal, and I hope NUIT realizes this.”
NUIT released the following statement: “NUIT remains committed to preserving the First Amendment right to freedom of expression. As such it shall take all reasonable measures to ensure this provision is extended [several inches] to all Northwestern students and faculty.”
However, local NUIT slacker Adam Brunson later confided, “Honestly, they weren’t even thinking about that when they installed a Wi-Fi system that deteriorates in speed each year. It was meant to be a cost-cutting measure so that they could buy a stress reliever for the team.”
Elaborating on the absurd cost of this “stress reliever,” Brunson explained it was “a year’s supply of strippers.” He added, “It’s fucking awesome.”