EVANSTON—SEED, or Students for Ecological and Environmental Development, ended the problem of global warming Sunday, Oct. 10, by hanging up the laundry outside Norris University Center.

“This was a very unexpected result!” exclaimed SEED member Ann Temnoriv. “I think it had something to do with the fact that the clothes were hung up in the shape of a giant 350.”

Dropping temperatures across the northern United States and Canada confirmed SEED’s suspicion. In the last week alone, many Northwestern students began breaking out fall jackets, clear evidence that the climate crisis has ended.

However, Northwestern professor Angie Mithons, disagreed. “Clothes shaped like things do not save the environment.” She explained that water is a weak greenhouse gas; so, while air-drying clothes certainly puts less carbon in the atmosphere than using a clothes dryer, the activity could not possibly bring carbon levels in the atmosphere down to 350 parts per million (ppm), the level generally accepted by scientists as a sustainable amount.

Mithons had another theory about why global warming appears to have ended. “SEED’s event worked exactly as planned. It spread awareness about global warming, causing the nation as a whole to change its energy consumption habits.”

However, Mithons was not able to explain such a rapid reduction of carbon levels from the previous 390ppm to the new estimate of 350ppm. “Perhaps it was a higher power, either supernatural or extraterrestrial.”

FORT KENT, ME—In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.”

This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made it past the treacherous pass, a fault blamed largely on their genetically predisposed inability to make it 2 yards without free medication. Since Canadians were invented in 1972, American scientists have been hard at work on methods to both keep out and at the same time steal from the people of “Americas Hat.”

Policy makers on both sides of the gap have sought to come up with explanations for this recent surge, but so far the motives remain unclear. One possible example might be national outrage at the Canadian showing in the curling event at the recent Winter Games.

A loss of such magnitude may very well provoke the Canadian supporters to jump ship onto the country with the winning sweepers. Said sub sweeper Gordon Lepepin of the showing: “We let our country down a bit, eh. I’m sure both of the viewers back home will be at least a little disappointed”. The government has tried to gauge the effects of the loss on these viewers. This may prove a little difficult; however, seeing as 50% of that number has since crossed the border and is therefore out of Canadian legal jurisdiction.  

This development is frightening, and it may even prompt the president to appoint another guard to the entirety of America’s northern border. Such an addition would bring number up to an unprecedented one and a half, cutting the workload of that cripple with a gun in Maine in half.