EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car.

“Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization.

While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.
“We want to show the public that we acknowledge what happened and that we’re taking steps towards a solution. The last thing we want is for someone to mistake us for a company that can actually offer safe travel,” Grossman said later in the conference.

SafeRide will be moving forward with a series of publicity efforts emphasizing its new, yet-to-be decided name and slogan, “We’ll get you there intact…probably.” The campaign includes posters depicting a man sheepishly shrugging his shoulders with a smile, commercials showing scenes of unfocused drivers and passengers laughing, and “viral-type” advertising like large, distracting road paintings.

Included in this effort is a contest to rename the organization, where the public can help SafeRide choose between three new names for SafeRide cars: AdrenalinePumper, DeathTaunter, and WhoNeedsSeatbeltsMobile. The names are currently being tested in focus groups.

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties.

Jack Smannikan, a sophomore in the School of Communication, decided to blow off some steam with a smoke after a tough week. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Saturday was the last day to return his textbooks to Norris; he figured he wouldn’t need them for the quarter. “I put down the blunt, picked up all my books, and then did that cool slide-down-the-stair-railing thing like they do in all those high school TV shows,” Jack told us from his hospital bed. “I was still a little out of it, so I crossed Sheridan without looking both ways like my mommy told me… and that’s all I remember.”

Jack was then hit by a car and suffered a broken leg. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Thirteen other Northwestern students who had been waiting to cross unwisely decided to follow Smannikan and were subsequently also hit by oncoming traffic. “Ever since I have been here, I have always waited at the side of the road until somebody crosses in front of me,” said Weinberg junior Emily Ju. “After the first person goes, everyone else who is waiting crosses with them. Why should I have to look to see if cars are coming? There were never any problems until yesterday”.

The administration is now contemplating installing a voiceover to alert students when it is okay to walk in addition to the already in place electronic sign. Alternatively, ASG has suggested the construction of a walking bridge over Sheridan Road using extra funding from the 40% profit margin attained by Norris textbook sales. Hopefully, one of the proposed measures will be taken soon, allowing NU students to cross Sheridan Road safely.