EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag.

Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No substantial evidence has been found, but at least three witnesses confirm that Fox rolled her eyes in response to an overheard statement made by Sarah to a group of Lacrosse players.

“Guys! I would just DIE without my cell phone,” Sarah exclaimed after school last Thursday. The statement turned out to be horrifically prescient.

After a thorough investigation, Murphy’s phone was discovered plugged into its charger on her dresser. Detectives have concluded Fox must have climbed the tree house in the backyard, opened Murphy’s bedroom window from the roof, deactivated the ADT home alarm system and plugged the phone back in, completely undetected by Sarah’s family or her puppy, Tinker.

In related news, Fox was found dead this morning in front of a secondhand store she frequently described as “so obscure you’ve probably never heard of it”. Doctors have concluded Fox must have collapsed after she discovered that her Lomography camera was not in her Urban Outfitters mini backpack.

EVANSTON—A new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular.

“Think about it,” said Nick Kite, “When you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.”

“And don’t get me started about how many Facebook friends I have” added Kite.

When meeting somebody for the first time, the male who glances at his cell phone more often takes on the dominant role in the relationship. Researchers note that these males usually just check the time, although they often pretend there is something ‘Stephen Demos making a field goal’ important going on.

Girls, on the other hand, use their cellular phones to be passive aggressive, equating popularity to a 3-G network. These females emphasize the fact that they have a call to anyone who will listen,  often talking to their parents the same way they would talk to a friend to play up their immense popularity.

Cool girls also call people and immediately hang up so they will get called back and “have to take this important call.”

“U no,” says Grace Aoba as she glances at her phone, “IKMCISAATSPKTITCIA, IHMOPTTT (I keep my cell in sight at all times so people know that if this convo isn’t awesome, I have many other people to talk to.)

“I am popular!” concluded Aoba.