In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”

According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot down the sleigh.

Speaking in a press conference for the first time since the incident, Santa stated, “I am not sure who made the final decision to shoot me down, but I have had a standing appointment on Christmas Eve for the past two thousand years. I don’t care that they’re Jewish, you can be sure that somebody is going to end up on my permanent naughty list.”

After the incident, Santa was allowed to continue the night’s operations using a plane on loan from the Air Force; however, due to the time lost in the incident, Santa was forced to accelerate his schedule and made the decision to skip Iraq, saying “they probably won’t even notice.” Spokesmen from the North Pole say it will be some time until the repairs will be completed on Santa’s sleigh, but assured Flipside reporters that the work will be completed in time for next Christmas.

“While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the near future,” said the police officer on the scene, Roland Graham. “Poor bastard.”

Evidence from the scene seems to indicate foul play. Aside from various baseball bats and crowbars, there was a boom box discovered at the scene, playing only “Die muthafucka die” on a loop.

Further research into the background of the victim has produced his hometown of Seattle, Washington. Residents from his neighborhood remember him as a tiny and extremely helpful.

“Whenever I would sit on my porch to write my Christmas card or send a note to my cousin, he would always walk by and ask, ‘It looks like you’re writing a letter. Want some help?’” said former Seattle resident Josie Summerstein. “He was so cute. I mean, he never really gave me any good advice, and in retrospect he pretty much screwed everything up all the time, but I appreciated the effort, you know?”

Memorial services will be held at Watson & Jackson Waste and Recycling Services, 2015 Washington Boulevard, from 5 to 9 PM.