Posted on 22 April 2013.
ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time.
According to verified sources speaking to the BBC, AP, The New York Times, and The Washington Post, the burden of the assault will fall mainly on junior reporter Nathaniel Miller, who (following a carefully-scripted procedure), will pick the target, carry out the attack, hide for a day, and finally be shot while resisting arrest. Miller’s superiors have commanded the 27-year-old reporter not to deviate from the timeline in any fashion, God forbid they announce that he’s been arrested while he’s still on the “frantic getaway attempt” phase of the plan. Again.
Concurrently, veteran reporter Anderson Cooper, considered by many to be the only person left at CNN with a single ounce of fucking integrity, will be strategically featured as the only person on screen for the whole period, delivering rote updates while wondering if Reuters is hiring.
UPDATE – 11:34 AM: This just in, CNN is finally reporting on claims that CNN is formulating a terrorist attack. Producers for Wolf Blitzer’s “Situation Room” have tweeted a photo of network founder Ted Turner instead of the bomber.
UPDATE – 12:52 PM: Eyewitness reports of an isolated explosion along a rural highway have been verified. The New York Times is first on the scene.
Posted in Nation, No. 108
Posted on 03 October 2012.
Posted in Headline, No. 88
Posted on 23 November 2011.
EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”
Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.
The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”
Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”
In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.
Posted in Local, No. 69, Sports