By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago

First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career.

I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re not supposed to let me get away with it! We’ve been doing the same dance since my daddy helped the mafia elect JFK, so why you gotta go and fuck with it now?

I skim enough from the coffers to run a third-world country; you find out and get all indignant that it’s somehow happening again; I spend a couple months in a minimum-security resort-prison; you watch a shitty Lifetime Original Movie about the ordeal, and I get to sail off into the sunset on my 50-foot yacht!

I mean, how could you not get me back in ’04?!? Blagojevich and I made Tammany Hall look like the fuckin’ Vatican! And the whole time; unencrypted emails, phone records, hotel receipts, the whole fucking nine yards! I put my own head on a silver platter for you dipshits, and if even a single one of you had bothered calling the Tribune, you could’ve won a Pulitzer, and I could have finally gotten a break from this goddawful job.

Rahm, if you’re reading this, know that you have my full blessing. May your scandals be discreet and non-treasonous. I’ll see you at the indictment, good buddy. But try not to take too long; I promised my son he’d get to be mayor too.

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.