Posted on 13 October 2013.
EVANSTON — When asked by his fellow freshmen if his parents were coming on Family Weekend, Chicago-area student Brandon Layne said he was “totally ok” that they weren’t showing up. “I mean, I live in the city so they can just visit anytime they’re free,” Layne said as his friends already switched subjects to the Homecoming game.
Layne cited the fact that they never came to any of his little league games or his piano recitals either as reasons why he is “totally chill with them skipping out on Family Weekend.”
“I mean it would be nice if they answered my calls once in a while, but they have better things to do with their time, I guess,” Layne said before bursting into tears.
As of press time, Layne had not stopped crying. His parents could not be reached for comment as they were visiting their daughter, Rebecca, at DePaul.
Posted in Local, No. 118
Posted on 30 January 2012.
MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort.
The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.
According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.
Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”
“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”
Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.
Posted in Articles, No. 73, Politics